If Only It Were That Simple
Posted by mmkeekah on March 10, 2008
This past weekend Jeff asked me if I missed my friend, the one who I had a falling out with last September. “Of course,” was my response. I miss her a lot.
Such a simple statement, such a simple problem and one that could be easily rectified by simply me picking up the phone – me calling and saying hi, how are you – maybe even saying, “hey I miss you, this is stupid.”
It sounds simple at any rate… and yet even now, almost six months later, I still can’t do it. It isn’t really pride that stops me – that went away several months ago with the hurt. It’s simply the feeling that I am a bad person because I wasn’t there when her boyfriend dumped her – because I didn’t drive immediately to her house and let her cry on my shoulder.
It sounds quite simply like I was an ass – and I suppose I was – it wasn’t my intention to leave her high and dry because, as she pointed out to me, when Jeff and I had a horrible fight one night and I called her, she left a party and came to my side and spent the entire weekend with me. And, as she pointed out, she did call into work when I was terrible ill in the emergency room at a local hospital and required emergency surgery. As she pointed out to me, twice in my life, she “dropped her whole life” to stand by me.
Given that – it does sound like I’m the huge ass. I even admit – I was an ass. I didn’t mean to be insensitive and appear uncaring because the truth is I adore this woman – more than anyone I’ve ever known. She said she considered me a sister – but to me she was more. Mostly because I didn’t have a sister. After seeing my friends who have sisters and the relationships they had with those sisters, I couldn’t compare my friend and our relationship to those sisterly pairings. I would have gone to the ends of the earth for her – and I won’t stoop now to comparing if/what I did during our time together to those two times she threw in my face so coldly in anger.
Because the truth is – I did fail her when she needed someone. I knew she was upset, but I guess I didn’t get how upset she was – because when I talked to her, she seemed sad but she seemed okay too. And she’d barely dated the guy just a few weeks, so I didn’t know the extent of her feelings. Maybe she downplayed it to me… maybe I wasn’t listening… or maybe I was tired. I’d had my own share of heartache and I was too wrapped up in it, and I guess I didn’t hear her pain. But she also didn’t share it. She didn’t call me and say, “hey I need you to come over and be with me” like I did when Jeff and I fought. She wasn’t lying doped up in a hospital, afraid of dying alone, barely remembering that she asked anyone to stay just in case.
See, the funny thing about me is – if I’m in pain – you know it. And if I need something from you, I ask for it. There is very little humility or hiding from me. I cry when I’m hurt, I yell when I’m mad, I laugh when I’m happy (which, if you know me, you know I laugh a lot). I don’t beat around the bush because, well to me, life is too damn short to pretend. Or to not ask for what you need, especially from people who love you.
I’m learning that not everyone is like me – again, such a simple thing to learn. Some people don’t ask when they need help – instead the expect you to know… just know… what they need. So where I failed my friend was in understanding that, when she called me that day, she needed me to come immediately over and be there for her. I wish I could do the whole thing over. But I can’t.
Nor can I forget what she said to me in email. I’m a simple girl – her words made me feel shame. I don’t like that feeling. So I don’t call.
For the very first time in my life, I wish I knew how to fix something which I didn’t even know was broke. I simply did not know that she was angry at me for not coming over that weekend her boyfriend just up and left without a note, a phone call, nothing. He called her eventually, and they got back together. I guess some things are easier to forgive than others. The anger I felt over her being unable to stop talking about my ex is over… although I admit it was a lot easier to get over that relationship by the simple fact I didn’t have to see her or hear about her from anyone. I certainly don’t regret that or even miss that aspect either.
But I do regret losing my friend. And for what it is worth now, I am sorry that I hurt her. It was never my intention.
If only it were that simple…
Heidi said
oh mon-mon. I’m so sorry.
Tell her you love her. Tell her you’re sorry you weren’t there for her when she needed you. Tell her you know you have flaws, but you also have good things, and that you hope that your strengths are worth it to her to be your friend again.
It’s OK. You are not completely your flaws. You are not completely your strengths. All you can offer is what you are. Tell her why you love her. Tell her you’ll try to focus on that, and not the negatives. After all, you’re human and you have flaws, just as everyone does.
You don’t have to do these things. Just some thoughts I jotted down. Hugs to you across the wires.
Life is too short to turn away from love, whatever form it takes.
Gina said
Perhaps you can write her all of this in an e-mail or tell her all of this in a phone call. She needs to hear this that you wrote for us. Life is too short, too short to lose the deepest friendships we have been given.