an existential keekah

In response to a comment in my last post, I didn’t mean to malign my former friend in anyway, shape or form. My honor comment was not an attack on her character or choices. I wasn’t questioning her honor because that implies I have the right to pass judgement on her. Something I think we as a society do way too carelessly. My comment was directed specifically on the action of not forgiving someone for an act or action based on this archiac and damaging belief that the offender doesn’t deserve forgiveness.

Forgiveness benefits the giver and the receiver if handled correctly. To refuse to forgive someone for any reason damages more than just the person who caused the offense. Refusing to forgive creates anger and bitterness in a person that carries over into all aspects of that person’s life. They may use it as an excuse or reason to not trust anyone every again, which is soul destroying. Soul destroying to the person refusing to forgive.

Perhaps some would argue that this is the result of the person being betrayed and the person who betrayed them is at fault or responsible. But that is simply not true. The only one responsible for a person’s emotions is the persons themselves. They can choose to hold on to the anger and hurt and feel justified in being bitter about the betrayal. Or they can deal with their emotions head on and find someway to forgive and move on. I’m not suggesting they have to move on with the person who betrayed them. But holding onto anger, hurt and bitterness over a sense of pride hurts the person doing the holding on the most.  The definition of honor is high respect or personal integrity. And I don’t see a lot of honor in holding onto past anger, hurt and bitterness and a refusal to find forgiveness in your heart. In that act, all I find is an unwillingness to confront personal demons and an unwillingness to learn and grow from life’s examples.

Even more, forgiveness is a spiritual process that allows a person to let go of resentment, indignation or anger against another for an offense or mistake. It is a gift that gives the most benefit to the person giving it. It is something a person does for themselves. It isn’t complicated or even difficult. It is a simple, soulful act that imagines a better future and the possibility that the hurt and pain caused by the betrayal will not be the final word on the matter. It builds confidence that a person can survive the pain and come out a better person.

Finally forgiveness acknowledges the humanity each of us has. It acknowledges the fact we all make mistakes, we all fall down sometimes and it isn’t the end of the world. It offers hope they we all can learn from the mistakes made and grow from it.  Forgiveness is not about condoning bad behavior or even about admitting right from wrong. It’s about letting go of bad feelings and the power we give those bad feelings over our soul. It’s about putting the past exactly where it belongs – in the past. Forgiveness, to me, is a matter of personal integrity.

I realize people can question my own personal integrity given the fact I chose to sleep with my best friend’s husband almost 10 years ago. One might ask, where the heck was your personal integrity then? And it’s a valid question. My personal integrity was severely lacking that night. I betrayed myself as much as my friend that night.

But two wrongs do not make a right.

I realize forgiveness is also not about remaining friends necessarily. I admit I don’t have the right to ask for either  forgiveness or remaining friends. But that doesn’t stop my heart for wanting both.