Actual outfit seen on 16th Street Mall Bus this morning:
Yellow Straw Hat
Long Leather Black Jack
White Pants
White Socks
Black Flip Flops with yellowish strap – the strap went between the toes!
Do people even own mirrors these days?
Mirror, Mirror
September 11, 2008
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funny, human condition | Tagged: bad outfit, outfit | 
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Posted by mmkeekah
Sometimes We Run
August 24, 2008At the end of May, my love and I had a fight about, of all things, paying bills. I suppose all couples disagree from time to time over money and such, but the whole squabble just seemed so silly to me. I thought I was being rational but he didn’t see it my way. So he left to go shopping and presumably to get away from the argument. But he returned just moments later to announce he wanted to break up. Needless to say, I was less than enthusiastic about this major decision he had made. We spent the next few days in turmoil as we both worked through the aftermath of this announcement.
Now, we all handle stresses in life differently. I suppose there could be arguments back and forth about the best way to handle things in your life versus bad ways, but in the heat of the moment when emotions are running high, sometimes you default to the only way you personally know how to deal with those stresses.
In May, I lost my 46 year old brother to a long illness. In addition to that, my love lost a friend, who was also in his forties, to a heart attack. These were heavy, deep losses for both us – and a reminder to him of how fragile life is – how easy it can slip away. Add on top of that the relationship we both tried with our ex-girlfriend – how much time and effort was put into, all the compromises made and all the horrible times that overshadow any good times we shared during the relationship. It can make a man wonder about the choices he made in his life – to wonder if he’d made the right ones and been true to himself – especially in the middle of a stupid, inconsequential fight about money.
In the end, we didn’t break up. He explained to me his frame of mind at the time, and I tried to understand where he was coming from at that moment. During the explanation, other issues came up from him, including the fact that he was feeling stifled. He felt he couldn’t explore outside relationships, without me, based on what had occurred with our ex-girlfriend and also based on some of my responses to interests he’d had in other women after the dissolution of the triad. I can’t pretend I wasn’t devastated by his choice to break up rather than talk through these issues with me, even though he rescinded his break up request. But I have to admit, there was truth to what he said. While I’d never openly said I didn’t want him to date others without me, I wasn’t ever really supportive when he expressed interest. Because I was scared; I was scared of the unknown.
The initiation of this break up was exactly what we both needed. It took me more than a few months to see it this way. As I said, I was hurt by his choice. But, knowing who he is and loving every part that makes up him, I can see why he felt cornered. And even though his head was telling him to leave, his heart reminded him of what we had together, what we had achieved together, and in the end, he couldn’t leave.
Maybe other people wouldn’t see it that way but I do. He loved me enough to stay and talk out his fears based on all our losses, including the ex-girlfriend and that whole traumatic, messy, unnecessary experience that was she. He loved me enough to admit what he needed and have faith that I would work through my fears. And I love him enough to let go of my ego, work through my own issues, and have faith in our love.
We just celebrated our four year anniversary on August 2nd. I marvel at how little time that really is and how much has transpired in those four years. I know nothing in this life has guarantees. I know a truly committed relationship takes work to sustain it during the rough patches. And I even admit it is entirely possible that my relationship with my love won’t last a lifetime. But I’m betting on the odds that we have what it takes to make it in the long-term.
Leave a Comment » | boyfriend, human condition, polyamory, relationships | Tagged: breakup, fights, heal, love | Permalink
Posted by mmkeekah
Where Do You Find the Time
August 18, 2008It’s not that I don’t want to blog…
It’s the time fairies… they’ve stolen all my time.
I have all these great ideas for blogs….
Like the one I have for the song “I Kissed A Girl” by Katie Perry. It’s a good one…
Or the my new Thursday 13 blog – oooo it’s good!
And of course I have a few poly-centered blogs to write…
See! I’ve got ideas. It’s just the time…
Blah. Maybe tonight.
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Posted by mmkeekah
Having Your Cake
August 4, 2008Great quote:
“The key to having it all is to stop expecting it to look like what you thought it was going to look like.”
1 Comment | human condition, Truths | Tagged: quotes | Permalink
Posted by mmkeekah
Rolling With The Punches
May 20, 2008Wow life is crazy beautiful. So weird. It comes full circle sometimes in unexpected ways.
Say you make a bad decision once and hurt yourself. You keep it to yourself, thinking its your burden to bear. Then, years later, you decide you should confess for the sake of honesty and hurt a friend. But you find forgiveness… only to have it yanked away abruptly, with no discussion, no recourse – just silence.
Then you find acceptance – inside yourself for what is meant to be… only to learn about a betrayal from years ago from another person. And realize your own internal struggle over a feeling of what is done to you versus that ability to forgive… and find yourself struggling.
How do you reconcile your heart and your head? Forgiveness is too simple really. It is more about acceptance… and moving on.
Life. It’s just one damn thing after another, now isn’t it? I realize this more right now – in this moment.
So simple. So beautiful.
2 Comments | All About Me, human condition | Tagged: beautiful | Permalink
Posted by mmkeekah
A Kind Of Goodbye
May 13, 2008In January, I went to visit my brother who had just returned from the hospital after his stroke. I’d visited him in the hospital between that time, and of course, we talked frequently on the phone. For months, my brother had wanted to talk about our past, to talk about what happened, to give his side of the story… to find forgiveness.
I’d not exactly put him off, but I’d really not responded in kind either. I’d listened to his stories and comments without providing any feedback, good or bad. I mostly listened in a kind of awe as I realized how differently we remembered our past.
I couldn’t find the words to express what I was feeling about our past, so I decided to print out the posts from this blog that I’d written specifically about him. I took them all and asked him to read, keeping in mind that some were written prior to us talking again.
He read the post I’d written about our parents’ death first; I sat silently while he read. After a few minutes – a lifetime – he set the papers down and said that was how he remembered it too. He then said to me, with tears running down his face, “Even when it was bad, I knew we’d be together again as a family – you and me and Joe (our other brother).” He stood up and I stood up and then we wept together. In sadness and in happiness, we clung to each other and cried out our mutual pain. He said again he was sorry and we let our past go.
I left before he read the other posts but he called me later about them to share that he’d forgotten some things and those posts brought it all home. But we’d said our goodbyes to those painful times. He still spoke about our past at times, still asked me if I remembered this or that – sometimes I didn’t remember things he did and it was eye opening. Other times, I remembered it differently, and we’d start to bicker until I remembered that it wasn’t all that important right now.
My brother asked me once what I remembered about him when I was a teenager, as a father figure to me, and I responded, “what I remember most is how angry you were… just so angry.” He called me later to thank me for opening his eyes to that anger, and he wanted me to know I was right.
Jeff told me once he couldn’t understand how I could forgive Richard for our past, for the things he did or didn’t do when he was my guardian. But what I realized as I listened to Richard’s stories was that we were at a point in our story where we were both beyond forgiveness. We were both learning about acceptance. Because my brother was dying and this was our last chance. This was my last chance to grow the hell up and realize it isn’t always about me, and this was his last chance to face what he’d done.
The truth is my brother lost a set of parents too. He lost a mother and father who adored him. He had to be the adult, the big man – he was the one who everyone turned to and expected him to make it alright. He was 24, true, but how many of us are truly adults at 24? How many of us have to face the burial of not one, but two parents and the responsibilities that entails AND the responsibility of a 13 year old sister?
I never once really considered what my brother went through when my parents died. I got a little taste of it with my brother’s death now, and I feel great sorrow and empathy for the 24 year old boy my brother was at that time and facing such a daunting task. All these 17 years, I held on to this anger and pain about what my brother did to me. I never thought of what he did to himself. In the end, my brother lost his whole family – his parents, his brothers, his sister, aunts, uncles, cousins… what a steep price to pay when I believe, with all my heart, his original intentions were good.
I don’t know exactly what’s changed my perception of my brother but I can’t look at the past with the same eyes. With the same venom and spite. With the same anger and hate. I just don’t have it in me. What I see is the sick, suffering soul I saw in the hospital about a year ago. Down, out, sick, without his family. I never wanted that – not for anyone and especially not for my brother.
So I got over myself. Dealt with my shit and learned how to be there for a man on borrowed time. I became the sister he needed. Not out of duty but out of love.
He was my brother. He deserved his family. It was the best choice I made in my life ever. To let go of my pride, to let go of the past, to stop being a victim to my own perceptions – no matter how justified they may seem. I let go of what he did to me long enough to meet the man he became. And found something in myself I never knew I needed to find, didn’t know I was missing – I found a sister. I was – I am – Richard’s sister.
Maybe he couldn’t be strong for both of us 22 years ago but I could be strong for both us now. I wanted to be strong. This is what love is -this is what it means to really love someone; not self sacrifice, just acceptance.
Goodbye, Richard. May you be at peace. May you know that you are loved and missed by your family. You are loved by me, and I will miss you.
3 Comments | All About Me, brother, human condition, loss | Tagged: forgiveness, hope | Permalink
Posted by mmkeekah
I’m Leaving On A Jet Plane
May 9, 2008We are on our way to Missouri for a family get-together – Jeff’s family that is… considering he was immersed in my family this past four days (for less than fun times), I guess I’m due.
I’m a little nervous because he says his family is even larger than mine… and that’s after he met and hung out with my family…
(gulp)
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Posted by mmkeekah
Who Knew?
May 6, 2008There is so much that needs to be done when a person dies. I had no idea… is this what my brother went through initially when my parents died? I certainly didn’t know AND I certainly didn’t give him enough credit. What a dumb ass kid I was… this is entirely too stressful.
My sister-in-law and I spent TWO hours just in the funeral home alone. It was a drawn-out, painful process. All I could do was stroke my sister-in-law’s back when she broke down and try to hold myself together. I made jokes with one of the arrangers, which is how I sometimes deal with pain. So that helped.
And we have to start all over again tomorrow. Picking out clothes for my brother, arranging a family get together… I’m tired just thinking about it.
When will this be over? I keep telling it to be over…
1 Comment | All About Me, brother, human condition, loss | Permalink
Posted by mmkeekah
Not Ready To Make Nice
March 30, 2008Last night I had a dream about my friend – we were talking on the phone while she was at work, laughing about this and that. It felt so good, and so I suggested to my friend that we go to lunch. “We haven’t gone to lunch in so long,” I said to her. She agreed and wondered if I knew where her work place was at, since it been so long since we’d seen one another. I woke up smiling, excited about my lunch date… until I realized it was a dream.
Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I’m not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I’m still waiting
Forgiveness is something that once again is on my mind because of this friend, as I realize forgiveness and forgetting are two very different things. Once, a long time ago, I betrayed this friend and kept silent. Years later I confessed, believing the truth would be better than a lie. Knowing I could lose my friend, but also knowing I would deserve it. I wasn’t blind to my betrayal, nor to the fact it was my price to pay if it was meant to be paid. I was surprised and humbled when she selflessly offered forgiveness. I didn’t question the quickness of it, and I guess neither did she.
I’m through with doubt
There’s nothing left for me to figure out
I’ve paid a price
And I’ll keep paying
I learned recently that the real reason my friend let the break between us stay a break was not because of the fight about my ex-girlfriend or even her new boyfriend but because of the this one act of betrayal that she thought she’d forgiven me for but hadn’t. If I’m honest, I knew it wasn’t only about those silly fights. I knew what it was about and part of me thinks I deserve it.
It took me a long time to accept that I couldn’t change what I’d done. I can’t take it back, I can’t make it right, and I can’t make it go away. Ever. Regretting it won’t give anything but heartache. People are more than one particular act; rather they are a collection of many acts. Concentrating solely on just one act takes away from everything else that person has done or been to others. I am not that one selfish act I committed years and years ago. I won’t make excuses for it but neither will I live my life trying to make up for it. Because I can’t.
I know you said
Can’t you just get over it
It turned my whole world around
And I kind of like it
In some ways, that one act allowed me to see what I am capable of – it allowed me to see that we, as humans, are capable of incredible goodness and terrible badness. All of us have the potential to be great and the potential to cause great harm. There is a line between good and evil and we all can dance on either side of the line. I know now, from personal experience, that good people do in fact do bad things without ever intentionally meaning to hurt anyone in particular or with little thought to the consequences until its too late.
The whole reason I confessed to my friend was because I realized my silence took away her right to choose. It took her right to learn and grow from her own life experiences because she didn’t know. It was selfish of me to lie about it because I was afraid of losing her. She had a right to choose her own path from that experience, and I denied her that choice by not being honest from the start. I don’t say this now to be a martyr or a victim. I just felt I’d grown from that scared, selfish girl of years ago to a person who understands that truth is the better than a lie of any kind, even a lie to yourself.
We all owe it to ourselves to look inside internally before judging people. Can you, dear reader, look back at decisions made in your own life, with respect to others in that life like husbands, girlfriends, lovers, wives, and honestly say you’ve never made a decision selfishly without thought or care to how it would affect someone else until it was too late? Can you throw around words like honor and integrity and honestly say you’ve never made a mistake?
I’m not ready to make nice
I’m not ready to back down
I’m still mad as hell and
I don’t have time to go round and round and round
When I think about this friend now, knowing the truth about why she isn’t talking to me anymore, I go back and forth between sadness and anger. Denial and acceptance. I’m paying the price for my actions and I’m not surprised or even mad. I’ve also been judged without a word to me about the true nature of her anger, without a chance to defend myself. Not that I could. Not that I would even bother. I told her the truth and apologized without making excuses. I have nothing left to say and there is nothing I can do about the past.
It’s too late to make it right
I probably wouldn’t if I could
‘Cause I’m mad as hell
Can’t bring myself to do what it is you think I should
In the end, I owe her nothing. Not even my shame. It is mine to bear or get over if I so choose. And I choose forgiveness. No one is perfect. I refuse to dwell on a choice I made six years ago, in another life, as a different person. I will not spend my life attempting to make up for it. Nor will I allow myself to be treated poorly by the person I unwittingly hurt. Even if she has the right to be and stay mad, to not forgive, it is her own choice to make and live with.
I made my bed and I sleep like a baby
With no regrets and I don’t mind sayin’
I personally have no regrets.
1 Comment | All About Me, friends, human condition, loss | Tagged: betrayal, forgiveness, regret | Permalink
Posted by mmkeekah
If Only It Were That Simple
March 10, 2008This past weekend Jeff asked me if I missed my friend, the one who I had a falling out with last September. “Of course,” was my response. I miss her a lot.
Such a simple statement, such a simple problem and one that could be easily rectified by simply me picking up the phone – me calling and saying hi, how are you – maybe even saying, “hey I miss you, this is stupid.”
It sounds simple at any rate… and yet even now, almost six months later, I still can’t do it. It isn’t really pride that stops me – that went away several months ago with the hurt. It’s simply the feeling that I am a bad person because I wasn’t there when her boyfriend dumped her – because I didn’t drive immediately to her house and let her cry on my shoulder.
It sounds quite simply like I was an ass – and I suppose I was – it wasn’t my intention to leave her high and dry because, as she pointed out to me, when Jeff and I had a horrible fight one night and I called her, she left a party and came to my side and spent the entire weekend with me. And, as she pointed out, she did call into work when I was terrible ill in the emergency room at a local hospital and required emergency surgery. As she pointed out to me, twice in my life, she “dropped her whole life” to stand by me.
Given that – it does sound like I’m the huge ass. I even admit – I was an ass. I didn’t mean to be insensitive and appear uncaring because the truth is I adore this woman – more than anyone I’ve ever known. She said she considered me a sister – but to me she was more. Mostly because I didn’t have a sister. After seeing my friends who have sisters and the relationships they had with those sisters, I couldn’t compare my friend and our relationship to those sisterly pairings. I would have gone to the ends of the earth for her – and I won’t stoop now to comparing if/what I did during our time together to those two times she threw in my face so coldly in anger.
Because the truth is – I did fail her when she needed someone. I knew she was upset, but I guess I didn’t get how upset she was – because when I talked to her, she seemed sad but she seemed okay too. And she’d barely dated the guy just a few weeks, so I didn’t know the extent of her feelings. Maybe she downplayed it to me… maybe I wasn’t listening… or maybe I was tired. I’d had my own share of heartache and I was too wrapped up in it, and I guess I didn’t hear her pain. But she also didn’t share it. She didn’t call me and say, “hey I need you to come over and be with me” like I did when Jeff and I fought. She wasn’t lying doped up in a hospital, afraid of dying alone, barely remembering that she asked anyone to stay just in case.
See, the funny thing about me is – if I’m in pain – you know it. And if I need something from you, I ask for it. There is very little humility or hiding from me. I cry when I’m hurt, I yell when I’m mad, I laugh when I’m happy (which, if you know me, you know I laugh a lot). I don’t beat around the bush because, well to me, life is too damn short to pretend. Or to not ask for what you need, especially from people who love you.
I’m learning that not everyone is like me – again, such a simple thing to learn. Some people don’t ask when they need help – instead the expect you to know… just know… what they need. So where I failed my friend was in understanding that, when she called me that day, she needed me to come immediately over and be there for her. I wish I could do the whole thing over. But I can’t.
Nor can I forget what she said to me in email. I’m a simple girl – her words made me feel shame. I don’t like that feeling. So I don’t call.
For the very first time in my life, I wish I knew how to fix something which I didn’t even know was broke. I simply did not know that she was angry at me for not coming over that weekend her boyfriend just up and left without a note, a phone call, nothing. He called her eventually, and they got back together. I guess some things are easier to forgive than others. The anger I felt over her being unable to stop talking about my ex is over… although I admit it was a lot easier to get over that relationship by the simple fact I didn’t have to see her or hear about her from anyone. I certainly don’t regret that or even miss that aspect either.
But I do regret losing my friend. And for what it is worth now, I am sorry that I hurt her. It was never my intention.
If only it were that simple…
2 Comments | All About Me, friends, human condition, Truths | Permalink
Posted by mmkeekah
