Dear mom,
So I guess it could go without saying that I miss you. But I will say it again, I miss you. Sometimes I wonder if I miss the idea of you or the actual you. So much time has passed I’m not sure I could discern between the reality of you and the idea of you I have in my mind. All that is real to me anymore is the feeling of missing you.
Sometimes when I’m really sad, I mentally cry out to you. A wordless expression of pain and sorrow that you are not here – you are physically unpresent in my life. Sometimes when I’m really happy, I mentally cry out to you. A wordless expression of regret and loss that you aren’t here to share in whatever is bringing me happiness. Sometimes when I have no feelings at all, even then I cry out to you. My mom. The person who is not in my life anymore.
I cannot even describe what the loss of you is like. There is not a comparison that is comprehensible, at least not to me. It is an aching massive void right in the center of what makes me who I am. This massive void is the legacy you’ve left me. Unintentional though it was, your final gift to me was this void. It follows me where ever I go, always present and always reminding me of what I don’t have. You.
Sometimes I just want my mom. I just want you here. Sometimes I get so mad that you aren’t here. That you left. Which is silly because it wasn’t as if you had a choice. But still, I blame you. And that makes me sad even more.
I wonder constantly what our relationship would be like. Would you know me, the real me? Or would I try to hide who I was in fear that you wouldn’t, couldn’t accept me for who I am, warts and all? Would I feel sadness at our inability to really see each other, to be present for each other? Would that sadness feel as significant and inconsolable as not having you here now? Who were you really? Did anyone know you truly or were you like most people, hiding behind a facade of societal norms and polite etiquette?
I will never know the answers to these questions and yet they are another part of the legacy you left me. A lifetime of sadness filled with unanswerable questions. These are the thoughts I have on this Mother’s Day. Another one where I am left with just a handful of memories of Mother’s days past.
Happy Mother’s Day.
Love,
Your daughter
