an existential keekah

Actual conversation after a dinner at a nice restaurant:

Him:  (after listening to a message on his cell) that was the manager from the restaurant.

Her:  Really? What did she say?

Him:  She apologized again for the inconvenience of having to move us so she could get some more wine bottles.

Me:  Well, that was nice but kind of weird for her to call us.

Him:  She also said we left too fast as she wanted to give us a gift of stemware to thank us.

Her and Me:  Aw!  How sweet!

Him:  I don’t want stemware.  I’d prefer a blowjob from her.

Me: (disgustedly) You always get a blowjob!  We never get stemware!

Actual conversation as he drove me to the park-n-ride this morning:

Me: (after reading the outside temperature from inside the car) Hey! The refrigerator said the temperature outside was only 30 degrees.

Him: (frustrated) Well the car was inside the garage for the night. It needs time to acclimate.

He hits the outside temperature button in the car again.

Him:  What does the temperature gauge read now? (sees that it reads 41 degrees)

Me:  I just showed you!

Him: Well I didn’t look!  I was busy performing safety checks in order to keep your cute body safe while I’m driving.

Me:  You mean like the safety check where you make sure I put on my seat belt?

He glances over at me, taking his eyes off the road, and sees I’m not wearing my seat belt.  He sighs angrily.

Me:  Like the safety check where you take your eyes off the road while driving?

Him:  (shaking his head as he glances back to the road) I can’t wait to tell you “I told you so” when we are involved in an accident and you’re hurt and I’m not.

Me: (wisely maintains a silence… after a slight giggle)