an existential keekah

In my last blog about polyamory, I spoke about how I was going to spend less time worrying if I was poly, worrying if my relationship fit the definition of poly and spend more time living and enjoying my life – which I am doing. But I still believe in the concept of polyamory. I spend a considerable amount of my online time supporting the online polyamorous community. I attend the polyamory functions that occur here in Denver, and I also still actively speak about poly to anyone who will listen really.

I also started spending more time in the swinging community – not as you would think (wink). But actually attending local meet and greets to get to know the people in “the lifestyle” as they like to call it. There are quite a few swinging groups in Colorado and most are active with parties at local clubs, bars, hotels and even at people’s homes. In particular, there is a local group where the women in “the lifestyle” get together monthly for a wine party – and their men attend a local men’s “support group” at the same time. The central theme to these parties isn’t to have sex, it’s to meet like minded folk who view sexuality and relationships differently than mainstream society.

What strikes me about these two groups is not just the similarity in their views on sex and relationship and how different it is from the “straight world,” but also how much they truly do not support each other in the alternative lifestyles they’ve chosen to live. When I’m in my polyamorists world, I spend a lot of time listening to the ways how poly is NOT like swinging. Some polyamorists will go, it seems to me, to any extent to proclaim how poly isn’t like swinging. They will even go so far as to talk about how many ways polyamory is so much better than swinging.

Then, I spend some time in the swinging world and listen to the other side disclaim polyamorists. While I’ve just gotten into talking to swingers about polyamory, most of what I hear is that dreaded “jealousy” word and how much folks who swing aren’t really into long term sharing. I’ve yet to hear anyone in the swinging world claim that their way is better than the poly way (the reserve that disdain for the straight world, sharing that view with the polyamorists). However, the sentiments surrounding sharing are a close second to that vein of thought in my book.

I guess it surprises me that either alternative lifestyle wouldn’t support the other given the fact that they are both alternative lifestyles. Both groups of folk seem to be seeking social and cultural acceptance from a society that holds marriage and monogamy as more important that individual wants and needs. It would seem to me that a united front would be a better way towards that goal than to hold each other with so little respect.

I shouldn’t be surprised though. I saw this in my life when I came out as bisexual back in the late 90′s. I experienced this from lesbian women who felt I was either pretending I still liked men because I couldn’t face wanting only women or who felt I was playing with lesbian’s minds because – in their eyes – I was either gay or straight. But I couldn’t be both. I saw this from gay men, whom I love and adore, who believe all men were gay and just pretending at being straight because of delusions or an inability to face who they were.

I don’t pretend to understand the human psyche and the need to prove one group better or more right than the other. It isn’t just a straight trait though. I feel and my experiences prove that this need is prevalent in all groups, in everyone – heck even in me at times (though my trait is a tendency to want to be right over anyone, which leads me to argue all sides of any argument – even to switch arguments in mid-stride if I feel I’m winning someone over to my side, go figure). I guess its ingrained in us to be the best, at any cost.

It’s sad though, that neither group can see that everyone loses in this situation.

I’ve spent a lot of time arguing (imagine that) with folks in the polyamory world about this “we’re better than swingers” mentality. I’ve talked about how, to me, polyamory and swinging have a lot in common – not necessarily in how they behave in relationships or how they love in relationships, or how they have sex in relationships – but in how we all are trying to live autonomously with integrity in ourselves and respect for our love partners. To me, that’s the central theme in both lifestyles. The path they each take to get there is different and yet their destination is eerily similar. I talk a good talk, but I rarely get anyone to listen. It’s too important to some folk that they not be viewed as polyamorists (or not be viewed as swingers) than to take a step back and honor the similarities instead of focusing on (and over-magnifying) the differences. Perhaps if we did so, we’d find a common ground to meet on and demonstrate how groups overcome silly, petty arguments.

Still I suppose I’ll keep trying. Just like I do on this blog with the straight world – I try to demonstrate that non-monogamists are not sex-crazed folks who refuse to grow up and take responsibility or refuse to form commitments. I try to show that, while polyamory is hard, it is possible and it is a viable alternative to the traditional views on relationships. Some would argue that traditional relationships don’t work any better than the alternative lifestyles; some might even say they fair worse. But that argument is not one I’m taking up here, and it’s not one I necessarily support.

Sometimes having the ability to see all sides and argue all sides isn’t all its cracked up to be. Sometimes it’s tiring. But I will keep fighting the good fight, even if it sometimes seems I do it only for the fact that I enjoy the debate.