In response to a comment in my last post, I didn’t mean to malign my former friend in anyway, shape or form. My honor comment was not an attack on her character or choices. I wasn’t questioning her honor because that implies I have the right to pass judgement on her. Something I think we as a society do way too carelessly. My comment was directed specifically on the action of not forgiving someone for an act or action based on this archiac and damaging belief that the offender doesn’t deserve forgiveness.
Forgiveness benefits the giver and the receiver if handled correctly. To refuse to forgive someone for any reason damages more than just the person who caused the offense. Refusing to forgive creates anger and bitterness in a person that carries over into all aspects of that person’s life. They may use it as an excuse or reason to not trust anyone every again, which is soul destroying. Soul destroying to the person refusing to forgive.
Perhaps some would argue that this is the result of the person being betrayed and the person who betrayed them is at fault or responsible. But that is simply not true. The only one responsible for a person’s emotions is the persons themselves. They can choose to hold on to the anger and hurt and feel justified in being bitter about the betrayal. Or they can deal with their emotions head on and find someway to forgive and move on. I’m not suggesting they have to move on with the person who betrayed them. But holding onto anger, hurt and bitterness over a sense of pride hurts the person doing the holding on the most. The definition of honor is high respect or personal integrity. And I don’t see a lot of honor in holding onto past anger, hurt and bitterness and a refusal to find forgiveness in your heart. In that act, all I find is an unwillingness to confront personal demons and an unwillingness to learn and grow from life’s examples.
Even more, forgiveness is a spiritual process that allows a person to let go of resentment, indignation or anger against another for an offense or mistake. It is a gift that gives the most benefit to the person giving it. It is something a person does for themselves. It isn’t complicated or even difficult. It is a simple, soulful act that imagines a better future and the possibility that the hurt and pain caused by the betrayal will not be the final word on the matter. It builds confidence that a person can survive the pain and come out a better person.
Finally forgiveness acknowledges the humanity each of us has. It acknowledges the fact we all make mistakes, we all fall down sometimes and it isn’t the end of the world. It offers hope they we all can learn from the mistakes made and grow from it. Forgiveness is not about condoning bad behavior or even about admitting right from wrong. It’s about letting go of bad feelings and the power we give those bad feelings over our soul. It’s about putting the past exactly where it belongs – in the past. Forgiveness, to me, is a matter of personal integrity.
I realize people can question my own personal integrity given the fact I chose to sleep with my best friend’s husband almost 10 years ago. One might ask, where the heck was your personal integrity then? And it’s a valid question. My personal integrity was severely lacking that night. I betrayed myself as much as my friend that night.
But two wrongs do not make a right.
I realize forgiveness is also not about remaining friends necessarily. I admit I don’t have the right to ask for either forgiveness or remaining friends. But that doesn’t stop my heart for wanting both.
Mon,
Many years ago I took a class in college called Personal Adjustment. In that class we worked through a workbook of the same name (you can buy it on Amazon). It was amazing. One of the activities in the class was to write a “forgiveness letter.” You had to choose someone who had wronged you, and write them a letter forgiving them of what they did. You did not have to send that person the letter, you simply had to write it.
I chose to write the letter to my ex husband. As I started to write, the words just flowed. I wrote about how much pain my husband had caused me; I felt the pain bubble up inside. Then I wrote that I realized that he didn’t know how much pain he caused, he had no way of knowing because I never really told him. I also wrote that I now believed that his behavior ultimately caused him more pain than it did me — because in the end he lost his wife and children to that behavior. Me? I just had my feelings hurt. And now that he was gone, he couldn’t hurt me anymore. I felt my resentment, my anger towards him lift. I felt myself forgive him. And all the bitterness that was pent up inside me over what my ex husband did simply and forever disappeared.
I am a strong believer that the energy we expend in the world is revisited upon us. I was sending out hatred and anger toward that man, and after I wrote the letter (which I never sent), the hatred and anger stopped. It was replaced with understanding, forgiveness, and basically nothing – I quit thinking about the man. And because I quit thinking about him, all the space that was formerly taken up by negative feelings made way for positive feelings, for happiness in a new relationship, for feelings of self-worth and hopes for a good future for me and my children.
Ironically, a short time after I wrote the letter — within a few months — my ex showed up on my doorstep to talk. He told me that he was deeply sorry for the pain that he had caused me. He was enrolled in a 12-step program, and he had to apologize as one of his steps. But he said he wasn’t doing it because he had to — he was doing it because the act of reflecting on his behavior made him realize how much he had hurt me, a realization he never had before.
I just smiled and said, it’s all right. I forgave you a while ago. He was stunned. He was expecting me to cry, to yell, to be angry (like I had been in all of our other interactions).
The universe returned to me the energy I was putting out. My ex and I have been friends ever since. We have raised our kids together, as friends. We’ll never be lovers or companions again, but I am happy and proud to call him my friend.
I totally believe and get what you’re saying, Mon.
Thanks, Heidi. I think it’s a testament to your character and strength that you were able to listen to your ex AND forgive him. And to quote something you told me once about my brother, what a gift you gave him and yourself.
You are so right about the universe returning the energy you put out. I think being able to forgive is an act of courage and strength.