Poly Loving

April 27, 2009

Well I’m no longer dating N.  Actually it’s been a couple of months since we decided mutually to end the relationship and try friendship.  We were doing pretty good and just recently hit a snag.  I wish I could explain what happened, but I don’t really think I can.  I think it had to with expectations from both our sides that were misplaced or misunderstood or just missed – period, end of sentence.

I know that N has read this blog and read in detail what I wrote about K, my last girlfriend, and I’m pretty sure all that baggage really didn’t help our relationship any.  I feel N always worried I would view her in the same light as K.  Which to me is ridiculous because K is K and N is N.  I wouldn’t paint a person with a different person’s color and I feel I treated N as N should be treated in spite or or maybe even because of my experience with K.

So where does that leave me?  In regards to N – at peace.  I gave my all in that relationship and I have no regrets.  It didn’t work out.

With poly – well, I have to admit, I’m starting to have my doubts.  I still truly believe it is possible to love more than one person at a time and that it can be a positive experience for all… with the right people. I’m just starting to doubt that I can find the right people.  I think my picker is broken.

I’ve kind of lost faith that there are someones out there who can understand and grasp how to have a healthy relationship.  In my past, I’ve dealt with dishonesty, cheating, lying and people saying they want to be with me when they don’t and people who say they don’t want to be with  me but then acting like they want to be with me.  All that stuff is confusing.  I’d like to think that stuff isn’t the norm but its what I’ve experienced.  People who say one thing and do the opposite just seems to be a standard of the type of folks I get involved with and I have to wonder what that says about me.  Why am I drawn in and suckered by these folks?  What is it about that situation that keeps drawing me back, I wonder?

So I guess I have some internal exploring to do.  I know I can have a healthy relationship – one that grows and evolves along with the two people in it.  J and I haven’t always had it perfect, we haven’t always seen eye to eye, we’ve even hurt each other.  And yet, we learn from each experience and continue to consider each other as we grow.  I’m happy with where we are and where we continue to go.

I’ll take each step one at a time and see where life leads me.  And I’m going to focus a little less on the poly aspect of my life and just let it be what it is.  I’m not turning my back on poly but I am accepting that maybe my life is bigger than poly and it isn’t the only thing I need in my life.

2 Comments | All About Me | Permalink
Posted by mmkeekah

Mistaken Identity

April 24, 2009

Coworker #1:  It was a real pleasure meeting Mon-Mon last night at dinner.

Coworker #2:  Yes, it was.  She’s a real sweetheart.

Coworker #1:  Yes, she is.  So, is she just staying with you for a bit?

Him:  (thinking, confused, and wondering where this is going so he opts for):  Yup.  She’s the girl I’m dating this week.

Coworker #1:  Oh.  I see.

Coworker #2:  (His name)!  That is SO not true.  There’s a picture of you two on your desk!

Him (laughing):  Why you all up in my desk business?

Coworker #1 (confused):  So she IS your girlfriend?

Him:  Yes.  We’ve been together almost five years now.

Coworker #1 (even more confused):  But at dinner last night, you said that you had just picked her up at the airport Sunday night.

Him:  (pauses, let’s what she said sink in)  True.  She was just out of town for the weekend and I picked her up at the airport Sunday night.

Both coworkers:  (laughing)

Later that evening after he relays the story to me….

Me (smiling):  I’m suprised you didn’t tell them I was your roommate.

Leave a Comment » | Actual Conversations, boyfriend, funny | Permalink
Posted by mmkeekah

Murderess Mon-Mon

April 20, 2009

So it turns out I didn’t kill Digi.

The vet called J this weekend and said they’d analyzed the contents of Digi’s stomach and nothing was in it that was poisionous to kitties.  After consulting with other experts, she feels Digi possibly had a blood clot in her heart or lungs that broke free.  Basically Digi died from a stroke.  A small kitty stroke.

I’m relieved it wasn’t me that killed her and want to focus on the wonderful 2 1/2 years we got to have Digi in our lives.  She was a pretty girl, a sweet kitty (even with her bitchy attitude), and I’m just thankful we had her to spoil for her short life.

Simon is still not home.  We had less time with him but all I hope for him is that either he is safe with a new owner or that it was quick and painless.

Leave a Comment » | All About Me, loss | Permalink
Posted by mmkeekah

A Hellish Week

April 13, 2009

Last week was rough.  We flew home Sunday night late from Chicago, where we spent the weekend visiting friends.  I broke out in a terrible rash all over my body, a reaction to having used the hotel soap instead of bringing my own.  We only got a few hours sleep before we had to up for work on Monday morning.

On Monday morning, our boy cat Simon escaped from the house.  He’s broken out before a couple of times but always come home within an 8 hour timeframe.  However, we have not seen him since J watched him jump the neighbor’s fence last Monday morning.  He is chipped but we lost our last cat, Bodie, the same way.  I admit to fearing the worst.

Then Monday night after I got home from the gym, I found one of our girl cats, Digi, in my closet in obvious distress.  I took her into the kitchen to show J – and she got progressively worse.  I made the decision to take her to an emergency vet.  Once there, Digi’s condition worsened even more and at 655am on Tuesday morning, she died.  The vet and I both believe Digi ate something she shouldn’t have which led to her death.  I worry it was my fault because I believe it was a supplement I was taking that I must have inadvertently dropped at some point.  I believe this based on her symptoms and what I learned about caffeine and animals.  Caffeine was one of the  main ingredients in the supplement and is poisonous for kitties and doggies.  Digi must have found it in my room, a room that is normally closed to the cats but was where I found her. 

So we are down to one kitty cat having lost two cats in less than a 24 hour period.  Poor Moxi, the remaining girl cat, is the only cat left standing.  What makes this all the more painful is that Digi and Moxi were sisters from the same litter and virtually inseparable since we brough them home.  So Moxi wanders through the house, pausing at the slightest noise, perhaps wondering if that’s her missing family.

So last week sucked big time.  Please be careful when you take your own supplements.  Our furry friends deserve better.

2 Comments | All About Me, loss | Permalink
Posted by mmkeekah

She Said Her Name Was Susan

April 6, 2009

Jeff and I were driving towards the border between Mexico and California in a rental car.  We were in Calexico, California visiting my niece, who’d moved to Calexico to live with her boyfriend.  We’d decided to see just how close my niece lived to the border, which turns out to be pretty damn close. 

As Jeff swung the car around to head back towards my niece’s house, we drove past a little shop called Suzy.  A big smile crossed my fact and I said to Jeff, “Hey look at that shop!  My mom went by the name Suzie at times.” 

The smile slowly faded from my face and my heart ached just a little as I thought of the names my mom used in her life.  And I thought of how I never got to use those name with her.  How much I missed out on because she died when I was so young. And I once again I thought of all she never got to know about my beautiful, grown-up, living-with-her-boyfriend niece. 

My eyes grew hot as unshed tears shined from behind them.  I was struck at how odd it was that something so inconsequential as the name of a tiny store in the border town of Calexico could bring home the reminder that my parents are gone forever.  How it could remind me so sharply of all that I lost and all that was lost to those in my family.

I also thought of how far I’d come in dealing with my grief and how none of that mattered when something like this happened.  How much I was still that little orphan girl who was left behind in the aftermath of a deadly accident.  I keep trying to leave that little orphan behind, to move on, to not hurt. But sometimes we just can’t turn our backs on our hurts.  Instead we have to turn around and embrace them.  Even for just a moment.

As we drive past the store called Suzy, I hug myself tightly and close my eyes.  In my mind, I am hugging my little orphan self.  And we drive back to my niece to say goodbye.

1 Comment | All About Me, mom, Truths | Tagged: , , | Permalink
Posted by mmkeekah

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