This is the final part in a four part series titled, When Love Multiplies: Two Couples, One Relationship
Polyamory is the practice, desire or acceptance of having more than one intimate relationship at a time with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved. In polyamory, a quad is a relationship between a couple and another couple. Together, Byllie, John, Jean and Jerry are learning the pros and cons of entering a polyamorous relationship. Some of the favorite parts are the sex – because who doesn’t like fun sex? In addition, though, the support each individual has from the other three as troubles arise becomes a close second. Communication continues to increase as each realizes total honesty, including with oneself, is necessary. Trust also becomes a major plus as they each open themselves up to the possibility of this relationship working.
Of course, there are downsides as well. Communication break downs occur at times, which result in fighting between a dyad (two individuals within the quad.) Jerry and Jean have a whole different communication dynamic than Byllie and John. At first, Jerry and Jean’s passionate fights caused anxiety for Byllie and John, since their communication style is much more laid back. Jerry adds, “Each of us had to learn how to communicate differently” with each other.
Then there are the societal values, which play a part in their lives. Not just in having to deal with losing some cherished friendships but also dealing with a world that defines a successful relationship as being between one man and one woman. Byllie notes, “There is a lot of social stigma and discrimination when you put [polyamory] out there. You get looked on as kind of disgusting… [and] I would rather not have anybody tell me that’s me.” John points out, “In an ideal world, there would be no boundaries.” But in their world, they have kids and family to consider.
Byllie is in agreement. “In order to proceed, I need to know I’m primary… if a choice had to be made, that I would win.” Jerry’s perspective is a bit different. Jerry dislikes the notion of boundaries. “If I’m going to do this, I’m going to do it all the way.” Turning away from a relationship that has developed and evolved to the point it becomes ingrained seems unfathomable to him.
Time away also became an issue. Whether it is time away from the primary partners or from the quad itself, the quad quickly had to adjust their expectations. Currently the four spend Friday night, Saturday and Sunday together as a quad with Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday belonging to the primary couples. Jerry also rekindled his romantic relationship with the wife of the couple Jerry and Byllie played with in the past. Jerry’s new/old relationship adds a different dimension and complexity. Jerry spends Thursday and Friday day with his other girlfriend. Dyad dating is a work in progress as the couples try to figure out a dynamic that allows everyone to feel comfortable. But as one clarifies, “it can’t be tit for tat.”
Jealousy also crops up on the con list. John dealt with jealousy early on in their swinging times when he saw Jean being fulfilled with others. Then, too, there is the issue of Jerry’s other girlfriend. Both Byllie and Jean have had to deal with jealousy with regards to Jerry’s other relationship. They deal with jealousy by facing it head on. Ultimately, Jerry notes that issues such as jealousy, scheduling pains and even his new/old love come down to one thing, which turns out to be “the worst part and the best part [of polyamory] – dealing with your own shit.”
One last point of contention with the quad is the definition of polyamory itself. Jerry believes that polyamory is defined by unconditional love, “loving people without expectations or without the need for it being reciprocal.” He wants to focus on the quality and not necessarily the quantity of interactions, which is an actual polyamorous mantra often noted. For the others, this is still a concept they are learning to embrace. Jean states, “[None of us] has the skill set yet” to consider completely opening up. “We would have to sit down and talk about it and discuss the impacts,” notes John. When asked what about deal breakers that would end this relationship, they are all in agreement. “If we all give up or if somebody digs their heels in on a given issue.” Just as quickly they all agree this is unlikely to happen. “The others wouldn’t let it happen,” Byllie says. John notes that this idea is very similar to his own personal view on his marriage to Jean.
“I would do anything I could to not get it to that point,” he says simply.
Posted by mmkeekah 
