An Existential Keekah

I am a pedantic to the very core. As a true pedantic, most of my research is spent on topics I am enamored with… such as polyamory.

I spend a great deal of my Internet time researching poly. I read articles written on poly, articles written by polys, and visit blogs written by folks practicing poly. I’ve also dabbled personally in a polyamorous triad that, until recently, was center stage in my life.

While I am certainly not an expert, there are certain things I’ve picked up along the way that I find myself wanting to write out… so, as usual, I share it with all of you:

1. When it comes to feelings, no one is wrong. But it is important to understand that, just because you have a right to your feelings, it doesn’t mean your feelings are right.
2. What matters the most when sharing feelings is the how’s and the why’s - the communication of feelings and the response to those feelings from all parties is crucial. If you come from a defensive place, you will get a defensive response.
3. It is important to look into your feelings and their root cause. Real communication starts with personal introspection.
4. You have to be honest, completely, even if you think it could hurt someone you love. Lying because you think it’s better for someone else is still lying.
5. You must be willing to communicate… not only talk, but also listen in turn. Sometimes we confuse our perceptions with reality. True communication requires you come from a mutual, neutral, and unbiased ground.
6. General goodwill and a generous nature is key. These two abilities will assist you in being diplomatic… and loving.
7. Achieving healthy self esteem is also key to a successful relationship. You have to love yourself and… sometimes that takes work. We live in a world that can break us if we forget how truly special we are as individuals. Getting lost in a relationship is not the answer.

What I find most interesting about my list is that it doesn’t have to pertain solely to polyamorous relationships.  One of my favorite quotes is from a practicing polyamorist and advice columnist, Mistress Matisse . In her column, she writes, “There is a key trait in people who do polyamory well, and it’s this: They are good at regulating their strong emotions.”

I believe this trait can actually assist us all… monogamous and polyamorous alike. Relating to others, loving others, being involved and aware of others requires work. We could all take a page from the poly book on successful relating.

Thirteen Things about Mon-Mon’s Trip to Saint Louis   1. Got up at 5am on a Saturday. 2. The flight to St Louis was fraught with tension; first we had a near-miss collision with another aircraft and then our landing gear wouldn’t work - all when attempting to land. The fire trucks and ambulance were waiting… just in case. 3. I bought a new set of earrings in the Saint Louis airport… cute, dangly silver hearts. 4. I drove two hours in van to Lebanon, MO to visit Jeff’s family. 5. I saw Jeff’s home that he built with his dad and the little school house where he attended grade school. 6. I ate breakfast at a Lebanon truck stop. 7. I then bought a latte at the very first Starbuck’s in Lebanon. 8. I drove two hours back to St. Louis. 9. I had pizza at Blackthorn pub with Bud, Jen, Denise, and Jeff… yum! 10. I stayed up until 4am… and got up at 730am on Monday. 11. I went to Six Flags Saint Louis and rode Batman, Mr. Freeze, The Boss…. all kinds of rides! Woot! 12. I ate at my favorite Vietnamese restaurant in St. Louis. 13. I drove home to Denver in 13 hours in a van loaded with Jeff, me, two birds and their cages and all their stuff!

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We are all back at home safely from our trip to Saint Louis to pick up the birdies. Gilligan and Nikki, both

, are safely ensconced in their cages in their new room. I picked up the kitties from their vacation home, and they were full of stories to share with us in the meowy voices. Moxi and Digi sit contentedly at the window and and on the floor, thankful to be home.

It was a great trip but it’s always wonderful to come home. Isn’t it?

Actual conversation driving in Missouri:

Me: Look!

Him: What?

Me: All those cows are laying down.

Him: Well yeah, they are on a cow break.

Me: (pause) A cow break? How does that work?

Him: Well, there is a lead cow, and when she decides it’s time for a break, she lies down. Then the rest of the cows follow her lead.

Me: (skeptically) What? No way.

Short pause.

Me: How does the lead cow know when to take a break?

Him: The farmer sets the schedule.

Another short pause.

Me: Really? A cow break?

Him: No, I was kidding.

Actual conversation at 6am headed towards the airport after less than five hours of sleep and a short period of intense hyperactivity:

Him:   I hope I settle down soon.

Me: (tired, inaudible acknowledgment)

Him:  It’s exhausting being me.

I realize I haven’t posted all month. A lot

happened to me in the last few weeks, and I’ve been dealing with a flood of emotions and I haven’t been able to write.  It is a new feeling because usually I cannot shut up about my feelings.

If I’m honest, the change started in mid-April.  It came during a difficult time, when I was dealing with issues that arose in my relationship. For the first time in a long time,  I realized I had no control over those issues.  And I was okay with that - instead I focused inward at myself and what I could control - my feelings and my life.

I struggled internally with what I needed to do to right myself since I couldn’t right the relationship.  And I spent several intense weeks focusing on what I needed to do, what I could find the strength to do in order to be comfortable living with myself.

During these intense weeks, my relationship kind of balanced itself - in so far as we - as a thruple - continued to function together and deal with the emotions that came from the issues that popped up mid-April.  At one point, I remember bringing the two struggles together - my internal struggle with what I needed to do and the struggle my thruple was working through.   And I thought, we are going to be okay.

Also during this time, I started a new relationship with my oldest brother.  It is in its infancy and its very fragile.  I don’t even know what I’m doing in this relationship; it’s scary and exciting.  This man  has not been a part of my life for 17 years.  I do not know him, and neither does he know me.  I’m not sure I can trust him and a big part of me is scared too.  And yet, he calls me and we talk and laugh and I even sometimes miss him when he doesn’t call.  He is reaching out to me, and I want to reach back and at the same time I want to run.  No one can tell me how to handle this or what to do - not even me.

Then the last weekend in May came and with it more turmoil in my relationship.  I came to the decision alone that it wasn’t healthy to stay in this relationship with so much hurt and pain.  So my girlfriend and I broke up.  I am sad and sorry it is over.  I struggle with what more I could have done, what more I could have said, how I could have been a better lover, friend, companion.  And I miss her terribly.

So here is where I’m at - still me, still loving, if a little more sad. I do not know where my journey will continue to take me.  I am not sad that I tried my thruple.  I still love both my ex and my boyfriend.  I am trying to pick up the pieces my life is right now.  And I’m still hopeful. 

Actual conversation while watching someone bid on a trip to Austrailia on The Price Is Right:

Her:  I want to travel to Austraila.

Me:   Oh really?

Her:  Yeah but I want to stay in the city… not the parts where there are bugs and dingos…

“There is about three years of of my life I do not remember,” my ailing brother said at one point during our vist, “I did bad things and for bad reasons. But I do remember the promise we made to each other.”

I looked at him blankly, not understanding.

“The day of the accident. I remember that we said it was just us.”

My heart clenched, emotion spilling over, and I’m sure it showed on my face. Oh yes. That promise. “It’s just you and me now,” he’d said to me almost 21 years ago.

I don’t know that I viewed it as a promise at the time, given the fact that I was 13 and our parents were dead. I’d never held a job or had to run a household. I’d never had to worry about a roof over my head, or getting food on the table, or making sure there was toilet paper in the bathroom. My mom used to clean my room for goodness sake. Promise?

But maybe it was just that - a promise to each other. A trust in each other placed under horrible circumstances. I believe I stood by that promise.

Even when he would disappear for days on end. Even when there was no food in the pantry. Even when I went to school with torn and worn clothing and was mocked and teased.

I stood by that promise as he declined into drug addiction. Even when he would sit at our mother’s kitchen table getting high for days on end, rambling about a fantasy future filled with ill-gotten money. Even when the sheriff came to move us out of one place or the next, because he’d used our

money to buy more drugs.

I ran away once, but the shelter I ran to called my brother. And when he came to pick me up, I stood by him even as he threatened to have me committed to an institution as a troubled teenager. Even when he called me a pitiful orphan and threatened to take me to an orphanage.

Even after I moved out of his house at the age of 14, I still stood by him and never once turned him in for any of the stuff I’d witnessed. When I got a job, he’d call me for money, claiming he was waiting for another check. And I stood by him, at 16, and I gave him money out of my miserly earnings. And he took it - a 27 year old, capable man.

I held unknowingly to that unspoken promise until I was 18. Because he was my brother and my guardian. Because, when I was 13 and he was 24, he said to me it was just us now.

I wonder, can he say he did the same?