Posted by mmkeekah on July 9th, 2007
I am a pedantic to the very core. As a true pedantic, most of my research is spent on topics I am enamored with… such as polyamory.
I spend a great deal of my Internet time researching poly. I read articles written on poly, articles written by polys, and visit blogs written by folks practicing poly. I’ve also dabbled personally in a polyamorous triad that, until recently, was center stage in my life.
While I am certainly not an expert, there are certain things I’ve picked up along the way that I find myself wanting to write out… so, as usual, I share it with all of you:
- When it comes to feelings, no one is wrong. But it is important to understand that, just because you have a right to your feelings, it doesn’t mean your feelings are right.
- What matters the most when sharing feelings is the how’s and the why’s - the communication of feelings and the response to those feelings from all parties is crucial. If you come from a defensive place, you will get a defensive response.
- It is important to look into your feelings and their root cause. Real communication starts with personal introspection.
- You have to be honest, completely, even if you think it could hurt someone you love. Lying because you think it’s better for someone else is still lying.
- You must be willing to communicate… not only talk, but also listen in turn. Sometimes we confuse our perceptions with reality. True communication requires you come from a mutual, neutral, and unbiased ground.
- General goodwill and a generous nature is key. These two abilities will assist you in being diplomatic… and loving.
- Achieving healthy self esteem is also key to a successful relationship. You have to love yourself and… sometimes that takes work. We live in a world that can break us if we forget how truly special we are as individuals. Getting lost in a relationship is not the answer.
What I find most interesting about my list is that it doesn’t have to pertain solely to polyamorous relationships. One of my favorite quotes is from a practicing polyamorist and advice columnist, Mistress Matisse . In her column, she writes, “There is a key trait in people who do polyamory well, and it’s this: They are good at regulating their strong emotions.”
I believe this trait can actually assist us all… monogamous and polyamorous alike. Relating to others, loving others, being involved and aware of others requires work. We could all take a page from the poly book on successful relating.