I’ll let you in on a little secret about me. See, I’m a hedonist.
No, you didn’t know that… the truth is I’ve rarely been good at recognizing the joys in delaying pleasure of any kind. I can’t see the long road – I tend to want to deal in the here and now and not think of the future. Many a time I’ve jumped the gun because, in the moment, I wanted what I wanted and didn’t want to face the repercussions of my actions until after I’d obtained whatever happiness I could from that moment.
For as long as I can remember, this has been true.
When I was a kid, I talked my best friend into eating an entire bag of Oreo cookies with me. It was bliss.
I got married three days after my now ex-husband proposed (while we were in bed mind you) and one month after we started dating. I was giddy on new love.
Heck, even my foray into cheating was in the heat of the moment, when I refused to acknowledge that my actions were going to have significant and life-altering affects on my life and those I held dear just so I could satisfy a need to get-off and a need to feel wanted. Sad, indeed.
My point is – I sometimes have a hard time saying no to myself. It’s still frustratingly true to this day.
Oh, I’ve learned from my past mistakes. I don’t cheat and lie anymore – I found an open relationship with a man who is willing to talk through the finer points of our wants in order to achieve satisfaction in that aspect of our lives. And rather than indulge in the married lifestyle, my partner and I found a legal way to entrust our lives into the others hands – by creating wills (that’s right – I get his money!)
But I still want to eat all the Oreos in the bag – even knowing I will feel sick afterward – both physically and emotionally. I struggle every day fighting this urge. It’s stressful and depressing at times, knowing I will spend my life fighting with myself over food.
It’s especially hard now because I want to eat well – I want to feel good about my control over myself – I WANT to lose weight and look great. And yet this one facet of my personality, at times, is my undoing.
Fight the good fight, right?
(sigh) Someday, oh someday, I will succeed…
