She Said Her Name Was Susan
Posted by mmkeekah on April 6, 2009
Jeff and I were driving towards the border between Mexico and California in a rental car. We were in Calexico, California visiting my niece, who’d moved to Calexico to live with her boyfriend. We’d decided to see just how close my niece lived to the border, which turns out to be pretty damn close.
As Jeff swung the car around to head back towards my niece’s house, we drove past a little shop called Suzy. A big smile crossed my fact and I said to Jeff, “Hey look at that shop! My mom went by the name Suzie at times.”
The smile slowly faded from my face and my heart ached just a little as I thought of the names my mom used in her life. And I thought of how I never got to use those name with her. How much I missed out on because she died when I was so young. And I once again I thought of all she never got to know about my beautiful, grown-up, living-with-her-boyfriend niece.
My eyes grew hot as unshed tears shined from behind them. I was struck at how odd it was that something so inconsequential as the name of a tiny store in the border town of Calexico could bring home the reminder that my parents are gone forever. How it could remind me so sharply of all that I lost and all that was lost to those in my family.
I also thought of how far I’d come in dealing with my grief and how none of that mattered when something like this happened. How much I was still that little orphan girl who was left behind in the aftermath of a deadly accident. I keep trying to leave that little orphan behind, to move on, to not hurt. But sometimes we just can’t turn our backs on our hurts. Instead we have to turn around and embrace them. Even for just a moment.
As we drive past the store called Suzy, I hug myself tightly and close my eyes. In my mind, I am hugging my little orphan self. And we drive back to my niece to say goodbye.
pensivepoly said
**hugging you tightly as well**
There really is no better response to grief than just that…embracing it…as grief is love and the expression of love for your mother…
How beautiful that you recognize it and embrace it rather than run from it…even after all these years…you still allow yourself to love…and grieve…
I know we haven’t chatted in ages, but I still think of you often…you have a beautiful soul…