an existential keekah

It just figures when I finally get around to posting about the status of my triad, when I dedicate a whole week to triad relationships, my triad breaks up.  I’m not sure that’s exactly irony defined but I certainly can see the incongruity of this even through the sadness.  Yet, the very things I was going to discuss about polyamory and triad relationships in this post carry significance over why this triad relationship didn’t work out for me and even why the last triad relationship didn’t work either.

What I want to talk about regarding triad relationships is about their dynamic from the perspective of a being in an established couple and adding a third person to the relationship.  Earlier this week I gave you the female and male perspectives of folks joining an established couple.  Heidel shared with you the struggles her little pride went through as she joined not only a married couple but her two closest friends.  And Kevin shared with you how his triad works as he joined his couple.  I think its important to note the use of the word couple in this last paragraph because it has a very important dynamic in a triad.

The biggest hurdle a triad relationship faces is the  “existing couple” dynamic.  The idea here is the existing couple in the triad has had more time to develop a relationship that precluded the “thirds” involvement and thus there is a “catching up” that must happen in order for all three members to be on equal footing.  The time frame doesn’t seem to matter either; it could be three months the existing couple is together or 30 years – still this seems to promote a problem within the triad.

In my experience, I know I struggled with this dynamic issue in my first triad.  When my insecurities and doubts about my ex-girlfriend’s romantic feelings towards me specifically were prevalent, I worried she was trying to steal J from me.  When J was caught up in NRE with K and would lose patience with my fears and insecurities, I worried about losing him.  And what I wanted most to do was save what I had before with J – our coupleness.

From the other side of the house (that “third” side), there was insecurities and feelings of envy over the fact J and I have an established relationship prior to their involvement.  It was like the proverbial elephant in the room the third didn’t want to admit.  But if anything came up that brought focus to the prior involvement and made the third feel, well like an actual third, then that damn elephant came stomping out, rearing its ugly head.  From what I can gather, the issue is feeling like the third wheel,  or less of a partner or less equal.  Thus there was feelings of having this major catching up to do.  In a dyadic relationship, the catching up is done equally by both partners (or at  least that is the presumption being made here.)  But when you have three partners, and two have a prior relationship of any length, then the third feels like they need to be where the other two are it in order to be considered equal.

The fallacy here is that it is in very rare moments that there will ever be true equalness in any part of the relationship – even in a dyad.  Because rarely do we feel the same about our partner all the time at any given point.  So if you add a third person, the chances of synching up and everyone feeling honkey dory about everyone is pretty slim.  Which is why those rare moments are so precious.  But to bank your whole relationship on synching up is crazy, well in my book anyway.

Then add into it society and monogamy and what we are all taught and bam! it complicates things further.  Because the world at large believes in and supports only man and woman dyad relationships and specifically marriage between a man and a woman.  So now you are facing issues within the triad because of this “existing couple” mentality and no one to offer you support in how to deal with those emotions.  If you ask for help from your family, your church, your friends – what you will hear is you deserve better, you  deserve all the love of one person, you are being cheated.  No matter what side of the “existing couple” mentality you are on, that’s what you will hear.  Along with a lot of “I could never do that myself.”

I’m not saying this specifically is what caused the breakup of both of my triads – we certainly had other personal fights to fight in order to be in a triad relationship.  In the end, my current gf isn’t sure polyamory or a triad relationship is really what she wants for herself.  I have to respect that even if I don’t agree.  The promising note of this break up is we are still talking and even still somewhat dating.   My gf doesn’t want to break up with me or with J.  She just doesn’t want to be in a triad.  I’m struggling to understand how this will work, to understand if I can be different with her after having experienced 5 1/2 wonderful months of being in a triad with her and J.  I have some mourning to do, then I have some growing to do.  But I know I don’t want to lose this amazing woman from my life.

Just the fact that she had the strength to be honest with me, despite being worried of upsetting me, despite what she had learned in other monogamous relationships about hiding her true feelings, despite knowing it would hurt – well it takes my breath away.  And proves to me what she doesn’t know about herself – she has a kind, loving soul filled with integrity and love.  Maybe we aren’t a triad.  But we are all very good friends and lovers.