At the end of May, my love and I had a fight about, of all things, paying bills. I suppose all couples disagree from time to time over money and such, but the whole squabble just seemed so silly to me. I thought I was being rational but he didn’t see it my way. So he left to go shopping and presumably to get away from the argument. But he returned just moments later to announce he wanted to break up. Needless to say, I was less than enthusiastic about this major decision he had made. We spent the next few days in turmoil as we both worked through the aftermath of this announcement.
Now, we all handle stresses in life differently. I suppose there could be arguments back and forth about the best way to handle things in your life versus bad ways, but in the heat of the moment when emotions are running high, sometimes you default to the only way you personally know how to deal with those stresses.
In May, I lost my 46 year old brother to a long illness. In addition to that, my love lost a friend, who was also in his forties, to a heart attack. These were heavy, deep losses for both us – and a reminder to him of how fragile life is – how easy it can slip away. Add on top of that the relationship we both tried with our ex-girlfriend – how much time and effort was put into, all the compromises made and all the horrible times that overshadow any good times we shared during the relationship. It can make a man wonder about the choices he made in his life – to wonder if he’d made the right ones and been true to himself – especially in the middle of a stupid, inconsequential fight about money.
In the end, we didn’t break up. He explained to me his frame of mind at the time, and I tried to understand where he was coming from at that moment. During the explanation, other issues came up from him, including the fact that he was feeling stifled. He felt he couldn’t explore outside relationships, without me, based on what had occurred with our ex-girlfriend and also based on some of my responses to interests he’d had in other women after the dissolution of the triad. I can’t pretend I wasn’t devastated by his choice to break up rather than talk through these issues with me, even though he rescinded his break up request. But I have to admit, there was truth to what he said. While I’d never openly said I didn’t want him to date others without me, I wasn’t ever really supportive when he expressed interest. Because I was scared; I was scared of the unknown.
The initiation of this break up was exactly what we both needed. It took me more than a few months to see it this way. As I said, I was hurt by his choice. But, knowing who he is and loving every part that makes up him, I can see why he felt cornered. And even though his head was telling him to leave, his heart reminded him of what we had together, what we had achieved together, and in the end, he couldn’t leave.
Maybe other people wouldn’t see it that way but I do. He loved me enough to stay and talk out his fears based on all our losses, including the ex-girlfriend and that whole traumatic, messy, unnecessary experience that was she. He loved me enough to admit what he needed and have faith that I would work through my fears. And I love him enough to let go of my ego, work through my own issues, and have faith in our love.
We just celebrated our four year anniversary on August 2nd. I marvel at how little time that really is and how much has transpired in those four years. I know nothing in this life has guarantees. I know a truly committed relationship takes work to sustain it during the rough patches. And I even admit it is entirely possible that my relationship with my love won’t last a lifetime. But I’m betting on the odds that we have what it takes to make it in the long-term.
