The day my brother died was surreal for me because I was suddenly put in a place of acting adult. I was the one people were looking to for answers on what needed to be done. I think at some point I was on automatic, barely acknowledging my own feelings as I took charge and got things done.
When my parents died, I remember how hard it was listening to all the condolences and sympathy from other people. I think maybe it was because I couldn’t grasp they were really gone. I couldn’t grasp what death meant, couldn’t fathom the foreverness of it all. I think also I didn’t want to acknowledge everyone’s sentiments because then it meant I had to acknowledge their deaths. It took me years, maybe even decades, to be comfortable with telling new people I met that my parents were gone.
With my brother’s death, the condolences weren’t as difficult. Yet, I still couldn’t grasp what they meant, how I should feel, and what I should say in return. It wasn’t that I didn’t appreciate what was said, it just didn’t elicit an emotional response. I felt badly about that fact, even as I accepted the sentiments. Shouldn’t I feel something?
The night of my brother’s death, J came out to meet me at my brother’s place of residence. We all waited together for the coroner to complete her assessment. He didn’t have much to say, and I loved him fiercely for this because I didn’t know what to say either. After the coroner left, we gathered my sister-in-law’s items and took her home with us to get some rest.
As J and I lay in bed that night, he held me close without any words. The comfort of his arms spoke to me and I was finally able to let myself cry.
“Are you crying for your brother?” J queried and I simply nodded. At last, I was able to acknowledge my own feeling of sadness. I cried for my brother. I cried for the pain and suffering I knew he endured at the end. I also cried for the loss of the man he was or could’ve been. I cried for my own loss of a brother I barely knew but still loved deeply. I’m not really sure what all I cried for. I just knew in J’s arms I could seek and I could find the solace I needed.
