Going Through the (E)Motions

December 16, 2009

Back in September, an impromptu happy hour with new friends introduced a new person into both J’s and my life.  J and C ended up hooking up that night (yes, while I got the chance to hook up with a hot couple who were also recently acquired friends).  Several nights later, I joined J and C for a fun night of threesome play, even though C is really only into guys when it comes to sex.  It didn’t really take away from the fun that night, especially since I went in knowing the score.

I’ve never really talked about compersion here on this blog. Maybe I mentioned in passing that compersion is the term coined to explain that feeling of happiness one person gets when they see their lover, be it husband/wife or girlfriend/boyfriend, with another person sexually and/or romantically.  I say and/or romantically because polyamorists adopted the term compersion to try and get the world to understand you can have multiple relationships successfully and share in your lovers’ emotional and sexual satsifaction with another person without being involved necessarily.  Maybe I talked about it in that vague, unattached way without giving you any real life examples.

Mainly because when I experience compersion in my relationships, it’s generally mixed in with a great big dose of fear that sometimes looks a little like jealousy and, more often than not, envy.   I get the wonderful gift of feeling joy at watching J enjoy multiple relationships while at the same time worrying over every little detail like only another Virgo mind can really appreciate.  I can honestly say that, with the exception of our first experience with K, every relationship since has brought the same warring feelings into my life, heart and mind.

It wasn’t anything these ladies did so much as what their entrance to my life could mean.  I was worried about what might be -  because with K , I did no such thing.  With K, I threw caution to the wind and took a chance that my heart meant as much to her as hers and J’s meant to mine.  I thought our years of friendship, the time her and I had taken to know each other and care about one another, would be my safety net.  I also put a lot of stock into J’s other poly experiences and his talk of being able to love more than one person at a time without it causing damage to our relationship.  I took a lot at face value in that first poly relationship.

It’s not that I blame K (okay maybe I blame her) or that I blame J even… truth be told, we all were to blame.  Me for my blind faith, K in her lack of faith inability to share, and J for his unwillingness to accept that K was not who he thought she was, who she claimed to be.  It was all part of why we weren’t able to stay together as a triad.  It also plays a part in why it is almost impossible for me to experience just compersion in any current or future poly relationships I might become a part of later in life.  I can’t say it will always be this way; it’s just the way it is now.

So, while I was happy for J that he had a new friend with benefits, maybe potential love interest – I was all kinds of crazy scared of what that change meant for me.  J and I are funny that way…  one of the things J tells everyone about is his inherent selfishness.  And it’s true.  J wants what he wants and damned anyone who gets in his way.  Even me, at times.  But this is what gets  me… when people look at our relationship and hear that or experience it, they think of me as the martyr, the poor suffering girlfriend who lets her man get away with it.  But the truth is – I’m just as selfish as J.  I think that’s why we work so well.  He’s fighting for what he wants, I’m fighting for what I want but in between all that is this amazing love that refuses to let us break up without reaching a compromise between what he wants and what I want.

So it’s been several months since C entered our lives.  We had some really interesting times between J and me as we tried to navigate this new relationship.  J and C have settled into a really nice friendship and casual sexual relationship (that sometimes I get to enjoy as well).  C has learned a bunch of new terminology from this newly tried open relationship style that so far only encompasses one couple (that would be J and me, in case you weren’t following).  Of which, her favorite term would be compersion.  She’s even explained it to her ex-boyfriend and several other close friends.

When C learned about my initial worries regarding her, she was a little devastated and I think hurt.  I’d promised her total honesty when it came to whether or not she was “stepping on my toes.”  What she didn’t understand is that I didn’t consider my worries something she needed to do anything about… no, it was all on me.  It was my stuff to own.  I think I’ve worked on it quite well and C and I are fast friends.

It probably won’t be the last time I find myself working through the compersion/jealousy feelings.  I’m glad it worked out well this time.  I found myself a great friend… and sometimes bed partner, so to speak.

3 Comments | All About Me, boyfriend, friends, polyamory, relationships, sex, share, Truths | Permalink
Posted by mmkeekah

Desperately Seeking Forgiveness

September 26, 2009

Someone very close to me did a bad thing a long time ago.  She cheated on her husband with my ex-husband… and the results produced a child.  She came clean to her husband, they worked through it, she had the child and her husband raised the child as his own.

I found out about it last year for the first time.

It’s funny – because you know, I slept with my best friend’s husband when they were still married and kept it secret for five years – before telling her and eventually losing the dearest friend I ever had in my life.  So I had a unique perspective on the whole situation when I found about this friend and her indiscretion.  Plus, it helps that I’m not with my ex AND I don’t like him all that much.  His actions didn’t surprise me.

If I’m honest, my friend’s actions didn’t surprise me either.  Not because she is anything like my ex-husband – not at all.  I know she didn’t deliberately do this act out of malice, out of spite or anything like that at all.  She is a good person – warm-hearted, loving, a great mother and a good friend.

How can I say that when I now know what she did to her husband, and I guess in some way, to me?  Because I can see that she didn’t do this to me.  This wasn’t about me.  This wasn’t even about her husband.  This was about my friend and her circumstances at the time.  Sometimes people make bad decisions and end up living with the results for the rest of their lives.

I guess I can’t be mad at my friend because I am her in some ways.  I guess I can’t be mad at my friend because I know the pain and guilt she is living with every day.  I guess I can’t be mad at my friend because she did this to herself.

I know that now – from personal experience.

I found out last year but she and I just talked about it last night, at her insistence.  I was quite content to live with the knowledge, be her friend and let it go.  But she wanted to talk about it – no – she needed to talk about it.  She had to let me know she didn’t do it on purpose, didn’t do it to hurt me or even her husband (now an ex-husband, by the way).

I understand.

Sometimes you just need to talk it all out – to admit what you did to someone besides yourself.  I didn’t offer her forgiveness because there was nothing to forgive from my perspective.  But maybe she can finally forgive herself.  It might make it easier to live with.  If she figures out how to do that, I hope she shares her secret.

3 Comments | All About Me, friends, relationships, sex, Truths | Tagged: , , | Permalink
Posted by mmkeekah

Thursday Thirteen, #54

August 6, 2009

thirteen things

mon-mon

just doesn’t get

1. Why people who are turning right onto a multi-lane street must wait until there are no cars traveling in any lane in their direction before turning – even if they have a green arrow – and then they turn into the incorrect lane.

2. Why Niki the bird is so angry at me all the time.

3. Why people smoke… blech.

4. Mean people.

5. Why the more I exercise, the more I want to eat food that isn’t healthy for me.

6. Why women are so slow when the use public restrooms.

7. Why some people refuse to go the speed limit.

8. Anything in the kitchen (according to J)

9. Why my college believes giving an impossible amount of homework makes the class harder thus making the class worthy of a higher level designation.

10. Why inanimate objects are hell bent on pissing me off.

11. Why – no matter how much I run on a regular basis – it is still the hardest thing I do all day.

12. Why J doesn’t understand that birds are loud by their very nature.

13.Why I can never start the lawn mower on the first try.
the Thursday Thirteen code here!

The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others’ comments. It’s easy, and fun! Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!

2 Comments | All About Me, Thursday 13, Truths | Permalink
Posted by mmkeekah

Fight the Good Fight

July 28, 2009

In my last blog about polyamory, I spoke about how I was going to spend less time worrying if I was poly, worrying if my relationship fit the definition of poly and spend more time living and enjoying my life – which I am doing. But I still believe in the concept of polyamory. I spend a considerable amount of my online time supporting the online polyamorous community. I attend the polyamory functions that occur here in Denver, and I also still actively speak about poly to anyone who will listen really.

I also started spending more time in the swinging community – not as you would think (wink). But actually attending local meet and greets to get to know the people in “the lifestyle” as they like to call it. There are quite a few swinging groups in Colorado and most are active with parties at local clubs, bars, hotels and even at people’s homes. In particular, there is a local group where the women in “the lifestyle” get together monthly for a wine party – and their men attend a local men’s “support group” at the same time. The central theme to these parties isn’t to have sex, it’s to meet like minded folk who view sexuality and relationships differently than mainstream society.

What strikes me about these two groups is not just the similarity in their views on sex and relationship and how different it is from the “straight world,” but also how much they truly do not support each other in the alternative lifestyles they’ve chosen to live. When I’m in my polyamorists world, I spend a lot of time listening to the ways how poly is NOT like swinging. Some polyamorists will go, it seems to me, to any extent to proclaim how poly isn’t like swinging. They will even go so far as to talk about how many ways polyamory is so much better than swinging.

Then, I spend some time in the swinging world and listen to the other side disclaim polyamorists. While I’ve just gotten into talking to swingers about polyamory, most of what I hear is that dreaded “jealousy” word and how much folks who swing aren’t really into long term sharing. I’ve yet to hear anyone in the swinging world claim that their way is better than the poly way (the reserve that disdain for the straight world, sharing that view with the polyamorists). However, the sentiments surrounding sharing are a close second to that vein of thought in my book.

I guess it surprises me that either alternative lifestyle wouldn’t support the other given the fact that they are both alternative lifestyles. Both groups of folk seem to be seeking social and cultural acceptance from a society that holds marriage and monogamy as more important that individual wants and needs. It would seem to me that a united front would be a better way towards that goal than to hold each other with so little respect.

I shouldn’t be surprised though. I saw this in my life when I came out as bisexual back in the late 90′s. I experienced this from lesbian women who felt I was either pretending I still liked men because I couldn’t face wanting only women or who felt I was playing with lesbian’s minds because – in their eyes – I was either gay or straight. But I couldn’t be both. I saw this from gay men, whom I love and adore, who believe all men were gay and just pretending at being straight because of delusions or an inability to face who they were.

I don’t pretend to understand the human psyche and the need to prove one group better or more right than the other. It isn’t just a straight trait though. I feel and my experiences prove that this need is prevalent in all groups, in everyone – heck even in me at times (though my trait is a tendency to want to be right over anyone, which leads me to argue all sides of any argument – even to switch arguments in mid-stride if I feel I’m winning someone over to my side, go figure). I guess its ingrained in us to be the best, at any cost.

It’s sad though, that neither group can see that everyone loses in this situation.

I’ve spent a lot of time arguing (imagine that) with folks in the polyamory world about this “we’re better than swingers” mentality. I’ve talked about how, to me, polyamory and swinging have a lot in common – not necessarily in how they behave in relationships or how they love in relationships, or how they have sex in relationships – but in how we all are trying to live autonomously with integrity in ourselves and respect for our love partners. To me, that’s the central theme in both lifestyles. The path they each take to get there is different and yet their destination is eerily similar. I talk a good talk, but I rarely get anyone to listen. It’s too important to some folk that they not be viewed as polyamorists (or not be viewed as swingers) than to take a step back and honor the similarities instead of focusing on (and over-magnifying) the differences. Perhaps if we did so, we’d find a common ground to meet on and demonstrate how groups overcome silly, petty arguments.

Still I suppose I’ll keep trying. Just like I do on this blog with the straight world – I try to demonstrate that non-monogamists are not sex-crazed folks who refuse to grow up and take responsibility or refuse to form commitments. I try to show that, while polyamory is hard, it is possible and it is a viable alternative to the traditional views on relationships. Some would argue that traditional relationships don’t work any better than the alternative lifestyles; some might even say they fair worse. But that argument is not one I’m taking up here, and it’s not one I necessarily support.

Sometimes having the ability to see all sides and argue all sides isn’t all its cracked up to be. Sometimes it’s tiring. But I will keep fighting the good fight, even if it sometimes seems I do it only for the fact that I enjoy the debate.

4 Comments | All About Me, polyamory, relationships, sex, Swinging, Truths | Permalink
Posted by mmkeekah

She Said Her Name Was Susan

April 6, 2009

Jeff and I were driving towards the border between Mexico and California in a rental car.  We were in Calexico, California visiting my niece, who’d moved to Calexico to live with her boyfriend.  We’d decided to see just how close my niece lived to the border, which turns out to be pretty damn close. 

As Jeff swung the car around to head back towards my niece’s house, we drove past a little shop called Suzy.  A big smile crossed my fact and I said to Jeff, “Hey look at that shop!  My mom went by the name Suzie at times.” 

The smile slowly faded from my face and my heart ached just a little as I thought of the names my mom used in her life.  And I thought of how I never got to use those name with her.  How much I missed out on because she died when I was so young. And I once again I thought of all she never got to know about my beautiful, grown-up, living-with-her-boyfriend niece. 

My eyes grew hot as unshed tears shined from behind them.  I was struck at how odd it was that something so inconsequential as the name of a tiny store in the border town of Calexico could bring home the reminder that my parents are gone forever.  How it could remind me so sharply of all that I lost and all that was lost to those in my family.

I also thought of how far I’d come in dealing with my grief and how none of that mattered when something like this happened.  How much I was still that little orphan girl who was left behind in the aftermath of a deadly accident.  I keep trying to leave that little orphan behind, to move on, to not hurt. But sometimes we just can’t turn our backs on our hurts.  Instead we have to turn around and embrace them.  Even for just a moment.

As we drive past the store called Suzy, I hug myself tightly and close my eyes.  In my mind, I am hugging my little orphan self.  And we drive back to my niece to say goodbye.

1 Comment | All About Me, mom, Truths | Tagged: , , | Permalink
Posted by mmkeekah

Final Thoughts About 2008

December 31, 2008

This is the post where I talk about what I learned in 2008… (sigh) but I’m recuperating from having strep the last three days and I’m a bit bummed that I got sick right before the biggest night of the year. Oh, I’ll still go out tonight but I bet my partying is a bit tempered by the fact that my body is still fighting this illness.

So what have I learned this year… hmmm…

1. From the Mexico trip: Partying 7 days in a row can be detrimental to your health so take a break in between if ya can (this may be related to getting older)
2. From school: You can get perfect scores on every homework assignment and not do well on the tests… what?
3. From work: If you want money to live, you have to go to work.
4. From my kitties: Kitties can get asthma… did you know this?
5. From my love life: You can feel happy when your lover is interested in someone else – poly folk call it compersion or frubble. I call it cool when it works.
6. From my love life: Having more than one love partner is exciting… fun… comforting… wonderful.
7. From traveling: First class is cool but business class on a huge plane is effen awesome.
8. From the past: I still think my ex is an awful person.
9. From the past: I can be an awful person too. They say the things you don’t like in a person are the things you don’t like in yourself. Wise words.
10. From my brother: Or maybe because of my brother – Forgiveness is better than holding on to past transgressions… especially if the person is remorseful. Holding onto bitterness out of some sense of being wronged is childish and petty.
11. From my past: Forgiveness is easy to give but moving on with the person you forgave is harder… most people can’t or won’t do it.
12. From life: When you get the true meaning of forgiveness and moving on, it heals so many other parts of your heart.
13. From life: Number 13 isn’t really unlucky.

I think the biggest thing I learned this year is #12. My parents died in a tragic accident when I was just 13 and for many, many years it defined who I was in many ways. Not just in how others viewed me but in how I viewed myself. And then I had this fight going on with my eldest brother that was a big part of my life even though we didn’t talk and I thought I was “over it.” Until I confronted my past with him and dealt with all of the issues between us, I couldn’t really heal from losing my parents. I couldn’t deal with the pain that brought because I wouldn’t deal with the issues between my brother and me. We couldn’t heal together (and with my other brother) because we couldn’t deal with what was between us.

I remember the anniversary of my parent’s death this year and what I remember most is how hard it wasn’t. Every year prior on that date, I was a mess – internally mostly but the pain and grief was so deep and still felt so new. But this year, while I missed them and felt the pain of their absence, it wasn’t crippling like it had been in the past. I attribute that to the mending of the riff between my brother and me. Long needed, long overdue, but just in time. A gift I gave to him, to myself, to my parents – to everyone in my life. I have an inner peace I think was missing for so long… probably tied into feelings of abandonment and loss I didn’t even know were present.

So that’s my biggest lesson of 2008 – how the sins of our past and our ability and willingness to deal with them directly and forgive those who trespass against us unintentionally, well that’s a better way to live – truly forgive not just give lip service until the next time that someone lets you down so you can use it against them in a moment of superiority conveniently forgetting all the wrongs you’ve done in your life. Better than wallowing decades long in anger, bitterness and regret. I’m 36 and I hope that lesson stays with me in the future.

Happy New Year everyone! I hope you have a great last night of 2008 and I’ll see you in 2009!

3 Comments | All About Me, brother, Daddy, List, mom, share, Truths | Permalink
Posted by mmkeekah

Paving the Way

December 19, 2008

I was talking to my cousin on email about the demise of yet another triad and he said to me, “It seems you and J keep dating people who aren’t familiar with polyamory and maybe you should consider keeping to people who are more experienced with poly.”  There may be some truth to that but there are also these truths 1)even poly people have a hard time with poly, 2) the heart doesn’t work that way, and 3) there are a lot more “straight” folks out there than poly folk.

I don’t go out there looking for straight folk – especially not straight women – and yet I can’t help who I’m drawn towards or who returns my interest.  In fact, it is very rare for me to be drawn towards just anyone.  Even J, while finding many woman here in Denver attractive and funny, isn’t one to just fall in love with everyone. 

It is even true that neither one of us was looking for anyone in particular when we met N.  We just happened to both meet this funny, quirky, sexy lady camping this summer.  And they had a definite “spark” going on between them, and I wasn’t threatened by it.  I actually found her charming and attractive – and lo and behold she was intrigued by what she saw between Jeff and  me and wondered if maybe she could be a part of it too.

It is so rare to find not only a physical connection but also a deeper connection that could lead to an emotional bond that will grow into a long term relationship with one person, let alone two people.  So if it does happen, do you let it pass because one person isn’t familiar with a new relationship dynamic?

I certainly can see an argument for avoidance given the fact that my first triad bombed so tragically and horribly.  And central to its demise was the fact one person in the triad tried something completely new to her and couldn’t get passed her monogamous upbringing and open her heart to the possibilities polyamory offers.  She couldn’t even try honesty with herself, much less honesty with her partners, in order to be in a triad relationship.  And poly talks a lot of self-honesty in order to maneuver the bumps open and honest relationships sometimes cause.

I can’t control who I’m attracted to but I can control who I pursue.  Believe me, more than once I’ve stated out loud, “I’m done with ‘straight’ women who think they are attracted to girls – never mind what Katie Perry says” and “I’m only dating poly people.”  But in the end, the spark ignited, I followed my heart, and I found myself falling for just the type of girl I was trying to avoid.

What’s that road to hell paved with?  Oh yeah, good intentions.  Well, I guess I can take comfort in the fact I’ve remained true to my initial promise to myself. I’ve kept my heart open, I’ve let it lead me where it will, and hopefully my reward is the fact that I’ve been open and honest with myself and others. 

But thanks, Kiko, for worrying about me.  It’s always good to know I’m loved.

9 Comments | All About Me, polyamory, relationships, Truths | Permalink
Posted by mmkeekah

Thursday Thirteen, #52

December 18, 2008

thirteen things

you maybe didn’t know

about

mon-mon

1. When I was a little girl, I was too scared to sleep in my room so I often slept on the living room couch.
2. When I was a little girl, I wanted to be an actress/singer.  I would often play act out whole scenes I made up in my head while I laid on the couch trying to fall asleep, silently mouthing all the words.
3. I loved taking baths with my mom.
4. The first boy I made out with later grew up to be a gay man.  I was a Gracie in the making way back then…(think Will and Grace)
5. I remember exactly where I was when the Challenger blew up – I was in the school library.
6. I used to daydream while walking to high school that I would fall in love with an older man and he would rescue me from my life.
7. I wanted so badly to be in love my senior year that I had crushes on every male coworker who was nice to me.  I went to school dances with two of those coworkers - the Sadie Hawkins dance and my Senior prom – and I didn’t even like school dances.
8. I daydreamed about everything and anything all through high school because it was a miserable experience and I just wanted to get away.
9. I hated my teeth so bad in high school that I never willingly smiled with open lips.
10. I used to work the student store at my high school.
12. I changed my name the first time I moved away from Colorado because I wanted to get away from everything and everyone.
13. I haven’t daydreamed for years and years and years.  My life keeps me too busy to daydream anymore!
Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!

The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others’ comments. It’s easy, and fun! Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!

11 Comments | All About Me, List, Thursday 13, Truths | Permalink
Posted by mmkeekah

A Mon-Mon’s Perspective on Triads

December 12, 2008

It just figures when I finally get around to posting about the status of my triad, when I dedicate a whole week to triad relationships, my triad breaks up.  I’m not sure that’s exactly irony defined but I certainly can see the incongruity of this even through the sadness.  Yet, the very things I was going to discuss about polyamory and triad relationships in this post carry significance over why this triad relationship didn’t work out for me and even why the last triad relationship didn’t work either.

What I want to talk about regarding triad relationships is about their dynamic from the perspective of a being in an established couple and adding a third person to the relationship.  Earlier this week I gave you the female and male perspectives of folks joining an established couple.  Heidel shared with you the struggles her little pride went through as she joined not only a married couple but her two closest friends.  And Kevin shared with you how his triad works as he joined his couple.  I think its important to note the use of the word couple in this last paragraph because it has a very important dynamic in a triad.

The biggest hurdle a triad relationship faces is the  “existing couple” dynamic.  The idea here is the existing couple in the triad has had more time to develop a relationship that precluded the “thirds” involvement and thus there is a “catching up” that must happen in order for all three members to be on equal footing.  The time frame doesn’t seem to matter either; it could be three months the existing couple is together or 30 years – still this seems to promote a problem within the triad.

In my experience, I know I struggled with this dynamic issue in my first triad.  When my insecurities and doubts about my ex-girlfriend’s romantic feelings towards me specifically were prevalent, I worried she was trying to steal J from me.  When J was caught up in NRE with K and would lose patience with my fears and insecurities, I worried about losing him.  And what I wanted most to do was save what I had before with J – our coupleness.

From the other side of the house (that “third” side), there was insecurities and feelings of envy over the fact J and I have an established relationship prior to their involvement.  It was like the proverbial elephant in the room the third didn’t want to admit.  But if anything came up that brought focus to the prior involvement and made the third feel, well like an actual third, then that damn elephant came stomping out, rearing its ugly head.  From what I can gather, the issue is feeling like the third wheel,  or less of a partner or less equal.  Thus there was feelings of having this major catching up to do.  In a dyadic relationship, the catching up is done equally by both partners (or at  least that is the presumption being made here.)  But when you have three partners, and two have a prior relationship of any length, then the third feels like they need to be where the other two are it in order to be considered equal.

The fallacy here is that it is in very rare moments that there will ever be true equalness in any part of the relationship – even in a dyad.  Because rarely do we feel the same about our partner all the time at any given point.  So if you add a third person, the chances of synching up and everyone feeling honkey dory about everyone is pretty slim.  Which is why those rare moments are so precious.  But to bank your whole relationship on synching up is crazy, well in my book anyway.

Then add into it society and monogamy and what we are all taught and bam! it complicates things further.  Because the world at large believes in and supports only man and woman dyad relationships and specifically marriage between a man and a woman.  So now you are facing issues within the triad because of this “existing couple” mentality and no one to offer you support in how to deal with those emotions.  If you ask for help from your family, your church, your friends – what you will hear is you deserve better, you  deserve all the love of one person, you are being cheated.  No matter what side of the “existing couple” mentality you are on, that’s what you will hear.  Along with a lot of “I could never do that myself.”

I’m not saying this specifically is what caused the breakup of both of my triads – we certainly had other personal fights to fight in order to be in a triad relationship.  In the end, my current gf isn’t sure polyamory or a triad relationship is really what she wants for herself.  I have to respect that even if I don’t agree.  The promising note of this break up is we are still talking and even still somewhat dating.   My gf doesn’t want to break up with me or with J.  She just doesn’t want to be in a triad.  I’m struggling to understand how this will work, to understand if I can be different with her after having experienced 5 1/2 wonderful months of being in a triad with her and J.  I have some mourning to do, then I have some growing to do.  But I know I don’t want to lose this amazing woman from my life.

Just the fact that she had the strength to be honest with me, despite being worried of upsetting me, despite what she had learned in other monogamous relationships about hiding her true feelings, despite knowing it would hurt – well it takes my breath away.  And proves to me what she doesn’t know about herself – she has a kind, loving soul filled with integrity and love.  Maybe we aren’t a triad.  But we are all very good friends and lovers.

5 Comments | All About Me, girlfriend, polyamory, relationships, Truths | Permalink
Posted by mmkeekah

All the Difference

November 26, 2008

I bet quite a few of you readers are curious as to how my new triad/poly relationship is faring these days? I’m sure it hasn’t escaped your notice that, once again, I’ve not posted in quite awhile. Well, it isn’t because my relationship is going badly and I’ve retreated within; nor is it because it is going so well that I’m basking in poly nirvana.

Nope, its sheer busy-ness that keeps me from posting. I have all these great idea for posts and no time to write them. I considered letting all of November just go on by without even a teeny tiny post from yours truly.  But since you wondered, I thought I’d tell ya – my poly relationship is going pretty smoothly. Now, I’m not gonna lie and say it is all roses and tequila for everyone. But all in all, it’s going really well. Of course, I can best describe it by sharing a story so you can relate better.

At the end of September, J and I had a final birthday celebration with our friend, C, whose birthday is also in September. We kind of made a pact to throw a joint birthday celebration every September, invite all our friends, see who shows up, and get thoroughly trashed with anyone who did. I’m proud to say we kept up the tradition this year and had a blast. It was quite a turnout and such an eclectic group of folks since it was a mixture of C’s friends, C’s and my friends, J’ friends, and J and my friends. And J and I invited N, our new girlfriend, to join us as well.  The three of us had only been dating a little over two months at that point and this was the first time we were going out in the “straight” world as a thruple. N, of course, had concerns about what her role was or how she was to identify herself to our friends. J and I quickly assured her neither of us had problems identifying her as “our girlfriend.” And so we all just relaxed around each other and enjoyed everyone around us.

As I said earlier, we had quite a large turnout. I was in tip-top form, as always, being the adorable Mon-Mon you all know and love. I drank (a lot) and initiated shots with anyone who wanted to do shots (a lot). And I danced (a lot), which if you haven’t experienced the drunk Mon-Mon dancing to Metallica, then honestly you haven’t lived yet. Seriously.

At one point I sat down, tipsy and giggling, and quickly realized I had lost track of J and N in that moment.  I had not a clue where either one had gone or could be.

Now, as a preface to this next part, I have to backtrack a bit to my previous triad relationship with J and our now ex-gf, K. You have to understand the dynamics that were in play in that relationship before you can appreciate my state of mind in September. In that previous relationship, if I’d lost sight of J or K in a bar when we were with a large group of friends like that – well it would’ve inspired true fear and despair within me. (Honestly, we wouldn’t have been in such a large group – large groups were not K’s specialty.)

You see, I spent most of my nights out with J and K wondering what exactly was going to set K off that night in one of her infamous explosions of insecurity and jealousy and rarely had a moment to enjoy the pleasure of anyone’s company. I admit I would watch and wait endlessly for her to drink a little too much, take something out of hand, and then watch her temper explode and ruin all of our nights. I suppose one could argue that my waiting for it to happen actually made it happen. But truthfully, it rarely took much to set her off.

Like the one New Year’s Eve that we went out with our mutual friend, and I dared to sit in the back seat with J instead of in the front with our friend who drove. And J dared to hold my hand in the back seat. Those acts had her climbing out of the car in tears at our final destination and all but running to the women’s restroom. I calmed her down a bit, but it took her the better part of an hour to even look at J afterwards – I guess because she blamed him for it.

Or the night we met two of my friends out for drinks where she and J spent time acting as a couple while I paid attention to my two friends whom I hadn’t hung out with for awhile. For the better part of two hours everything was fine because she had all of J’s attention… until he dared to bestow one tiny kiss on me (no tongue even), which she saw from afar. And of course she didn’t like it. She said to him, “I saw what you did… kissed her behind my back…” then accused J of ignoring her and started a huge fight between the two of them and ruined another night for all of us.

So you see, it wasn’t jealousy that had me worried about where they could be but fear as to what might have happened to inspire one of her hissy fits. But if I’m honest, maybe it was partly jealousy too. It is hard to be in love and date someone in a polyamorous relationship who thinks like K did – I mean, if she was constantly jealous of any amount of attention I got from J then how could I prevent myself from responding in kind eventually when they had their moments? I’m only human. I would often wonder how she could claim to love me as she did when she was so envious of any attention I got from J. It was a cyclic process with K and me, and those moments when I was alone and couldn’t find them, well it had me worrying about what might transpire next.

I will also admit that very early in our triad relationship (like the first 2-3 months), I did have similar fears (not reactions) as K did about her and J. I could actually relate to her fears, just not how she handled those fears. Eventually I grew comfortable in the fact that J loved K and he loved me. I grew comfortable in the knowledge that he could do so without it taking away from me. Whereas K never seemed to get better, and in fact, the situations got worse and worse before the relationship itself finally fell apart.

Fast forward to that night in September, when I realized I didn’t know where J and N were; When I realized I hadn’t seen them in at least 15 minutes, maybe longer. And I realized I wasn’t worried in the slightest. Then my epiphany – N had never given me cause to worry – N actually cared about both J AND me.

We do experience problems in our triad. Heck, the same issues that arose in my previous triad have come to head in this one too. I mean there are three of us – which means sometimes one person can feel left out or left behind – especially in this couple-dominated world. Who sits in the back seat? Who sits where in a booth at a restaurant? Who is whose “significant other” at work-sponsored Christmas party? Who sleeps in the middle? All of this stuff is still true. Even the feelings these situations inspire today are ones I’ve confronted in my past triad relationship.

The difference is N. When she is feeling something – good or bad – she talks about it. She doesn’t let it fester and doesn’t use it in a fight against one or both of us. That makes all the difference. Plus, I really do think the fact that she cares about both J and me and understands that J is her boyfriend, and yeah, I’m her girlfriend makes the difference as well. She also doesn’t see the relationship between J and me as a threat or something bad. She respects what we have and she honors it in every action and every thought she has with regards to J and me. That itself is a precious gift that I try never to take for granted.

We still have our moments. We still all have areas that need improvement, areas where we each can grow.   I don’t know what is going to happen… I don’t know if my thruple will make it for the long run, if we will part as friends – better for knowing and loving one another - or if one of more of us will leave for another relationship.  None of us have guarantees of forever.

But for now, we are just enjoying being in our little thruple. So thanks for asking.

2 Comments | Birthdays, ex-girlfriend, polyamory, relationships, Truths | Tagged: , , , , , | Permalink
Posted by mmkeekah

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