Let me try to tackle your questions.

Re “How do I even approach the subject of poly love?”

As a general rule, simple is best. “Honey, I still think about poly love.”

Re “Is there hope for me, or must I live forever with this terrible hunger?”

Your wife was a poly hinge once. The drug incident seemingly freaked her, but that doesn’t mean she’ll never consider polyamory again. I think there’s hope, but as Mmkeekah pointed out, you can’t guarantee anything about someone else’s actions; you can only choose your own actions. So the outcome depends on your wife’s decisions. The outcome you desire can’t be guaranteed, but it’s a possibility, and thus a hope.

Re “Judging from our previous involvement, do you think the evidence provided by these elements is stong enough to warrant even one shot at a discussion about this, with her, without our relationship being irrevicably damaged?”

I can’t imagine what permanent damage it would do to talk about it … unless your enthusiasm got way out of hand and turned into insistence. You have to give your wife the freedom to say “No,” and wait with patience between poly-related discussions.

Re “Should I even bring this up with her?”

I don’t see how you could not bring it up, considering how important it is to you. No sense in trying to contain it in a pressure cooker the rest of your life.

Re “Knowing what you know about polyamory, is it such an explosive topic that it can ruin a relationship by just discussing it?”

A lot of people are so conditioned by monogamy-bias that they are offended when polyamory is suggested. However, your wife has already practiced polyamory, so it’s nothing monstrous or shocking to her. Just discuss it sensitively and with thoughtful restraint. Let her decide the pace of the conversation.

Re “From reading my story, and possessing your experience and dedication in the world of polyamory, what kind of a chance do I have in approaching the subject without being immolated?”

Hard to say. Not sure of the dimensions of what freaked her out about the previous MFM relationship. Was it the drugs? Did she have second thoughts about practicing polyamory?

I guess you have an estimated 50% chance of not getting immolated. If polyamory is a passion for you, I suggest you bring it up anyway. Just brace yourself.

Re “Is it possible for me to get within arm’s reach of the fire, and if I did, could I take the gold?”

That’s up to her. All you can do is present your feelings … and you have to let her express hers. Maybe it won’t be now, but maybe someday she’ll feel safe enough to give you the gold. I don’t think you can just take it.

Re “Will she see this as a gift to all of us, or a perversion, like I’m trying to distance myself from the life we’re building?”

I think if you present your feelings to her honestly, she will see that your motives are sincere.

Re “If the situation results in the latter, will she be secretly embittered for the rest of our lives?”

She strikes me as more the type to (at worst) flare up for a little while, then calm down again. I could be wrong, but my guess is she wouldn’t be embittered.

Re “I know what I could be gambling with, but what kind of cards am I holding?”

You really should ask her that question. Ask her how she feels about polyamory. Ask her how she feels about the MFM relationship that you had. Ask her what (if anything) scared her about that.

Hope the new guy works out. Stay cool.

With regards,
Kevin T.

Tall and handsome, just how she likes ‘em!

-Hinterland

Most people would say to you “be true to yourself.” Whatever that means to you personally – is what you should do.

I will say this caveat: you can’t make anyone do anything without repercussions. The only person you control in this equation is you. So I guess my first piece of advice would be to ask yourself honestly if you want to risk your marriage for the chance to live polyamorously. And make no mistake – that would be the risk especially if your wife really doesn’t want to live and love polyamorously. So dig deep, make sure you really understand what you could be giving up in order to live polyamorously. And then you need to ask yourself what do you mean by wanting to be polyamorous? Do you want a full time other love partner living with you and your wife? Do you want a secondary relationship that doesn’t involve sharing a house and other types of responsibility? What time do you have to devote to another relationship while still giving all the things you give your wife in that relationship now (maybe a little less time, but the same love, commitment, etc)?

You need to answer for yourself what you want and then you need to articulate it to your wife. Not just, “hey I’ve discovered the term polyamorous and that’s what I am” but the nitty gritty details people learning about polyamory don’t take into consideration. Then talk to your wife, explain how much you love her and don’t want to leave her but you want to expand your heart and possibly your life to include other romantic partners. Find out what she can handle and what she can’t – and this may mean her saying no way not at all.

The possibilities are endless as to how this could play out. I guess what I’m saying is you have to take the risk in order to know what you can and can’t live with. I wish you luck in your journey… feel free to ask more questions… and thanks for reading the blog!

Hello, my name is Mark. I turned thirty years old this past December. I live in northern Ontario Canada, and it is my life’s passion and dream to be in a confirmed MFM relationship. If anyone out there can help to guide me into this position, I am thanking you now with all of my gratitude. Here is my story.

I had always wanted to share my love, my passion, my deepest playful happiness with another man, someone I got along with well, perhaps a best friend. I’m straight, and I’ve been married to the love of my life for ten years now. We had the opportunity to express our joy with a friend I had known for fifteen years. Anthony was a bright, quick-witted, devilishly funny man, and after a very satisfying night of delightful conversation, I suggested to him that he might be in a position to make love to my wife. The timing seemed right, so I whisked each one away to talk in private about such an idea. Both were amicable, and the game was on. Over the next two years, we would meet up in Toronto where Anthony lived, while my wife and I were on business, and each time we would share our conversations and after, our passion. This went on for a couple of years. Initially my wife was scared that she would be struck by lightning, but that quickly passed, and she revelled in the fact that she had two men in her life. One, her husband, the other her English boyfriend. She would send him flirtatious love letters and small gifts, and I had never been happier in my life, for her, and for myself. Anthony was very happy and excited about our arrangement, and he took the whole thing in a stride, which made everything smooth and easy. At first I thought it was just about the sex, which was wonderful of course. Later on, I realized that it wasn’t only the sexual part which excited me. It was the thought of sharing her with him that really worked me up and got me excited. I started fantasizing that he would move in with us and be there every morning for discussions, talks about books and musicians, history, politics, driving to unknown places all together, really sharing our lives. I am not a jealous man, I don’t think I have a scrap of it in my body, and Anthony, I think is the same. Later on, my wife and I had been seriously discussing starting a family. It was imminent, so we were thinking about it a lot. One night I finally confessed to her that although I did want to have a baby with her, I had some strange desire that it should be Anthony and her to have the first one. I couldn’t shake the feeling that I just wanted it to be this way. It made me so excited to think of her and Anthony creating this little life. She didn’t react like I thought she would. Initially after the confession, she was a little shocked, but she quickly recovered and asked me in all seriousness if I thought that I could love a child that wasn’t mine. I explained to her that if it was from her, then of course I could. She was not completely opposed to the idea, which was shocking for me, and such a relief that she didn’t think I was less of a man or damaged or wrong, or any of the scary things that were racing through my mind at the time. In the end, it was I who made the donation, and set the wheels in motion which gave way to the birth of my son. Six months after our son was born, we met with Anthony again, at our home. He was different this time, edgy, agitated. We chalked it up to him being uncomfortable around a baby, and we left it at that. Other friends of ours had this sort of crises when they realized that we had become parents. We saw him a second time. Again, more agitated, fidgety. We discovered later on that he was seeking treatment for drug addiction in Toronto. He hadn’t actually gone to recieve treatment, but it that it was inevitable. We were devestated. My best friend, my brother, had become an addict. We only communicated sporatically between visits, so it hadn’t been apparent to us that his meddling with club drugs had become such a problem. Up until now, things had been going so well. My dream of being in this kind of commited relationship seemed attainable, perhaps a little remotely, but I had hope. To make matters worse, my wife is so turned off about having another man, that the subject for her appears to be closed, a non-issue, something we did, but will not do again. So my question to all of you wonderful, experienced poly-familial-love people is this; How do I even approach the subject of poly love? It burns inside me, the desire hasn’t diminished even in the slightest. Is there hope for me, or must I live forever with this terrible hunger? Thank you so much for reading my story, you honour me with your attention.

Pining in the pines,

Mark marklarochelle@rocketmail.com

Please feel free to ask your questions in the blog comments – that way we all learn from your experience. Or if you would rather send questions directly to me, I will email you so you can do so. Even if the questions are for Kevin, I can get the questions to him. Thanks for reading!

-Mark

marklarochelle@rocketmail.com