I was talking to my cousin on email about the demise of yet another triad and he said to me, “It seems you and J keep dating people who aren’t familiar with polyamory and maybe you should consider keeping to people who are more experienced with poly.” There may be some truth to that but there are also these truths 1)even poly people have a hard time with poly, 2) the heart doesn’t work that way, and 3) there are a lot more “straight” folks out there than poly folk.
I don’t go out there looking for straight folk – especially not straight women – and yet I can’t help who I’m drawn towards or who returns my interest. In fact, it is very rare for me to be drawn towards just anyone. Even J, while finding many woman here in Denver attractive and funny, isn’t one to just fall in love with everyone.
It is even true that neither one of us was looking for anyone in particular when we met N. We just happened to both meet this funny, quirky, sexy lady camping this summer. And they had a definite “spark” going on between them, and I wasn’t threatened by it. I actually found her charming and attractive – and lo and behold she was intrigued by what she saw between Jeff and me and wondered if maybe she could be a part of it too.
It is so rare to find not only a physical connection but also a deeper connection that could lead to an emotional bond that will grow into a long term relationship with one person, let alone two people. So if it does happen, do you let it pass because one person isn’t familiar with a new relationship dynamic?
I certainly can see an argument for avoidance given the fact that my first triad bombed so tragically and horribly. And central to its demise was the fact one person in the triad tried something completely new to her and couldn’t get passed her monogamous upbringing and open her heart to the possibilities polyamory offers. She couldn’t even try honesty with herself, much less honesty with her partners, in order to be in a triad relationship. And poly talks a lot of self-honesty in order to maneuver the bumps open and honest relationships sometimes cause.
I can’t control who I’m attracted to but I can control who I pursue. Believe me, more than once I’ve stated out loud, “I’m done with ‘straight’ women who think they are attracted to girls – never mind what Katie Perry says” and “I’m only dating poly people.” But in the end, the spark ignited, I followed my heart, and I found myself falling for just the type of girl I was trying to avoid.
What’s that road to hell paved with? Oh yeah, good intentions. Well, I guess I can take comfort in the fact I’ve remained true to my initial promise to myself. I’ve kept my heart open, I’ve let it lead me where it will, and hopefully my reward is the fact that I’ve been open and honest with myself and others.
But thanks, Kiko, for worrying about me. It’s always good to know I’m loved.
Your open heart, warm smile, and honesty with all is exactly why I love you.
NOw that I have a Psychology class under my belt I can tell you that there are 4 variables that lead to attractiveness:
1. Physical Attraction
2. Proximity
3. Familiarity
4. Similarity
You are missing #4 with people you “recruit” into Polyamory. You should party in Boulder and find a cute, hippie girl! Free love man!
I also heard that pheramones work. Bi girls love pheramones!
Good luck and I hope Santa brings you and Jeff a cutie for Christmas!
Aw. Love you too baby…
LOL Kiko – recruit. You crack me up… it ain’t a cult for goodness sake!
Recruit – The addition of new individuals to a population.
I think the word fits perfectly.
BTW WordPress automatically referenced this site which seems spot on.
http://organizizer.wordpress.com/2007/10/18/note-to-the-polyamorous-stop-dating-the-monogamous/?referer=sphere_related_content/
Ah but see you are assuming I’m recruiting people into the polyamorous “population.” which I’m not. I think poly only fits certain people, and even those individuals don’t have it perfect 100% of time.
Furthermore, I think this idea of recruiting just further broadens the chasm between “normal” individuals like yourself and people who view life alternatively like me. I don’t need or want that chasm; I’ve just accepted it as a part of life because “normal” folks are so threatened by things (i.e. lifestyles they don’t or won’t understand) out of the “normal” way they do things and they need to keep folks like me separated from their “normal” lifestyle. Polyamory is a very threatening lifestyle to “normal” folks because it goes against all those ideals that have built up monogamous, man-woman relationships/marriage… so if it is viable, then maybe all those ideals would have to be looked at more closely.
I don’t have time to recruit people to poly way of thinking. I’m just trying to live my life… that’s all.
I believe that the girls you have brought into your triad are going through a transitional phase in their lives and find the lifestyle exciting at first. It’s like getting a tribal tattoo on spring break. Seems like a great idea but it’s something you quickly outgrow.
I stick by the “recruit” label. You know I support your lifestyle choice. I just call it like I see it because we are both mature enough to reason our opinions without taking offense from each other.
I agree to a point about the excitement aspect. I think that it is probably true that many find the idea of polyamory appealing at first because of the excitement. It’s human nature and not inherent of poly itself. That is why so many marriages break up – because someone in the marriage found someone outside of the marriage appealing and the excitement of the new relationship made them believe they found their “true love.” So they left their first “true love” thinking they’d made a mistake. But what people forget is that relationships take work – and eventually the new true love relationship is going to require as much work as the first one. It’s called serial monogamy – jumping from relationship to relationship while riding that initial wave of excitement. If you take a moment and get out of this discussion, contemplate what I’m saying, you may find truth in it.
I don’t agree that either women I’ve dated were in a transitional phase. I think they found something that intrigued them, they were types who were used to not conforming to societies standards, and explored something new because of the excitement. I don’t think growth had anything to do with what happened necessarily. I’m sure we all grew out of what transpired. Some people have what it takes to make multiple relationships work and some don’t. It is a choice we make – just like choosing to get married.
I agree we are mature adults and I enjoy these little conversations we have – sometimes you even get me thinking along the same lines. In this instance, I believe you are deliberately using recruit to incite. That’s okay. I don’t mind. Happens to me a lot. LOL
I’m sure there are lots of folks who try to recruit people into polyamory for good and bad reasons. I am not one of those people. I don’t view polyamory as “the way to be” for anyone. I just prefer to love this way because the benefits outweight the bad sides. For me.
You know, kiko, I’ve thought more about this and I think I understand why you view it as me recruiting people… perhaps because I am so vocal about who I am and how I choose to love in my life via this blog. I could see how that could be interpreted as recruiting or advertising. It makes more sense to me.
When I first started blogging it was because I read other blogs and thought it was fun to read other peoples stories and lives. And I know I’m funny so I thought, man I could do this and have a lot of fun. For example, with my actual conversations… or when I rant about something that bugs me… that’s fun for me.
At the same time, I was exploring poly for myself as a new interest when I started this blog – and the one thing I found really helpful was finding other online sources such as personal blogs and forums that dealt specifically with what I was dealing with emotionally. At first, I started blogging about poly as a way to work through my own emotions. And then I found that others did read my blog and got something out of my posts… and it made me happy. So that’s why I blog about my poly opinions, my poly experiences, and my life in general. It’s fun, sometimes people get something out of it… and it makes me happy. I”m not trying to advertise or recruit anyone. In fact, for the general population – and even some folks I know in poly relationships right now – I’d say stay away. If you aren’t inclined to share, or to open your mind to completely radical ideas form the norm, then poly ain’t for you. Because it is hard. It’s like a normal relationship hard times the number of people in the relationship. It’s drama-y prone times the number of people in the relationship.
Personally for me, I’ve learned a lot about myself and I’ve grown in ways that really make me feel pride about who I am and how I live my life. I ain’t perfect but I am loving.