Actual IM conversation:
Me: The girls came back to the house after dinner last night to hang out with me. That was way cool.
Him: Those kids love us.
Me: Yeah, they came back to the house after dinner just to check out the house and stayed til after 10pm.
Him: Did you all get topless and rub boobies? Cause that’s how I’m gonna remember it.
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Posted by mmkeekah
This is National Novel Writing Month (also known as NaNoWriMo)… what’s in your mind?
I’ve never attempted this feat before because frankly I’ve always thought I lacked the dedication ability to follow through attention span one must have to write a novel. I’ve always done much better with short stories and writing about my personal life.
But what the heck… all it requires is one month of my time about about 50,000 words. And if I don’t finish, well then you know, so what?
While I’m writing, I thought I might swing by here and let you know how it goes. Updates, if you will. My first update is I’ve picked a plot, and I’ve outlined it of sorts (okay its all in my head but at least its a start!)
Maybe you will get a novel out of me after all.
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Posted by mmkeekah
I think it’s interesting how, in life, so many of us choose the same road to follow day after day after day. There is simplicity in following the same path in order to get from point A to point B. We find comfort in mechanically following the same direction as we go about our lives.
This was on my mind one day last semester as I left my college campus. I attend the local state college, Metro. I took a morning class that met at 7 a.m. and was in the Administration building at the corner of Fifth Street and Larimer Street. Once the class was over, I usually went straight to work. I always took the same way from school to work, traversing fifth street to Walnut Street, then seventh street to Auraria Parkway and into downtown. Downtown itself is a twisty maze of streets that can leave even a native lost.
But this one day, I needed to head home instead of downtown. I found myself at the corner of Fifth and Walnut contemplating my path. I certainly could turn right onto Walnut, making my way to Auraria Parkway and then Speer Boulevard and eventually I-25 north to my home. But I found my gaze wandering to the left side and saw how Walnut seem to meander underneath I-25. I found myself curious as to where the street went, if it were possible to get to I-25 north another way.
Without hesitation, I turned left, eager to find out exactly where this path traveled. At first, Walnut seemed as any other street and I wondered if I would be disappointed. But as I traveled under I-25, Walnut began to veer right and then left unexpectedly. I approached a crossing street and considered turning, but soon realized that might not be a wise choice as it seemed to be a deadend. Walnut continued on and veered yet again to the right and I saw a sign regarding I-25.
However, once I approached the sign, it proved to be interesting to decipher. Without much time to take in the sign, all I got from it was a reference to I-25 south, which was the opposite direction of my path. I moved on in hopes there was another highway entrance that would take me north. I soon reached another cross road, which seemed to say it was Colfax Ave. This befuddled me even more as I seemed nowhere near the Colfax Avenue I was familiar with; however, I could no longer continue on Walnut as it seemed to end when it connected with this new Colfax Avenue and my choice was either left or right.
I pondered turning left because I knew Federal Avenue was close – mayhap this new Colfax would take me to the safety of Federal and a street I knew so well. But once again my gaze traveled a different, unknown direction and I found myself turning right. Onto a road that was unfamiliar but strangely familiar all at once. I was close to what I remember as Mile High Stadium and a sense of deja vu crept up around me as I steered my car around the turns of the road.
I now saw the name of the road I traveled on was Mile High Stadium Circle and I felt relief at knowing I kind of knew where I was and yet it was unfamiliar enough that I also felt a strange excitement. The feelings of familiarity mixed with the sense of deja vu was such an invigorating experience. I then approached a stop sign. As I paused my vehicle at the sign, I glanced to the right, wondering if that was the right way to go.
As I looked down this road, I was suddenly hit with an intense wave of nostalgia as I realized I had been on this road more than once. As a child, my father would often take us to the games at Mile High Stadium. This road I was looking down was one that would take us onto I-25 north and on our way home.
I would watch my father drive from the passenger seat and admire his long, strong forearms as they steered the car around the tight curves of this road. I would imagine the power underneath his hands and how much control was required to use the wheel to steer this ton of metal. I would marvel at his finesse and wonder if I would one day, too, have that same ability. To so confidently manage a large vehicle like I imagined my father’s car to be.
I sat there in that present, for a moment lost in that past. The feeling of nostalgia swam around me in the air of my little shark and I basked in its presence. I felt a lump work its way up in my throat as I thought of my father. I then swallowed that lump as I turned right. I took each turn as I thought my father would do, remembering him each mile that I passed.
Two roads diverged in my path that day, and I – well I took the one less traveled by. And it made all the difference.*
*phrasephrased from the poem, The Road Not Taken, by Robert Frost
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Posted by mmkeekah
Last week, my friend The Beautiful Kind, sent me a Facebook invitation to join in on an event called No Make Up Week. It was the creation of this woman who wanted to challenge women to go a week without make up and face their inner demons about showing their bare faces to the world.
On a whim, I decided to join in and accepted the invite. I didn’t give it a whole lot of thought. It didn’t seem particularly hard to go without make-up. I’ve never been one to wear a lot of make up, especially during the week. I do always wear a tinted moisturizer (with SPF 60 sunblock, of course), some powder, and a little blush. If If I’m in the mood, I might add in a little eyeliner and mascara, but I usually reserve that and eye shadow (which I’ve just started experimenting with again) for the weekend.
So it didn’t seem particularly hard to go without make up for a week. The first day I actually enjoyed just applying my sunblock and going on about my business. It was refreshing to have back the time I used for make up to spend with my bird, Niki, instead. But as the week wore on, I found the freshness of that wore off. I missed my little routine of applying my make up.
I missed looking in the mirror at work or at home and seeing the color on my face. I actually think I look pretty good without make up. But with make up, I think I look fabulous! I have to admit I think that of most women. I like to watch that show What Not To Wear and my favorite part of the show is the hair and make up transformations. I love to see women who never liked wearing make up realizing how beautiful they are inside and out after the transformation. It’s not that I feel women need make up to *be* beautiful… but I think it enhances our beauty, when applied correctly.
The whole purpose of this No Make Up week experiment was to show women that you can go without makeup and still have natural beauty. I knew that about myself anyway. But now I know that I choose to wear make up, not because I am ashamed of how I look or because I’m insecure of how the world sees me. No, I wear make up because I love it.
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Posted by mmkeekah
For a while now, my cousin, Kiko, and I have shared dialogue about polyamory and open relationships. I so enjoy these conversations, because, while we rarely agree, we are always respectful with each other about our opinions. I think I also enjoy it because, like me, he is seeking to understand something that is unfamiliar to him. My whole life I have struggled with understanding relationships and understand people’s behavior while in relationships.
When I was in high school, I was continually amazed by my friends and their ability to declare undying love to one guy, then break up with him one day and be dating an entirely different guy the next day, who was of course their soul mate. It was confusing to me how transient and transferable their love was depending on their mood or the day. I never felt that way about anyone when I was a teenager. Though I daydreamed about finding my one true love, I never found it while traversing the hallways of my high school.
So I’ve never understood love – what it means, how people fall in love and stay in love with only one person. I’ve loved, don’t get me wrong. I meant society’s definition of love – it’s always flummoxed me.
I got married way too young – I’ll be the first to admit it… now. So right off the bat my first serious relationship was already seriously flawed because I gave in to impulse and said yes when I should’ve said no. And then add on top of that my seriously flawed new husband (who is now an ex-husband) who saw nothing wrong with demanding loyalty and fidelity from me while philandering around with just about anyone who would give him the time of day.
At one point in our marriage, my ex asked me if I would ever consider swinging. I’m sure the appropriate response would’ve been extreme horror. But, of course, I was curious. At this point, he was my first and only lover, I’d never explored my bisexual side and natural attraction to women, nor had I really looked at another man because, frankly, my ex was an extremely jealous man. (It figures he was the jealous one when he was the only one screwing around at that point.) I was intrigued at this idea of mate swapping.
Though I was relatively innocent when this topic was introduced, I admit I was quite familiar with the “deviant” side of sex. I, after all, was raised during my teenage years by my brothers. Porn was something I was familiar with, as well as the adult magazines. I enjoyed reading erotica, especially if it had a less-than-normal slant to it. I even admit to fantasizing about sexual experiences with multiple partners and my favorite porn scenes included girl on girl action.
Too much information? Hee… Well, it’s out there now. I’ve always been a sexually curious girly girl with a pretty impressive imagination. So now I was being presented with the possibility of sharing with my “one true love” what had up until then merely been fantasies. So yes, I was interested. Alas it wasn’t meant to be. My ex immediately shot down the idea and treated me poorly for admitting an interest.
What does all this have to do with the conversation with my cousin? One time, Kiko and I were discussing the theory of Inner Child. Or rather he was telling me about his research on the concept. In turn, he wondered if the loss of my parents and my subsequent childhood played a part in my attraction to polyamory. Was I looking to recreate the love I lost during that time, attempting to recreate it by having two partners who loved me? Was my inner child begging for love in order to finally be healed?
What an interesting concept and not one I can readily dispute. I think everything I’ve experienced and learned has shaped this fascinating woman whose words you now read. Not just the loss of my parents but certainly the love they gave me before they died. The lessons they taught me about honoring them, honoring elders in general, having respect for those outside myself – they all contribute. As well as the experiences I had with my brothers, with my friends, at school, in life – they all played a part in my seeking out something like polyamory.
Even now, when I am beginning to understand that polyamory is just another concept like monogamy, with its own inherent flaws that go along with this beautiful idea of love and relating to and with others. It is because of who I am and what I’ve experienced that I can take something like polyamory and learn even more about myself.
I’m still not really sure about people and relationships and what motivates people to behave as they do when in love. But I’m even more certain of myself and how I choose to behave in relationships. I’m sure I will continue to discover new and exciting things about myself as I continue on in my life’s journey.
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Posted by mmkeekah
Actual conversation:
Me: Thanks for always taking care of me.
Him: Uh huh
Me: I feel kind of special knowing you do this for me and you didn’t do it in other relationships.
Him: It’s 40% necessity.
Me: What do you mean?
Him: I don’t want to you to die.
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Posted by mmkeekah
Actual conversation at breakfast:
Him: I was watching this porno where this couple was doing it doggie-style but the woman was doing all the work.
Me: I think we saw that together. It sounds familiar.
Him: Yeah, it does sound familiar.
Me: (laughing) How can it not sound familiar to you? You just said it.
Him: Did I just say that?
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Posted by mmkeekah
So I have something else to admit… and this one is gonna shock you.
Sometimes I want a baby. It’s crazy and irrational, I know. Yet sometimes the urge is so strong, I can actually smell that sweet baby smell of formula mixed with innocence and I swear my ovaries practically ovulate right then and there.
Sometimes it occurs after I’ve spent a day with someone who has a baby. I see that tiny little body, wrapped up tightly in those cute little blankets or onesies and my heart just melts. I always sniff the baby’s head and get drunk on the yummyness that exudes from their pores.
Sometimes it happens when I look at J and I’m overwhelmed with the passion and love that I feel for this man. I look at his handsome face, his gorgeous eyes, that smile and just want to make a baby with him. I think maybe, just maybe we’d make a gorgeous baby that was the best of both of us.
I know me too well though. Even when this urge is overpowering, when the want makes my heart ache with what could be… I’m conscious of the fact it is just a temporary, fleeting want.
Because I honestly would never want to give up the life I have now. The carefree, do as I want, go where I please, stay up ’til all hours of the night/day existence I have now. I’m selfish and I love it!
I may want a baby. But I know, KNOW I don’t want kids. Ugh. They are forever. They never leave. You always feel responsible for them. When you are a parent you owe it to your kids to put them first. I couldn’t even play Barnie for my friend’s kids or even my own niece and nephews. They listened to what I wanted and if their parents didn’t like it, then they learned to not let me watch their children. Heh.
The urge always passes, sanity returns, and I move on with my life.
But sometimes, oh always… I just revel in my urge.
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Posted by mmkeekah
Actual conversation:
Him: I was thinking how calm I’ve been lately.
Me: Oh?
Him: broken garage window, broken drum, broken speaker…
Me: (remaining quiet)
Him: You’re a Princess in a china shop!
Me: (laughs out loud)
Me: (after a small pause) I think it’s because you realize it’s all your fault.
Him: I do. I accept full responsibility.
Me: I wouldn’t leave me unattended at home if I was you.
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Posted by mmkeekah
Dear Mom and Dad,
I can’t believe another year is gone. It has been 24 years since you died and so much has happened that you’ve missed.
Since you’ve been gone, four of your grandchildren were born and grew up. Your oldest, Nicholas, is now married and lives in Avon, CO. He is a responsible and disciplined boy, quiet and reserved but with the same sweet smile that used to bring you both such joy. His brother, Matthew, was born just a few months after the accident. How you both were so looking forward to his arrival. He doesn’t let you down either. Matthew has the biggest heart of all the Medinas and I”m pretty sure if you were here, he’d be mowing your lawn as we speak. Your niece, Miranda, is next in age and what a beauty she turned out to be. Every time I see her picture I see you, mommy. The last one to come around is JJ and he was raised a Medina and you can tell, oh yes you can.
Since you’ve been gone, the family scattered a little but then recently has gotten closer again. The family now meets once a month for breakfast, and I keep hoping more people will join each month. I won’t give up! because I know, if you were both here, this family would be there come hell or high water.
Since you’ve been gone, your oldest son, Richard, passed away. The many years before his passing were sad ones, and he was pretty much all alone because of the choices he made in his life. But I can proudly report to you that he left this world at peace with the past and with the love and support of his brother and sister. We all did right by him in the end and I think you’d be proud of our ability to mend old rifts.
Your other son, Joe, has divorced and is moving on with his life. He’s a bit of a workaholic – the family doesn’t see him much. He raised some fine children though. His legacy will carry on. Not only in their genes but also in the love these children have for their father.
Mom, your brothers and sisters remain close and think of you often. All of them still live relatively close to each other. They’ve kept the family home in Costilla. Every year your brothers visit the home town and pay respect to you and dad on Memorial day. Unlce Louie keeps your grave clean.
Their kids have also married and had children. I keep close contact with Uncle Frank’s kids, since we are so close in age and grew up practically as brothers and sister. Chris, or Kiko as we still call him, is married to a beautiful and firey red-head, Mandie, who is just perfect for him. Together they have one girl, Madison, a lovely little girl. Adam, Kiko’s brother, is all growed up and the college graduate of the family and a lawyer to boot. Mom, dad if you know the trouble this boy caused as teenager! And now he’s a lawyer. He has two children of his own, Lauren and AJ. And Keithy-boy, well he married the greatest woman ever (shout out to Hillary) and is the luckiest son of a gun for it. Keith is also our heart of this family, though he is pretty quiet about it.
And then there is me. I’m a good egg, mommy and daddy. I work hard, pay my taxes, follow the rules (mostly) and I love as hard as I work. I met a good man who makes an excellent partner, and we’ve carved out a life together that brings me such joy and happiness. I love my family and friends and I’m truly happy. Not all the time, but then who is… what I learned about life is you take the good with the bad, the hard times with the fun times. It is what you make it and I intend to make it the best. I miss you both so much but I’m blessed. Know that much about me.
So much you’ve missed and so much we’ve missed without you. I couldn’t let another year go by without letting you know.
With love and respect,
your daughter, Mon-Mon
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Posted by mmkeekah
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