Well I’m no longer dating N. Actually it’s been a couple of months since we decided mutually to end the relationship and try friendship. We were doing pretty good and just recently hit a snag. I wish I could explain what happened, but I don’t really think I can. I think it had to with expectations from both our sides that were misplaced or misunderstood or just missed – period, end of sentence.
I know that N has read this blog and read in detail what I wrote about K, my last girlfriend, and I’m pretty sure all that baggage really didn’t help our relationship any. I feel N always worried I would view her in the same light as K. Which to me is ridiculous because K is K and N is N. I wouldn’t paint a person with a different person’s color and I feel I treated N as N should be treated in spite or or maybe even because of my experience with K.
So where does that leave me? In regards to N – at peace. I gave my all in that relationship and I have no regrets. It didn’t work out.
With poly – well, I have to admit, I’m starting to have my doubts. I still truly believe it is possible to love more than one person at a time and that it can be a positive experience for all… with the right people. I’m just starting to doubt that I can find the right people. I think my picker is broken.
I’ve kind of lost faith that there are someones out there who can understand and grasp how to have a healthy relationship. In my past, I’ve dealt with dishonesty, cheating, lying and people saying they want to be with me when they don’t and people who say they don’t want to be with me but then acting like they want to be with me. All that stuff is confusing. I’d like to think that stuff isn’t the norm but its what I’ve experienced. People who say one thing and do the opposite just seems to be a standard of the type of folks I get involved with and I have to wonder what that says about me. Why am I drawn in and suckered by these folks? What is it about that situation that keeps drawing me back, I wonder?
So I guess I have some internal exploring to do. I know I can have a healthy relationship – one that grows and evolves along with the two people in it. J and I haven’t always had it perfect, we haven’t always seen eye to eye, we’ve even hurt each other. And yet, we learn from each experience and continue to consider each other as we grow. I’m happy with where we are and where we continue to go.
I’ll take each step one at a time and see where life leads me. And I’m going to focus a little less on the poly aspect of my life and just let it be what it is. I’m not turning my back on poly but I am accepting that maybe my life is bigger than poly and it isn’t the only thing I need in my life.
Posted by mmkeekah 
