When one is in the beginning of a new relationship caught up in the all consuming drive of NRE, many poly people, new and old, find it nearly impossible to take a step back and objectively look at their behavior. They are so lost in the idyllic and intoxicating experience of the new love relationship and are unable, and often, unwilling to consider the impacts to another partner or partners. Many times existing partners are left hanging with nothing to help them adjust and adapt to the rush of this new relationship, of which they may merely be spectators on the sidelines. And depending on the new love interest’s own poly experience, the new love may not have the skill set or ability to understand why the existing partner is having issues. Many times I’ve heard (on the poly board) the new love lamenting about the existing partner hindering their relationship with their shared partner and wondering how they can be considered poly when they are not opening their arms wide to this new partner. There can be a thought process that says, if a person claims to be poly, they should be able to handle their existing partner’s romantic interest in someone else without a hitch. And if they can’t, then maybe they aren’t “poly enough.”

This “not poly enough” concept has rubbed me raw since my own initial polyamory experience. A long term poly person questioned me on being “poly enough” because I dared to share my own personal struggles with my partner’s interest in someone else. I bridled against his derisive dismissal of my issues. As if, just because I identify as poly, all of sudden I’m supposed to live up to this idealized version of how poly people should relate. To me, this didn’t take into account a person’s time to grow into all these new concepts. I also personally thought he was the biggest asshole because it was obvious to me he would enter to any relationship he wanted regardless if his partner(s) were ready or not.

What I found interesting about the newest discussion on NRE transpiring on the board I frequent in current times was the focus on how quickly this issue can turn around on a person. Someone might once have been the new partner in NRE but then, as their relationship blossomed and grew, they might suddenly find themselves now on the other side – watching their existing partner’s interest in a new romantic partner and having to adjust to the change themselves. Regardless of the level of your polyness, a new partner entering an existing relationship affects everyone involved. Existing partners may naturally feel concern over a new person’s ability to truly grasp the entirety of this new relationship they are entering, especially since the existing partner is all too aware how heady and distracting NRE actually is to the minds of the people caught up in it.

It not all roses and tequila for everyone involved in a poly relationship. It behooves everyone involved to find the patience and time to allow adjustments to be made at a pace set by the slowest person, rather than trying to force any one person to accept everything all at once in order to live up to an idealized concept of how polyamory works. After all, you never know when the tables will turn, and you will find yourself having to force your foot into a shoe that just doesn’t fit. Compassion for everyone’s perspective is often hard to find when all one really wants is what they want and right now! But the old adage, do unto others as you would have done to you, fits so beautifully here. Because after all, you reap what you sow.

Polyamory is the practice, desire or acceptance of having more than one intimate relationship at a time with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved. In polyamory, a quad is a relationship between a couple and another couple. Together, Byllie, John, Jean and Jerry are learning the pros and cons of entering a polyamorous relationship. Some of the favorite parts are the sex – because who doesn’t like fun sex? In addition, though, the support each individual has from the other three as troubles arise becomes a close second. Communication continues to increase as each realizes total honesty, including with oneself, is necessary. Trust also becomes a major plus as they each open themselves up to the possibility of this relationship working.

Of course, there are downsides as well. Communication break downs occur at times, which result in fighting between a dyad (two individuals within the quad.) Jerry and Jean have a whole different communication dynamic than Byllie and John. At first, Jerry and Jean’s passionate fights caused anxiety for Byllie and John, since their communication style is much more laid back. Jerry adds, “Each of us had to learn how to communicate differently” with each other.

Then there are the societal values, which play a part in their lives. Not just in having to deal with losing some cherished friendships but also dealing with a world that defines a successful relationship as being between one man and one woman. Byllie notes, “There is a lot of social stigma and discrimination when you put [polyamory] out there. You get looked on as kind of disgusting… [and] I would rather not have anybody tell me that’s me.” John points out, “In an ideal world, there would be no boundaries.” But in their world, they have kids and family to consider.

Byllie is in agreement. “In order to proceed, I need to know I’m primary… if a choice had to be made, that I would win.” Jerry’s perspective is a bit different. Jerry dislikes the notion of boundaries. “If I’m going to do this, I’m going to do it all the way.” Turning away from a relationship that has developed and evolved to the point it becomes ingrained seems unfathomable to him.

Time away also became an issue. Whether it is time away from the primary partners or from the quad itself, the quad quickly had to adjust their expectations. Currently the four spend Friday night, Saturday and Sunday together as a quad with Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday belonging to the primary couples. Jerry also rekindled his romantic relationship with the wife of the couple Jerry and Byllie played with in the past. Jerry’s new/old relationship adds a different dimension and complexity. Jerry spends Thursday and Friday day with his other girlfriend. Dyad dating is a work in progress as the couples try to figure out a dynamic that allows everyone to feel comfortable. But as one clarifies, “it can’t be tit for tat.”

Jealousy also crops up on the con list. John dealt with jealousy early on in their swinging times when he saw Jean being fulfilled with others. Then, too, there is the issue of Jerry’s other girlfriend. Both Byllie and Jean have had to deal with jealousy with regards to Jerry’s other relationship. They deal with jealousy by facing it head on. Ultimately, Jerry notes that issues such as jealousy, scheduling pains and even his new/old love come down to one thing, which turns out to be “the worst part and the best part [of polyamory] – dealing with your own shit.”

One last point of contention with the quad is the definition of polyamory itself. Jerry believes that polyamory is defined by unconditional love, “loving people without expectations or without the need for it being reciprocal.” He wants to focus on the quality and not necessarily the quantity of interactions, which is an actual polyamorous mantra often noted. For the others, this is still a concept they are learning to embrace. Jean states, “[None of us] has the skill set yet” to consider completely opening up. “We would have to sit down and talk about it and discuss the impacts,” notes John. When asked what about deal breakers that would end this relationship, they are all in agreement. “If we all give up or if somebody digs their heels in on a given issue.” Just as quickly they all agree this is unlikely to happen. “The others wouldn’t let it happen,” Byllie says. John notes that this idea is very similar to his own personal view on his marriage to Jean.

“I would do anything I could to not get it to that point,” he says simply.

Byllie and Jerry were in the lifestyle for several years and had a regular swinger group of friends that played together. The first few months sparked a desire to meet another couple they could date. Byllie remembers asking one of the couples if they all would still be friends if they weren’t having sex. “I was looking for some kind of connection,” Byllie remembers. The response was not a good one.

At this point, polyamory had never been discussed within the couples. Although Byllie and Jerry met another couple and Jerry ended up developing a connection with the wife, polyamory itself was not discussed. Byllie and the husband did not share the same connection their spouses were experiencing, which caused contention in the other marriage. Byllie explains, “I was still not thinking that [polyamory] was what I was looking for… [I was] not going hey, that’s what I want.” Jerry chimes in. “We wanted friends with benefits but with more than sport fucking. Sex is fine and good but without the emotional connection, what’s the point?”

Jean heard the term polyamory at a swinger meet up for women and went home to discuss it with John. “That couldn’t work. That doesn’t make any sense. I just don’t get it,” Jean reminisces saying to John. John agreed with her. They weren’t looking for other loves; just some fun, no-strings-attached sex.

Then Jean and John met Byllie and Jerry in February 2009. And several months later, they fell in love.

“I think for me, upon the first time I locked eyes with John, before we even had a first date, I felt something deep and different. I don’t think at that time I thought it was love, but soon after that I knew I was falling in love with him.” Byllie fondly remembers. Jean shares, “The words I love you slipped out in a moment of passion in the first few months, but I knew they were very special over a series of incidents. The final clincher was when Jerry pushed me into trying to spend time with his other girlfriend, and when I completely lost it, he stayed with me and made sure I knew they weren’t going anywhere no matter what!”

“Falling in love is easy; staying in love is hard,” Jerry says, “I think I knew I was really in love with Jean after our first major fight. I don’t even remember what it was about, but I knew then that I wanted in my life what she brought to me.” John states, “I guess I’m still falling. There was a particular moment for me, after we got rings back in the summer, where I was really trying to grok what those rings symbolized. And I realized at that time, that for me, they symbolized my commitment to Byllie and the quad, and my willingness and desire to do whatever I could to make it work. That’s when I knew I’d fallen beyond the point of no return.”

Soon the foursome was inseparable, something that was noticed within the swinging community almost immediately. Suddenly couples who had been their friends for years were showing their displeasure at this new relationship by either protesting loudly or cutting them off. Support from the swinging community was not something they encountered, as they tried to figure out what this new relationship meant.

Next, Part Four: Learning About Polyamory Together

For Jerry and Byllie, their own explorations into swinging were different. “It was always about making friends first.” Byllie remarks. An emotional connection was a must before sex as far as she was concerned. She wasn’t interested in meaningless sex, not even in the name of fun.

Jerry and Byllie have been married for 10 years. They met in Las Vegas, where Byllie was a stripper. Jerry was a married man of 16 years at the time, but his marriage was faltering. “We had sex once in 7 years, and we both rolled over afterward and went, ‘why did we do that’?” Jerry comments wryly. When he met Byllie, he knew there was something about Byllie he had to pursue. Over the course of the next year, Jerry followed his intuition and visited Byllie at work until she finally agreed to go out with him. Jerry eventually left his wife and married Byllie.

The two were married for seven years when their life hit a rut. It was a great life but sex was infrequent. They had single female friends, strictly platonic, and no married couple friends. When they hung out with their friends, Jerry and Byllie didn’t want to be affectionate with each other for fear of making anyone feel like a third wheel. This lack of affection between the two of them in front of their single friends “kind of drew us apart sexually,” Byllie added.

They both agree a turning point in their marriage at that time was a visit to Amsterdam. They smoked hash for the first time, which was followed by amazing sex. “We had sex like rabbits for three days.” Jerry gets out, laughingly. “We pretty much had sex the entire time we were there. Then we got back home and we were like, ‘wow, that’s what was missing.’” Byllie chimes in. This sexual revival prompted further discussion, which led to the realization they needed couple friends and people who weren’t all “caught up in being paranoid about expressing their sexuality.” So began the research to find people who were open and that led Jerry to swinging.

Jerry created several profiles on some of the popular swinging websites and groups available. Jerry created these profiles to facilitate the learning process because only a member can have full access. It took Jerry a week to tell Byllie. “I went, ‘Um Byllie, by the way’…” he laughs. “And I was like ‘Whaaat?’” Byllie adds, “Because I had previous swinging experience with my ex.”

“This was actually one of the reasons why we did it,” they say almost simultaneously. “I have to digress a bit,” Byllie calmly states, her emotions showing on her face. “So my ex and I… he says to me (about five years into their marriage), ‘Let’s go to this house party. It’s a swinger’s party… because I don’t want us to get bored in our relationship.’ And I say, ‘Okay.’”

Byllie recalls the nervousness they felt about not knowing what to do and how to act. Eventually, the two of them encountered a single male and invited him to a room for some play. Byllie’s ex-husband suggested Byllie allow the man to “just lick your pussy.” At this point, Byllie was quite inebriated. “I was three sheets to the wind,” she reminisces. One thing lead to another and the two of them had sex.

Her ex then left the room on the pretext of having a cigarette but left the party without Byllie, effectively stranding her at a house party with people she barely knew. Understandably, this first swinging experience caused feelings of trepidation in Byllie once Jerry brought up the possibility of swinging. “But we also knew [because] we talked about it at length… that that was a demon she needed to face, “Jerry comments.

Byllie counters, “Well if I’d never swung again, I wouldn’t have been haunted by it.” Jerry reiterates, “There was still part of that anger you held over.” Byllie concedes his point, “Well, looking back I get angry. At this point in my life I’m not angry anymore… because I guess it was a necessary step in my life.”

Next, Part Three: An Evolution of Love

Sometimes it really is all about sex.

The promise of new and exciting sex is what would send a committed couple into exploring the swinging lifestyle. “The lifestyle,” as it is affectionately referred to within its own sacred and hallowed halls. For John and Jean, married 18 years, this was how they viewed their initial foray into swinging two years ago. They both always had a traditional outlook on marriage itself and didn’t feel the need for emotional commitments with other people. However, they did think being sexually involved with others could add to their marriage.

They joke that it probably started with the movie, Summer Lovers, which Jean watched with fascination as a young girl. Or maybe it was when John read Stranger in a Strange Land, which contains a theme on the spiritual importance of sexuality. Or perhaps it was during college, when Jean and John experimented in threesomes with two of John’s good friends, one of which became his best man. In fact, their best man joined them for some fun sexual play after the wedding.

Whatever was truly the beginning, it was a vacation to Florida on their 15th anniversary that opened up the discussions once again. During this trip, they went to a strip club for fun and ended up getting private dances from a stripper they both found attractive. They enjoyed the dances and went back the following evening. After dropping several hundred dollars on the same dancer, they discussed inviting her back to their room for sex but chickened out.

About four months later, they hired a painter for their new house. Jean found him very attractive and enjoyed a mild flirtation with him. It wasn’t until she made plans to have drinks with him without telling John that she started to feel guilty and confessed it all to John. John realized he didn’t have an issue with Jean pursuing the painter, though nothing came of the mild flirtation. After much discussion and an initial online search by John, Jean took over the research into swinging.

However, from the beginning, John made it clear to Jean that he took his commitment to their marriage seriously. “Divorce was never an option,” he states clearly from the couch where his girlfriend, Byllie, is twirling her fingers through his hair. From across the room, his wife nods her head in agreement, sitting comfortably next to her boyfriend, Jerry. “We always said we would do whatever it took,” Jean says. “We made a commitment that, no matter what, we would make [our marriage] work,” John adds, “We didn’t anticipate having emotional connections. It was just a fun play thing for us to go to do together…”

Next, Part Two: Looking For Kindred Spirits

For Jerry and Byllie, their own explorations into swinging were different. “It was always about making friends first.” Byllie remarks. An emotional connection was a must before sex as far as she was concerned. She wasn’t interested in meaningless sex, not even in the name of fun.

Jerry and Byllie have been married for 10 years. They met in Las Vegas, where Byllie was a stripper. Jerry was a married man of 16 years at the time, but his marriage was faltering. “We had sex once in 7 years, and we both rolled over afterward and went, ‘why did we do that’?” Jerry comments wryly. When he met Byllie, he knew there was something about Byllie he had to pursue. Over the course of the next year, Jerry followed his intuition and visited Byllie at work. Byllie finally agreed to go out with Jerry. Jerry eventually left his wife and married Byllie.
The two were married for seven years when their life hit a rut. It was a great life but sex was infrequent. They had single female friends, strictly platonic, and no married couple friends. When they hung out with their friends, Jerry and Byllie didn’t want to be affectionate with each other for fear of making anyone feel like a third wheel. This lack of affection between the two of them in front of their single friends “kind of drew us apart sexually,” Byllie added.

They both agree a turning point in their marriage at that time was a visit to Amsterdam. They smoked hash for the first time, which was followed by amazing sex. “We had sex like rabbits for three days.” Jerry gets out, laughingly. “We pretty much had sex the entire time we were there. Then we got back home and we were like, ‘wow, that’s what was missing.’” Byllie chimes in. This sexual revival prompted further discussion, which led to the realization they needed couple friends and people who weren’t all “caught up in being paranoid about expressing their sexuality.” So began the research to find people who were open and that led Jerry to swinging.

Jerry created several profiles on some of the popular swinging websites and groups available. Jerry created these profiles to facilitate the learning process because only a member can have full access. It took Jerry a week to tell Byllie. “I went, ‘Um Byllie, by the way’…” he laughs. “And I was like ‘Whaaat?’” Byllie adds, “Because I had previous swinging experience with my ex.”
“This was actually one of the reasons why we did it,” they say almost simultaneously.“I have to digress a bit,” Byllie calmly states, her emotions showing on her face. “So my ex and I… he says to me (about five years into their marriage), ‘Let’s go to this house party. It’s a swinger’s party… because I don’t want us to get bored in our relationship.’ And I say, ‘Okay.’”

Byllie recalls the nervousness they felt about not knowing what to do and how to act. Eventually, the two of them encountered a single male and invited him to a room for some play. Byllie’s ex-husband suggested Byllie allow the man to “just lick your pussy.” At this point, Byllie was quite inebriated. “I was three sheets to the wind,” she reminisces. One thing lead to another and the two of them had sex.
Her ex then left the room on the pretext of having a cigarette but left the party without Byllie, effectively stranding her at a house party with people she barely knew. Understandably, this first swinging experience caused feelings of trepidation in Byllie once Jerry brought up the possibility of swinging. “But we also knew [because] we talked about it at length… that that was a demon she needed to face, “Jerry comments.

Byllie counters, “Well if I’d never swung again, I wouldn’t have been haunted by it.” Jerry reiterates, “There was still part of that anger you held over.” Byllie concedes his point, “Well, looking back I get angry. At this point in my life I’m not angry anymore… because I guess it was a necessary step in my life.”

Next, Part Three: An Evolution into Love

I’ve never really talked about compersion here on this blog. Maybe I mentioned in passing that compersion is the term coined to explain that feeling of happiness one person gets when they see their lover, be it husband/wife or girlfriend/boyfriend, with another person sexually and/or romantically.  I say and/or romantically because polyamorists adopted the term compersion to try and get the world to understand you can have multiple relationships successfully and share in your lovers’ emotional and sexual satsifaction with another person without being involved necessarily.  Maybe I talked about it in that vague, unattached way without giving you any real life examples.

Mainly because when I experience compersion in my relationships, it’s generally mixed in with a great big dose of fear that sometimes looks a little like jealousy and, more often than not, envy.   I get the wonderful gift of feeling joy at watching J enjoy multiple relationships while at the same time worrying over every little detail like only another Virgo mind can really appreciate.  I can honestly say that, with the exception of our first experience with K, every relationship since has brought the same warring feelings into my life, heart and mind.

It wasn’t anything these ladies did so much as what their entrance to my life could mean.  I was worried about what might be -  because with K , I did no such thing.  With K, I threw caution to the wind and took a chance that my heart meant as much to her as hers and J’s meant to mine.  I thought our years of friendship, the time her and I had taken to know each other and care about one another, would be my safety net.  I also put a lot of stock into J’s other poly experiences and his talk of being able to love more than one person at a time without it causing damage to our relationship.  I took a lot at face value in that first poly relationship.

It’s not that I blame K (okay maybe I blame her) or that I blame J even… truth be told, we all were to blame.  Me for my blind faith, K in her lack of faith inability to share, and J for his unwillingness to accept that K was not who he thought she was, who she claimed to be.  It was all part of why we weren’t able to stay together as a triad.  It also plays a part in why it is almost impossible for me to experience just compersion in any current or future poly relationships I might become a part of later in life.  I can’t say it will always be this way; it’s just the way it is now.

So, while I was happy for J that he had a new friend with benefits, maybe potential love interest – I was all kinds of crazy scared of what that change meant for me.  J and I are funny that way…  one of the things J tells everyone about is his inherent selfishness.  And it’s true.  J wants what he wants and damned anyone who gets in his way.  Even me, at times.  But this is what gets  me… when people look at our relationship and hear that or experience it, they think of me as the martyr, the poor suffering girlfriend who lets her man get away with it.  But the truth is – I’m just as selfish as J.  I think that’s why we work so well.  He’s fighting for what he wants, I’m fighting for what I want but in between all that is this amazing love that refuses to let us break up without reaching a compromise between what he wants and what I want.

So it’s been several months since C entered our lives.  We had some really interesting times between J and me as we tried to navigate this new relationship.  J and C have settled into a really nice friendship and casual sexual relationship (that sometimes I get to enjoy as well).  C has learned a bunch of new terminology from this newly tried open relationship style that so far only encompasses one couple (that would be J and me, in case you weren’t following).  Of which, her favorite term would be compersion.  She’s even explained it to her ex-boyfriend and several other close friends.

When C learned about my initial worries regarding her, she was a little devastated and I think hurt.  I’d promised her total honesty when it came to whether or not she was “stepping on my toes.”  What she didn’t understand is that I didn’t consider my worries something she needed to do anything about… no, it was all on me.  It was my stuff to own.  I think I’ve worked on it quite well and C and I are fast friends.

It probably won’t be the last time I find myself working through the compersion/jealousy feelings.  I’m glad it worked out well this time.  I found myself a great friend… and sometimes bed partner, so to speak.

Jealousy is a set of emotions that are based in our insecurities.  Our insecurities play a part in how jealousy manifests itself.  For example, we may see our partner talking and laughing with a member of the opposite sex and immediately feel anger.  Anger at our partner for engaging in the behavior or anger at the other person for crossing an imaginary line with someone obviously in a relationship.  We might think, what is my partner doing flirting so openly with that person? Or we may think of the other person, Have they no shame then to come on to a taken person?

Or maybe we feel fear creeping up on us as we watch our partner continue to talk with the other person and we might think, why does my partner need to talk to that person?  What am I not doing/providing that my partner needs to seek it out in another person? Fear may continue to taunts us with thoughts like, Are they going to leave me for this other person?

Sometimes jealousy can manifest in the form of envy – why does my partner feel free to speak to others when I never behave like that?

But what we don’t know is that jealousy usually isn’t about our partners but rather about our own deep-seated insecurities developed over the course of our lives.  We aren’t taught how to deal with jealousy but rather how  taught to avoid it. Some people simply refuse to acknowledge jealousy.  Others choose the blame game path “my partner makes me jealous.”  But dealing with it directly is not generally an option.

Dealing directly with jealousy requires one to confront their own demons.  Jealousy is generally not the real problem, but rather a symptom of the problem.  Most of the time the problem is internal.  Most of the time jealousy is allowed to manifest and grow because we are in denial.  Internally we are refusing to acknowledge a hurt or fear that is exacerbated by our partner’s actions.  Actions which we choose to interpret in a negative light even when we don’t have the full story.

In the example above I stated we saw our partner talking to someone of the opposite sex.  A simple conversation of which we are not in close enough range to hear what is being said.  And yet, at times our minds may take a leap to thinking our partner is crossing that boundary, or the unknown person is crossing that boundary, when really we haven’t seen anything that would prove or disprove that thought.  It’s our own internal insecurities showing us proof of what we fear about ourselves.

I can’t tell  you exactly what that fear is because it’s different for everybody and is generally tied into an old hurt from our past – our childhood, our teen years, our twenties… from any time in the past. But it’s there, waiting to remind you exactly why its true.  Even if we know intellectually we are not what our fears say, even if we know we deserve all that life has to offer,  sometimes our insecurities feed that little doubt we all have inside.

When it comes to loving relationships, society (and our parents, and our friends, etc) teaches us that we must protect what we have to avoid jealousy.  We must find our perfect mate, forsake all others, and til death do us part never let someone else have what we have found.  Society teaches us that jealousy is the problem, and to stop the problem, we must never put ourselves in the way of the problem.

We are taught to avoid jealousy instead of looking at jealousy as a tool.  Because most of the time, jealousy isn’t the problem but actually a symptom of the problem.  But we’ve crafted the ability to avoid addressing the symptom and therefore rarely see the problem until its too late.

Sometimes jealousy is showing you that there is a problem in your relationship.  If your partner isn’t being honest with you or is deliberately misleading you, then jealousy is founded.  It’s your internal warning system telling you something isn’t right and your head and heart aren’t listening to the warning signals.

Sometimes jealousy is showing you that you aren’t addressing an internal hurt.  If your partner isn’t doing anything wrong and yet you can’t shake unreasonable jealousy about actions you perceive as threatening, then you aren’t looking inside yourself – you aren’t being honest with yourself.  And this can be damaging to your partner and to your relationship with them.

Polyamorous people mostly believe that jealousy in and of itself isn’t harmful.  It is our own reactions to that jealousy that prove dangerous and hurtful.  Poly people strive to acknowledge the jealousy, identify it’s trigger(s), and communicate with their partner(s) in order to work past and through it.  Jealousy isn’t considered the enemy but is used to better understand oneself and one’s relationships.

Most poly people don’t ignore the clammer of jealousy when it comes calling but they do heed the credo “own your own junk.”  Owing your own junk means acknowledging that the only person responsible for making you feel jealous, or mad, or left out, or angry, or resentful or any other emotion you might feel is you.  When you own your own junk, you look internally first to determine the validity of jealousy and then examine the external factors involved.

Owning your own junk means learning a way to communicate the findings so that you can work with your partner to fix the problem.  When the source is external, you can then face the issue and determine best what needs to be addressed with your partner(s).  If the source is internal, then you can face whatever emotion is causing the jealousy.  Either way, owning your junk means you understand yourself better and also creates better communication in your relationships.

Franklin D. Roosevelt once said, “There is nothing to fear but fear itself.”  Wise words.  Owning your own junks means you don’t have to fear the unknown since you’ve faced it head on.    The rewards from bravely facing those fears are felt in all aspects of life.

Thirteen Things

Mon-Mon

Doesn’t Like

About Polyamory

(aka Poly Con List)

1.  You become a sexual deviant in the eyes of your family, friends, and society.  Monogamous people treat you differently, even if they say they understand.  I don’t even think its necessarily meant to happen, and yet, it does.

2. Your friends suddenly think you want to sleep with them.

3. Your friends get offended if you explain you aren’t attracted to them “in that way” and don’t want to sleep with them.

4. You have to unlearn a lot of societal conditioning – while this can be a good thing, it’s not exactly easy.  Especially when you are in crisis and need support and all you have to turn to are friends who share that societal conditioning.  It would be so much easier to just give into the conditioning.

5. Everyone thinks you will sleep with anyone – as if suddenly you don’t have any standards or morals.  Being non-monogamous is not the same thing as being immoral.  Not that I believe sleeping with a lot of people is immoral – I’m more focusing on the societal conception of sleeping with more than one person and how they tie that into their view of non-monogamous people.  Besides, many poly people I know are even more picky than some of my single, serial monogamist friends.

6. People don’t get you because you aren’t practicing a “normal” love style.  There isn’t much understanding in the world for poly people and sometimes that is downright tiring.

7. Society has an insane aversion to jealousy – which is quite prevalent in the world in general and in polyamorous relationships as well.  If you try to explain why you’re jealous to a non-poly person, their attitude is akin to “well, what did you expect?.”  Jealousy is just an emotion; just because you’re poly doesn’t mean you suddenly lose all emotion.  It just means you are willing to accept it will happen and willing to work to control jealousy instead of letting jealousy control your life.

8. Polyamory takes brutal self honesty – BRUTAL.  You can’t hide from yourself and be successful in poly.  Lying to yourself in poly will destroy your relationships – even long term marriages fail because people lied to themselves in poly.  You will give into societal programming and probably believe poly is evil instead of recognizing there isn’t any evil, you just weren’t honest with yourself.

9. You will meet a lot of people who “think” they can be poly but in practice have a hard time “being” poly.  And this can cause a lot of pain.  A lot.

10. The dating pool shrinks because few people “get” polyamory.  They think you can’t commit.  They think you are a player.  They think they can’t handle jealousy and want you all to themselves – to the possible detriment of any other existing relationships.

11. New Relationship Energy (NRE) while fun… can lead you down some crazy paths because it blinds you to possible problems with new folks and can negatively affect your existing poly relationships (but that is for another post, I think!).

12. The other alternative lifestyles out there don’t support polyamorous folks very well either.

13. You obtain a LOT of phone numbers in your travels and dating and it’s hard to manage them.  (lol)

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