I realize I haven’t posted all month. A lot has happened to me in the last few weeks, and I’ve been dealing with a flood of emotions and I haven’t been able to write. It is a new feeling because usually I cannot shut up about my feelings.
If I’m honest, the change started in mid-April. It came during a difficult time, when I was dealing with issues that arose in my relationship. For the first time in a long time, I realized I had no control over those issues. And I was okay with that – instead I focused inward at myself and what I could control – my feelings and my life.
I struggled internally with what I needed to do to right myself since I couldn’t right the relationship. And I spent several intense weeks focusing on what I needed to do, what I could find the strength to do in order to be comfortable living with myself.
During these intense weeks, my relationship kind of balanced itself – in so far as we – as a thruple – continued to function together and deal with the emotions that came from the issues that popped up mid-April. At one point, I remember bringing the two struggles together – my internal struggle with what I needed to do and the struggle my thruple was working through. And I thought, we are going to be okay.
Also during this time, I started a new relationship with my oldest brother. It is in its infancy and its very fragile. I don’t even know what I’m doing in this relationship; it’s scary and exciting. This man has not been a part of my life for 17 years. I do not know him, and neither does he know me. I’m not sure I can trust him and a big part of me is scared too. And yet, he calls me and we talk and laugh and I even sometimes miss him when he doesn’t call. He is reaching out to me, and I want to reach back and at the same time I want to run. No one can tell me how to handle this or what to do – not even me.
Then the last weekend in May came and with it more turmoil in my relationship. I came to the decision alone that it wasn’t healthy to stay in this relationship with so much hurt and pain. So my girlfriend and I broke up. I am sad and sorry it is over. I struggle with what more I could have done, what more I could have said, how I could have been a better lover, friend, companion. And I miss her terribly.
So here is where I’m at – still me, still loving, if a little more sad. I do not know where my journey will continue to take me. I am not sad that I tried my thruple. I still love both my ex and my boyfriend. I am trying to pick up the pieces my life is right now. And I’m still hopeful.
Posted by mmkeekah 
