Desperately Seeking Forgiveness
Posted by mmkeekah on September 26, 2009
Someone very close to me did a bad thing a long time ago. She cheated on her husband with my ex-husband… and the results produced a child. She came clean to her husband, they worked through it, she had the child and her husband raised the child as his own.
I found out about it last year for the first time.
It’s funny – because you know, I slept with my best friend’s husband when they were still married and kept it secret for five years – before telling her and eventually losing the dearest friend I ever had in my life. So I had a unique perspective on the whole situation when I found about this friend and her indiscretion. Plus, it helps that I’m not with my ex AND I don’t like him all that much. His actions didn’t surprise me.
If I’m honest, my friend’s actions didn’t surprise me either. Not because she is anything like my ex-husband – not at all. I know she didn’t deliberately do this act out of malice, out of spite or anything like that at all. She is a good person – warm-hearted, loving, a great mother and a good friend.
How can I say that when I now know what she did to her husband, and I guess in some way, to me? Because I can see that she didn’t do this to me. This wasn’t about me. This wasn’t even about her husband. This was about my friend and her circumstances at the time. Sometimes people make bad decisions and end up living with the results for the rest of their lives.
I guess I can’t be mad at my friend because I am her in some ways. I guess I can’t be mad at my friend because I know the pain and guilt she is living with every day. I guess I can’t be mad at my friend because she did this to herself.
I know that now – from personal experience.
I found out last year but she and I just talked about it last night, at her insistence. I was quite content to live with the knowledge, be her friend and let it go. But she wanted to talk about it – no – she needed to talk about it. She had to let me know she didn’t do it on purpose, didn’t do it to hurt me or even her husband (now an ex-husband, by the way).
I understand.
Sometimes you just need to talk it all out – to admit what you did to someone besides yourself. I didn’t offer her forgiveness because there was nothing to forgive from my perspective. But maybe she can finally forgive herself. It might make it easier to live with. If she figures out how to do that, I hope she shares her secret.
Ken Kendall said
I am always so amazed at how authentic, real and honest people can be on their blogs. It is like a movie, what you all have been through but it really is just life. We all have crazy things that we have done or been a part of. It just seems like it’s only us because no one tell the true story.
I write a blog and am always afraid of how much I can really say without hurting people I love. My blog is meant to help people. Specifically married people. More specifically husbands. If you have a chance, take a look.
http://whatsheneedsfromyou.wordpress.com
Thanks for being so honest.
mmkeekah said
Thanks for reading my post, Ken. If you knew anyone who knew me, or if you knew me (grin), you’d know I’m pretty authentic in real life as well. I just tell it like it is from my perspective. I guess I think people care what I think…lol.
I worry too about sharing someone’s story on here… I kind of feel its really not my place. And yet, sometimes my heart won’t leave me alone until I write it out. I hope I never hurt anyone I care about it… and yet I have to remain true to myself as well. Most of the time I hope the universe will make it work out so that someone – anyone – will hear the true intent of the message behind the story…
Did you hear it?
Take care and I will visit your blog…
Penny Karma said
Oooh, girl. I recently had a similar bombshell dropped on me. I discovered that my husband had slept with my best friend many years ago and I didn’t find out until I found an email in which my husband confessed it to his current girlfriend. There’s an unbelievable amount of backstory, too. I’m debating whether or not to blog about it. I’m not innocent, he busted me in an affair shortly before this incident, but for the last eight years he’s insisted that he’s never been with anyone but me, and he led me to believe that I was the only one who didn’t deserve to be trusted. He and I are still together, but trust continues to be a struggle.
The other girl wrote me a note asking me to call her and talk about it, but I said no. I wrote a very cathartic email telling her that she had destroyed my life. It felt fantastic to spell out exactly how awful it was to find out about it. But reading your post about how it wasn’t really about hurting Me, made me feel a little like forgiving her… someday, but not today.