This morning I was fresh out the shower when the question of my mortality arose in my head. It started innocently enough with the thought, “I wonder if I’ll burn in hell for not believing in God.”
Jeff is all pagany through and through – no heaven, no hell just lots of gods and goddesses. I don’t really believe in god – well, not really. See I was raised by a Baptist father and Catholic mother. I didn’t attend catechism but instead spent most of my Sundays in bible school at the local baptist church as a child. My mother was a strong Catholic who attended mass, believed strongly in heaven and hell, guilt and shame, sin and punishment – the whole nine yards. So I learned all about religion. Heck, we even HAD to have TWO funerals when my parents died because of the whole divisive factor of the split religions in my family.
But I stopped believing in an actually GAWD many years ago.
I feel really guilty about that sometimes. Ironic, no?
So as I was drying my hair, I thought of heaven and hell, purgatory, what it would be like to BE in hell because I don’t believe… and then I thought about dying, death, not waking up… what that would feel like… would I feel it? Would I know?
I suppose in order to feel the punishment of purgatory, of hell itself, I’d have to be aware that I was dead, right? I mean, what’s the point of an eternity of burning if you don’t know?
Then, for one second, I let myself dwell on the thought of dying. Of never waking of. Of not being a part of this reality, this world. I felt fear and sadness. I realised I don’t want to never wake up, to not know what this world turns out to be. I am afraid to die.
Then I got over it. I finished drying my hair, got dressed, and went to work.
Because, right now, I am alive. I have a life to live right now. There will be time for my salvation later.
Posted by mmkeekah 
