So I guess it could go without saying that I miss you. But I will say it again, I miss you. Sometimes I wonder if I miss the idea of you or the actual you. So much time has passed I’m not sure I could discern between the reality of you and the idea of you I have in my mind. All that is real to me anymore is the feeling of missing you.

Sometimes when I’m really sad, I mentally cry out to you. A wordless expression of pain and sorrow that you are not here – you are physically unpresent in my life. Sometimes when I’m really happy, I mentally cry out to you. A wordless expression of regret and loss that you aren’t here to share in whatever is bringing me happiness. Sometimes when I have no feelings at all, even then I cry out to you. My mom. The person who is not in my life anymore.

I cannot even describe what the loss of you is like. There is not a comparison that is comprehensible, at least not to me. It is an aching massive void right in the center of what makes me who I am. This massive void is the legacy you’ve left me. Unintentional though it was, your final gift to me was this void. It follows me where ever I go, always present and always reminding me of what I don’t have. You.

Sometimes I just want my mom. I just want you here. Sometimes I get so mad that you aren’t here. That you left. Which is silly because it wasn’t as if you had a choice. But still, I blame you. And that makes me sad even more.

I wonder constantly what our relationship would be like. Would you know me, the real me? Or would I try to hide who I was in fear that you wouldn’t, couldn’t accept me for who I am, warts and all? Would I feel sadness at our inability to really see each other, to be present for each other? Would that sadness feel as significant and inconsolable as not having you here now?  Who were you really? Did anyone know you truly or were you like most people, hiding behind a facade of societal norms and polite etiquette?

I will never know the answers to these questions and yet they are another part of the legacy you left me. A lifetime of sadness filled with unanswerable questions. These are the thoughts I have on this Mother’s Day. Another one where I am left with just a handful of memories of Mother’s days past.

Happy Mother’s Day.

Love,

Your daughter

Forgiveness benefits the giver and the receiver if handled correctly. To refuse to forgive someone for any reason damages more than just the person who caused the offense. Refusing to forgive creates anger and bitterness in a person that carries over into all aspects of that person’s life. They may use it as an excuse or reason to not trust anyone every again, which is soul destroying. Soul destroying to the person refusing to forgive.

Perhaps some would argue that this is the result of the person being betrayed and the person who betrayed them is at fault or responsible. But that is simply not true. The only one responsible for a person’s emotions is the persons themselves. They can choose to hold on to the anger and hurt and feel justified in being bitter about the betrayal. Or they can deal with their emotions head on and find someway to forgive and move on. I’m not suggesting they have to move on with the person who betrayed them. But holding onto anger, hurt and bitterness over a sense of pride hurts the person doing the holding on the most.  The definition of honor is high respect or personal integrity. And I don’t see a lot of honor in holding onto past anger, hurt and bitterness and a refusal to find forgiveness in your heart. In that act, all I find is an unwillingness to confront personal demons and an unwillingness to learn and grow from life’s examples.

Even more, forgiveness is a spiritual process that allows a person to let go of resentment, indignation or anger against another for an offense or mistake. It is a gift that gives the most benefit to the person giving it. It is something a person does for themselves. It isn’t complicated or even difficult. It is a simple, soulful act that imagines a better future and the possibility that the hurt and pain caused by the betrayal will not be the final word on the matter. It builds confidence that a person can survive the pain and come out a better person.

Finally forgiveness acknowledges the humanity each of us has. It acknowledges the fact we all make mistakes, we all fall down sometimes and it isn’t the end of the world. It offers hope they we all can learn from the mistakes made and grow from it.  Forgiveness is not about condoning bad behavior or even about admitting right from wrong. It’s about letting go of bad feelings and the power we give those bad feelings over our soul. It’s about putting the past exactly where it belongs – in the past. Forgiveness, to me, is a matter of personal integrity.

I realize people can question my own personal integrity given the fact I chose to sleep with my best friend’s husband almost 10 years ago. One might ask, where the heck was your personal integrity then? And it’s a valid question. My personal integrity was severely lacking that night. I betrayed myself as much as my friend that night.

But two wrongs do not make a right.

I realize forgiveness is also not about remaining friends necessarily. I admit I don’t have the right to ask for either  forgiveness or remaining friends. But that doesn’t stop my heart for wanting both.

I let her know that I would wait, always, with my door open and that I would try again in the future. I meant what I said then. But more time has passed and now I know that the time for my attempts are over. I must respect her wishes, though they go against everything I feel in my heart. I will never give up waiting for a time maybe never to come. A time where the life we shared and the memories we built would be stronger, more urgently felt than one senseless, thoughtless and selfish act.

An act of betrayal so profound, novels and movies and poems are written about it. I admit I’ve Googled “sleeping with your best friend’s husband” and the Internet is filled with people’s opinions on the act. None of them are flattering. Everything I read echoes what my friend said to me, and yet, there is a part of me that can’t or won’t accept what I read or what I was told. Yes, I think sleeping with your best friend’s husband – even once – is a rotten thing to do. Horrible. Wish I’d never done it. But I keep looking back on our past life together and remembering everything we shared as friends and it overshadows the horrible act.

But of course, I’m on the other side. I’m the rotten one, the betrayer. Culture is set up to flay someone like me and encourage my friend to kick me out of her life and turn her back on what we shared because of one stupid, selfish act. There is no “pro or con” list for this situation for the betrayed, no looking back over history and balancing what was and what could be. It’s kick the betrayer to the curb and close that door. And never look back.

I suck at never looking back in this instance. I’ve been cheated on more than once and in different ways. Because there is emotional cheating as much as there is physical cheating. There are lots of ways to cheat without actually having intercourse and I’m sure many of us have crossed lines we’d prefer our partners not cross with other people. Deceit comes in many forms. When I was faced with the deceit of my at-the-time partners, I chose to look at the grand picture instead of just the one act. I gave the benefit of the doubt allowing that person another chance to prove their love for me.

You just never know, you know? Good people do bad things sometimes and regret, oh so regret what they’ve done. I see no honor, absolutely none, in turning my back on a good person out of spite.  Out of anger or a sense of self-righteousness or whatever drives a person to do so. No honor at all.

But I’m not my friend. Heck, she isn’t even my friend anymore.

She is not my friend.

So I’m back at that last stage of grief – acceptance. I accept that the consequences of my selfishness and weakness are that I lost my friend. I’m not regretful I told her the truth at any moment because it was the right thing to do. Even if it took me a few years to do the right thing. I’m grateful for the time we had together as friends and will cherish the memories. I’m eternally hopeful that some day, in some way, she will remember me as the friend I was before that night.

And my door, my heart will forever remain open to her in case she ever wants to be my friend again.

I wish everyone could learn this truth.

On a whim, I decided to join in and accepted the invite. I didn’t give it a whole lot of thought. It didn’t seem particularly hard to go without make-up. I’ve never been one to wear a lot of make up, especially during the week. I do always wear a tinted moisturizer (with SPF 60 sunblock, of course), some powder, and a little blush. If If I’m in the mood, I might add in a little eyeliner and mascara, but I usually reserve that and eye shadow (which I’ve just started experimenting with again) for the weekend.

So it didn’t seem particularly hard to go without make up for a week. The first day I actually enjoyed just applying my sunblock and going on about my business. It was refreshing to have back the time I used for make up to spend with my bird, Niki, instead. But as the week wore on, I found the freshness of that wore off. I missed my little routine of applying my make up.

I missed looking in the mirror at work or at home and seeing the color on my face. I actually think I look pretty good without make up. But with make up, I think I look fabulous! I have to admit I think that of most women. I like to watch that show What Not To Wear and my favorite part of the show is the hair and make up transformations. I love to see women who never liked wearing make up realizing how beautiful they are inside and out after the transformation. It’s not that I feel women need make up to *be* beautiful… but I think it enhances our beauty, when applied correctly.

The whole purpose of this No Make Up week experiment was to show women that you can go without makeup and still have natural beauty. I knew that about myself anyway. But now I know that I choose to wear make up, not because I am ashamed of how I look or because I’m insecure of how the world sees me. No, I wear make up because I love it.

I no longer look back at our time together and think of how far we’ve come.  Instead I am thankful for every day we have together and every experience we share.  I celebrate every day he is in my life and consider the presence of him in my life to be the greatest gift I’ve received from him.

Today, I know, he will be pondering his age again, as only this time of the year makes him do.  And I leave him this quote and hope he reads it and ponders its significance instead.

“Everyone is the age of their heart.”  ~Guatemalan Proverb

I love you, Jeffery. Happy birthday!

When I was in high school, I was continually amazed by my friends and their ability to declare undying love to one guy, then break up with him one day and be dating an entirely different guy the next day, who was of course their soul mate.  It was confusing to me how transient and transferable their love was depending on their mood or the day.  I never felt that way about anyone when I was a teenager.  Though I daydreamed about finding my one true love, I never found it while traversing the hallways of my high school.

So I’ve never understood love – what it means, how people fall in love and stay in love with only one person.  I’ve loved, don’t get me wrong.  I meant society’s definition of love – it’s always flummoxed me.

I got married way too young – I’ll be the first to admit it… now.  So right off the bat my first serious relationship was already seriously flawed because I gave in to impulse and said yes when I should’ve said no.  And then add on top of that my seriously flawed new husband (who is now an ex-husband) who saw nothing wrong with demanding loyalty and fidelity from me while philandering around with just about anyone who would give him the time of day.

At one point in our marriage, my ex asked me if I would ever consider swinging.  I’m sure the appropriate response would’ve been extreme horror.  But, of course, I was curious.  At this point, he was my first and only lover, I’d never explored my bisexual side and natural attraction to women, nor had I really looked at another man because, frankly, my ex was an extremely jealous man.  (It figures he was the jealous one when he was the only one screwing around at that point.)  I was intrigued at this idea of mate swapping.

Though I was relatively innocent when this topic was introduced, I admit I was quite familiar with the “deviant” side of sex.  I, after all, was raised during my teenage years by my brothers.  Porn was something I was familiar with, as well as the adult magazines.  I enjoyed reading erotica, especially if it had a less-than-normal slant to it.  I even admit to fantasizing about sexual experiences with multiple partners and my favorite porn scenes included girl on girl action.

Too much information?  Hee… Well, it’s out there now.  I’ve always been a sexually curious girly girl with a pretty impressive imagination.  So now I was being presented with the possibility of sharing with my “one true love” what had up until then merely been fantasies.  So yes, I was interested.  Alas it wasn’t meant to be.  My ex immediately shot down the idea and treated me poorly for admitting an interest.

What does all this have to do with the conversation with my cousin?  One time, Kiko and I were discussing the theory of Inner Child.  Or rather he was telling me about his research on the concept.  In turn, he wondered if the loss of my parents and my subsequent childhood played a part in my attraction to polyamory.  Was I looking to recreate the love I lost during that time, attempting to recreate it by having two partners who loved me?  Was my inner child begging for love in order to finally be healed?

What an interesting concept and not one I can readily dispute.  I think everything I’ve experienced and learned has shaped this fascinating woman whose words you now read.  Not just the loss of my parents but certainly the love they gave me before they died.  The lessons they taught me about honoring them, honoring elders in general, having respect for those outside myself – they all contribute.  As well as the experiences I had with my brothers, with my friends, at school, in life – they all played a part in my seeking out something like polyamory.

Even now, when I am beginning to understand that polyamory is just another concept like monogamy, with its own inherent flaws that go along with this beautiful idea of love and relating to and with others.  It is because of who I am and what I’ve experienced that I can take something like polyamory and learn even more about myself.

I’m still not really sure about people and relationships and what motivates people to behave as they do when in love.  But I’m even more certain of myself and how I choose to behave in relationships.  I’m sure I will continue to discover new and exciting things about myself as I continue on in my life’s journey.

I can’t believe another year is gone.  It has been 24 years since you died and so much has happened that you’ve missed.

Since you’ve been gone, four of your grandchildren were born and grew up.  Your oldest, Nicholas, is now married and lives in Avon, CO.  He is a responsible and disciplined boy, quiet and reserved but with the same sweet smile that used to bring you both such joy.  His brother, Matthew, was born just a few months after the accident.  How you both were so looking forward to his arrival.  He doesn’t let you down either.  Matthew has the biggest heart of all the Medinas and I”m pretty sure if you were here, he’d be mowing your lawn as we speak.  Your niece, Miranda, is next in age and what a beauty she turned out to be.  Every time I see her picture I see you, mommy.  The last one to come around is JJ and he was raised a Medina and you can tell, oh yes you can.

Since you’ve been gone, the family scattered a little but then recently has gotten closer again.  The family now meets once a month for breakfast, and I keep hoping more people will join each month.  I won’t give up! because I know, if you were both here, this family would be there come hell or high water.

Since you’ve been gone, your oldest son, Richard, passed away.  The many years before his passing were sad ones, and he was pretty much all alone because of the choices he made in his life.  But I can proudly report to you that he left this world at peace with the past and with the love and support of his brother and sister.  We all did right by him in the end and I think you’d be proud of our ability to mend old rifts.

Your other son, Joe, has divorced and is moving on with his life.  He’s a bit of a workaholic – the family doesn’t see him much.  He raised some fine children though.  His legacy will carry on.  Not only in their genes but also in the love these children have for their father.

Mom, your brothers and sisters remain close and think of you often.  All of them still live relatively close to each other.  They’ve kept the family home in Costilla.  Every year your brothers visit the home town and pay respect to you and dad on Memorial day.  Unlce Louie keeps your grave clean.

Their kids have also married and had children.  I keep close contact with Uncle Frank’s kids, since we are so close in age and grew up practically as brothers and sister.  Chris, or Kiko as we still call him, is married to a beautiful and firey red-head, Mandie, who is just perfect for him.   Together they have one girl, Madison, a lovely little girl.  Adam, Kiko’s brother, is all growed up and the college graduate of the family and a lawyer to boot.  Mom, dad if you know the trouble this boy caused as teenager!  And now he’s a lawyer.  He has two children of his own, Lauren and AJ.  And Keithy-boy, well he married the greatest woman ever (shout out to Hillary) and is the luckiest son of a gun for it.  Keith is also our heart of this family, though he is pretty quiet about it.

And then there is me.  I’m a good egg, mommy and daddy.  I work hard, pay my taxes, follow the rules (mostly) and I love as hard as I work.  I met a good man who makes an excellent partner, and we’ve carved out a life together that brings me such joy and happiness.  I love my family and friends and I’m truly happy.  Not all the time, but then who is… what I learned about life is you take the good with the bad, the hard times with the fun times.  It is what you make it and I intend to make it the best.  I miss you both so much but I’m blessed.  Know that much about me.

So much you’ve missed and so much we’ve missed without you.  I couldn’t let another year go by without letting you know.

With love and respect,

your daughter, Mon-Mon