an existential keekah

And now the conclusion to Heidel’s Story: Part One:

FIGURING IT OUT

None of us had heard of or had any experience with what it meant to be poly. Figuring out how to make a relationship of three work, and work well, involved a roller coaster of emotion. As a third, I was impatient to achieve the comfortable “knowingness” Hubby and Wife seemed to have with one another. Wife was somewhat jealous of the “newness” that Hubby and I shared as we explored our new sexual relationship. There were bouts of awkwardness all around.

One of the first things we learned was that communication was key to keeping misunderstandings at bay. I explored personal issues that had heretofore undermined my loving relationships in an effort to keep this new, very complicated, relationship from disintegrating like previous ones. Hubby and Wife learned to communicate differently with one another, and with me, as my presence made changes they hadn’t anticipated in both their marriage and in their lifestyle in general.

As the months passed, we tried different configurations to find a way of being together that was most comfortable. We explored different sleeping arrangements, we distributed and redistributed chores and financial obligations, we experimented sexually. Eventually we settled into a comfortable life in which Hubby essentially has two wives of equal emotional and sexual importance to him, and the wives, though emotionally connected and committed to one another, don’t sleep with each other.

We also decided that we’d be a closed group. None of us have any interest in bringing additional members into the group, and none of us are emotionally ready to handle another member. There is some debate in the poly world whether this is truly polyamorous (or simply polygamy without the religious connotation), but whatever the designation, this is what works for us.

At first, Hubby told everyone about us. He was proud to have two wives (still is, really) and he told everyone – his coworkers, his family, his friends. Most people were receptive.

Male response: “That’s so cool! How can I do that?”
Female response: “Can I be your third?”.

This latter response became so prevalent that Hubby finally stopped talking to people about it and now only tells people on a need-to-know basis.

As receptive as strangers might be, his family, however, thought I was a home wrecker. This was ironic and heartbreaking for me considering I’d been a regular at his family gatherings for more than 15 years, and as soon as they found out that Hubby and Wife’s marriage was open and I was in it, they turned on me. Equally ironic, mine and Wife’s families were initially happy for us, but later turned on us as well. Each became protective of their respective family member – worried that the other two were somehow out to harm them – and so we have had to slowly retreat to our oasis of a home, where we have become a united front against naysayers.

We now only see our families when we have to, we require that they be all inclusive of all three of us (or they see none of us at all), and we do major holidays at home, on our own. Because of this arrangement, our families are starting to come around, to accept us as a threesome rather than a twosome, and a recent gathering for our one-year-old son brought all three families harmoniously together for the first time in more than two years. That was symbolic for us; it helped us to realize how far our new family has come in the almost three years we’ve been together.

The outside turbulence we’ve experienced over the last couple of years has led to plenty of turbulence within our triad as well.

I have bouts of jealousy and envy that stems from power struggles with Wife and the fact that I’ll never be a legitimate wife.

Wife has bouts of jealousy that stems from the fact that she has to share a man she never intended to share, and her comfortable married life has had to grow and change in order to accommodate one more.

Hubby has to deal with not just one, but two, hormonally charged, independent and feisty women who require that he balance their needs and desires at all times.

Because of all this we’ve had our moments when we wonder if it’s worth it.

But when we wonder this, we also consider that we are living a dream. There is a special and unique bond between the three of us that exists whether we want it to or not. We are bound by more than just love and time and friendship. We are bound by some eternal and universal bond that extends beyond sleeping arrangements and shared parental responsibilities. I could move out and move on; I could marry someone else again and invite Hubby and Wife to dinner parties at my house. But I know what would happen.

It’s what always used to happen when we lived apart. The three of us would sit around the table, drinking microbrews or rum and Cokes, sharing memories and inside jokes for hours as we gaze lovingly across the dinner table at each other.

Eventually, Wife would tease my new husband, with no humor in her voice at all: “I will steal her away from you someday, you know.”

Meanwhile Hubby would throw his arm around me protectively and whisper something funny and irritatingly romantic in my ear: “Remember that time we ran naked through the January rain and the creek was so swollen it blocked the driveway so we couldn’t leave the house for three days?”

And I would giggle and return Hubby’s embrace.

And Wife would eventually steal me away.

So turbulence and unconventionalism and doubting family members can come and go. What lasts is love. And love is what I have. Who am I to question the package (or packages) in which I’ve received it?

Tomorrow: Kevin’s Poly Story