an existential keekah

Life. It’s just one damn thing after another.

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Archive for the ‘human condition’ Category

A Moment of Fright

Posted by mmkeekah on December 23, 2008

As I stood outside in the cold waiting at the bus stop for J to pick me up, I catch a glimpse of figure moving out of the corner of my eyes. My senses tighten, alerting me that the movement is from a man just near the bench where the buses stop to let people off at the park n ride near my house. It is a man who exited the bus the same time as I did. My heart quickens a little as I realize we are the only two people left at the bus stop, and he is headed towards me. Discretely, I glance around the bus stop looking for people, a car, our car… even J.

Intellectually I realize the odds of being attacked by this man, here at this bus stop, are slim. Embarrassedly I realize I’m assuming a lot that this man here would want to attack me for any reason. Guiltly I realize how sad it is that I even consider this man here would hurt me in anyway when he doesn’t know me.

But I also read this story here about a woman who was just going home from work when she was viciously attacked by four men who didn’t really know her either. As I turn my glance to the approaching man, I don’t relax – not even slightly – but I do smile politely as he queries, “Excuse me? Do you know if this is where I catch the bus to go to…”

Even as I answer his question and point him in the direction I think he needs, I still don’t relax. And my thoughts are once again on that poor young woman… all the poor victims of senseless acts of violence. How can anyone do that to another human being?

Posted in All About Me, human condition, share | Leave a Comment »

He Said, He Said

Posted by mmkeekah on October 1, 2008

McCain speaking at the Truman Library and Museum in Missouri:  “Crises often have a way of revealing our better selves — of showing what we are made of, and how much we can achieve when we are put to the test. This is true as well of the grave challenges we face in Washington. Yet it should not require extreme emergencies — when the future of our entire economy is on the line — to bring out the best in us, or to bring us together in service to the common good,” McCain said.

Obama telling an audience in Wisconsin:  “I realize Americans are cynical and fed up with politics. I understand that you’re disappointed and even angry with your leaders. You have every right to be.  But despite all of this, I ask you to believe — believe in this country and your ability to change it,” Obama said.

What do you say?

Posted in Truths, human condition | Tagged: , , , | 1 Comment »

Just A Thought

Posted by mmkeekah on September 30, 2008

What if the world was ruled by damn dirty apes?

Posted in All About Me, funny, human condition | Tagged: , | 3 Comments »

Who Wants Palin?

Posted by mmkeekah on September 15, 2008

This is what disturbs me: Headline: In Palin, GOP sees chances with swing voters

Those “swing voters” as they are dubbed in this article, who right now are not focusing on what Palin would mean to Americans, but instead are attracted to her “down-to-earth, working mom” appeal.

Posted in All About Me, Truths, human condition | Tagged: , , , | Leave a Comment »

On The Wagon… Again

Posted by mmkeekah on September 15, 2008

Eh gahds… I’ve gone back on the diet and exercise wagon again… because my WAIST is getting bigger… again. It’s always shocking when your pants and skirts get tighter at the waist and you think to yourself, “no c’mon! I’m not eating that much.”

Until you start that diet (fine, fine way of life) and start writing down everything you put in your mouth and assigning point values to it. Ah Weight Watchers, that new way of life. Then you can’t deny that you are, in fact, eating that much. Every chip and every cookie (or in my case, every breakfast burrito and pasta dish) you want to eat suddenly represents another point that won’t be available to you for the rest of the week.

You start remembering what real hunger feels like, as the stretch between LUNCH and DINNER seems like days instead of hours. But then you realize that hunger feels better than the heartburn you get after gorging yourself. You recognize that feeling satiated after a normal-sized meal feels bettter than the stuffed feeling you get after overdosing on pasta or pizza or carnitas smothered in green chili.

Inside a battle begins – enjoyment of your not stuffed feeling over the taste of all your old familiars. You realize just what food obsession really means as you have fantasies over peanut butter kisses and fettuccini alfredo – Totino’s frozen combination pizzas and Cheetos – your favorite breakfast burritos with a side of refried beans. And even if you enjoy a daily salad with some kind of protein at lunch, you start to resent that salad and its meager offerings of grass and veggies. Even if it is good for you.

I remember one time I was listening to this annoying healthy chick from California talk about food, and she actually said, “I eat to live, not live to eat.” And I loathed her… felt deep dislike for her and her skinny, tanned body. I imagined her spiked and roasting over a fire… which is just not a healthy image to have. Cause you know its just this much too close to cannibilism.

So, right. Here I am. Trying to remember what it felt like to be thinner, healthier than I have ever felt in my life, which was about two and half years ago. I am trying to ignore those voices in my head that are saying, “You ate in moderation, it is a governmental conspiracy that has you gaining weight, not the Mexican food you crave daily. Mexican food is healthy!”

I try to ignore how yummy those freshly made chocolate frosted raised donuts look at my local grocery store. I even tell myself someday, SOMEDAY I will learn how to eat in moderation and keep eating in moderation, so I can eat whatever I want and not have to stick to certain foods like I have to do now.

Someday. (sigh)

Right now, I really want a chocolate-frosted donut.

Posted in All About Me, human condition | Tagged: , | 3 Comments »

The Lost Ones

Posted by mmkeekah on September 12, 2008

**We interrupt the regularly schedule Mon-Mon Fest 2008/birthday weekend for some political drivel that belongs somewhere else but had to be said cause Mon-Mon was pissed. Warning: this is long and probably has little bearing to the world in general since it is all her own opinions**

I never blog about politics. I hate politics. Occasionally, I will envy those who are so politically active for all the right reasons because I hate politics so much.

It’s just that I’m so disillusioned.

I am disillusioned by our country, disenchanted by our political system, and I have very little hope in my heart that people make decisions – really important, life-changing, for-the-people decisions – for the right reasons anymore.

On late night earlier this week, newly Americanized Craig Ferguson stood up to the American people in his monologue and chastised the media for reporting on this political campaign like it was a fashion show or an episode of 90210 (or for you young folk, like it was an episode of Gossip Girl). He demanded of the American people to stand up and vote by their conscience and not by their party’s manipulative approach to campaigning.

Silently inside, I was in awe of the man. He is quite literally one of the funniest people on TV, and his show is an irreverent tribute to the man himself. So for him to set aside his silly nature and spend even just a few minutes talking about this serious topic… well it’s amazing and shows his true character. Silently inside, I cheered him on.

But the skeptic in me said out loud to a room full of kitties and to Jeffery, “Too bad, Craig, no one will listen to you.” Because people won’t vote for the right candidate. They won’t vote for what is right for this country. They won’t even for what is right for the themselves.

People are too easily swayed by the media and bad campaign tactics to the point that we, as a people, rarely can think for ourselves. I mean, really who saw Sarah Palin coming? I didn’t. I almost admire the Republican Party for being so savvy, so knowing, of what button to push to sway not only their party back to them, but even some of the liberals as well. All it took was a pretty woman, a pair of glasses, and a touch of lipstick (pun intended, you damn conservatives). Wah-lah! And the Republican Party is back in the running.

Conveniently forgotten is the last eight years, especially the really bad last four years of an inept Republican run government. Need to wipe out the bad taste of really bad decisions? Ta-da, Sarah Palin to the rescue. Has anyone questioned, I mean really questioned, if she is capable of the handling the job? Of running our country? Has anyone even questioned what she stands for and if what she stands for meets the needs of this country? Anyone?

Let’s just for one minute consider this 2008 election BP (before Palin) – remember the Democratic party? Remember how excited we all were about the possibilities Obama represented before he chose Biden? The possibility of getting out of the mess the Republican party got us into? Remember? Remember Bush? Remember how we all came together in our dislike for the choices he made and what those choices have done to our country? REMEMBER?

But Obama did choose Biden. I remember being surprised when I heard he’d bypassed Hillary Clinton as a running mate. I even remember thinking, Obama, what are you doing? She was your sure thing! Until I gave it some more thought. Until I considered who Biden was and what he represented not only to Obama, but to the American people. Experience – that which Obama is lacking, and more importantly, Biden brings balance to the democratic ticket at a critical time when we really need it.  When I considered these points I thought – no I felt – that Obama made the right choice. He was doing the right thing for the American people. Hillary was the better choice to win the election, but Biden, well he was the better choice for the good of the country. And for the first time in any election, I felt inspired. Maybe they aren’t all just politic hacks, I thought.

Now listen. I know this sounds like I’m a Democrat (I think I may have even signed up with the Democratic party back in the day, which is a Wednesday, by the way). But I do not claim affiliation to any party because both sides of the fence are self-serving, hypocritical blowhards that make me wish I didn’t even know about politics to begin with. I am not a HUGE Obama supporter who thinks he should win at all costs. Because to win at all cost means the people, that is us Americans, lose out. Nope, believe it or not, I want the right candidate to win.

I haven’t really decided who that right candidate is – but I have to say straight up, I don’t think the American people know either. I’m almost to the point where I believe we should let any other country but ourselves decided the fate of this election. Honestly, I have absolutely no faith in my fellow Americans. Not my fellow American women, who would vote for a candidate simply because he chose a female as his running mate. Not for my fellow African Americans, who would vote for a candidate simply because of the color of his skin (and yeah, I mean you Oprah! Shame on you!). And not for my fellow white male Americans, who had decades upon decades to set a better example for all of America.

I will vote this fall. No doubt about it. But I am taking Craig’s heed to vote by my conscience; his call to vote for who would best serve this country, these people and myself. Or at least, I will vote for the one who will fuck up the least for another four years. And I will feel like I do every election, that my vote won’t make a damn bit of difference. We’ve lost our way, people. We’ve lost our way.

**We now return you to the regularly scheduled Mon-Mon Fest 2008/birthday weekend**

Posted in All About Me, Truths, human condition | Tagged: , , , , , , , , | 13 Comments »

Mirror, Mirror

Posted by mmkeekah on September 11, 2008

Actual outfit seen on 16th Street Mall Bus this morning:

Yellow Straw Hat

Long Leather Black Jack

White Pants

White Socks

Black Flip Flops with yellowish strap – the strap went between the toes!

Do people even own mirrors these days?

Posted in funny, human condition | Tagged: , | 4 Comments »

Sometimes We Run

Posted by mmkeekah on August 24, 2008

At the end of May, my love and I had a fight about, of all things, paying bills. I suppose all couples disagree from time to time over money and such, but the whole squabble just seemed so silly to me. I thought I was being rational but he didn’t see it my way. So he left to go shopping and presumably to get away from the argument. But he returned just moments later to announce he wanted to break up. Needless to say, I was less than enthusiastic about this major decision he had made. We spent the next few days in turmoil as we both worked through the aftermath of this announcement.

Now, we all handle stresses in life differently. I suppose there could be arguments back and forth about the best way to handle things in your life versus bad ways, but in the heat of the moment when emotions are running high, sometimes you default to the only way you personally know how to deal with those stresses.

In May, I lost my 46 year old brother to a long illness. In addition to that, my love lost a friend, who was also in his forties, to a heart attack. These were heavy, deep losses for both us – and a reminder to him of how fragile life is – how easy it can slip away. Add on top of that the relationship we both tried with our ex-girlfriend – how much time and effort was put into, all the compromises made and all the horrible times that overshadow any good times we shared during the relationship. It can make a man wonder about the choices he made in his life – to wonder if he’d made the right ones and been true to himself – especially in the middle of a stupid, inconsequential fight about money.

In the end, we didn’t break up. He explained to me his frame of mind at the time, and I tried to understand where he was coming from at that moment. During the explanation, other issues came up from him, including the fact that he was feeling stifled. He felt he couldn’t explore outside relationships, without me, based on what had occurred with our ex-girlfriend and also based on some of my responses to interests he’d had in other women after the dissolution of the triad. I can’t pretend I wasn’t devastated by his choice to break up rather than talk through these issues with me, even though he rescinded his break up request. But I have to admit, there was truth to what he said. While I’d never openly said I didn’t want him to date others without me, I wasn’t ever really supportive when he expressed interest. Because I was scared; I was scared of the unknown.

The initiation of this break up was exactly what we both needed. It took me more than a few months to see it this way. As I said, I was hurt by his choice. But, knowing who he is and loving every part that makes up him, I can see why he felt cornered. And even though his head was telling him to leave, his heart reminded him of what we had together, what we had achieved together, and in the end, he couldn’t leave.

Maybe other people wouldn’t see it that way but I do. He loved me enough to stay and talk out his fears based on all our losses, including the ex-girlfriend and that whole traumatic, messy, unnecessary experience that was she. He loved me enough to admit what he needed and have faith that I would work through my fears. And I love him enough to let go of my ego, work through my own issues, and have faith in our love.

We just celebrated our four year anniversary on August 2nd. I marvel at how little time that really is and how much has transpired in those four years. I know nothing in this life has guarantees. I know a truly committed relationship takes work to sustain it during the rough patches. And I even admit it is entirely possible that my relationship with my love won’t last a lifetime. But I’m betting on the odds that we have what it takes to make it in the long-term.

Posted in boyfriend, human condition, polyamory, relationships | Tagged: , , , | Leave a Comment »

Where Do You Find the Time

Posted by mmkeekah on August 18, 2008

It’s not that I don’t want to blog…

It’s the time fairies… they’ve stolen all my time.

I have all these great ideas for blogs….

Like the one I have for the song “I Kissed A Girl” by Katie Perry. It’s a good one…

Or the my new Thursday 13 blog – oooo it’s good!

And of course I have a few poly-centered blogs to write…

See! I’ve got ideas. It’s just the time…

Blah. Maybe tonight.

Posted in All About Me, human condition | Tagged: | Leave a Comment »

Having Your Cake

Posted by mmkeekah on August 4, 2008

Great quote:

“The key to having it all is to stop expecting it to look like what you thought it was going to look like.”

Posted in Truths, human condition | Tagged: | 1 Comment »