Website to Visit: Six Sentences

December 27, 2007

I found this wonderful site that allows you to submit your own writing as a blog post for their site – as long as it is in six sentences. No more, no less. I loved the concept… so I submitted my own piece.

It will debut on Sunday, January 20! Talk about exciting!

Visit the site – explore… I will be submitting more!


Is This Me?

December 24, 2007

Your Score: Fun Loving Soul

You scored 12 Extroversion, -9 Sensitivity, and 16 Openness!

You are an open and social person. When you are left alone you tend to get bored and restless, and too much time without social contact makes you fade away. A good night surrounded by friends and laughter soon perks you back up.

You are trusting and truthful, and you aren’t good at hiding your emotions from friends or strangers alike. People need to take you as you are – and often they do. You are confident but not overconfident, sensitive but not touchy. You aren’t afraid to give your opinion, or to let someone know when they have offended you, but you don’t constantly fly off the handle. You simply want to make your thoughts and feelings known, and you are just as open to hearing others’ points of view. Sometimes your friends feel slighted by you, because they aren’t as open about their feelings as you are, and so you don’t always notice when they are feeling hurt or down.

Your daemon’s form would represent your social and emotionally honest nature, as well as your balanced sense of self. He or she would constantly be throwing him or herself into the moment – enjoying the feel of the afternoon wind, the throbbing beat of music in the club, or helping you argue your point.

Suggested forms: Meerkat, Labrador Retriever, Sea Lion, Lemur

Link: The Golden Compass Daemon Test written by wolfcaroling on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the The Dating Persona Test
View My Profile(wolfcaroling)

Today’s Happy, #2

December 20, 2007

Today I woke up after the alarm, snuggled up warm and tight in the arms of the man I love and kitties all around us.

And today is my Friday!


What’s The Hold Up?

December 19, 2007

I’ve was asked recently if I’ve started looking again for another girlfriend. The question of whether Jeff and I are looking for a “third” as a replacement also came up. I giggle a little inside every time this question is asked, even though I know people don’t mean it as it sounds. As if I can so easily replace a beloved person who was a part of my love life for almost two years, not to mention the previous four years of friendship I shared with this woman.

Honestly, I’m having a hard time with the thought of dating anyone else right now. I can’t fathom searching for another love when I’m still so twisted inside over my previous lover. I have a lot of self-directed anger with regards to the relationship over not facing the truth sooner, not trusting my instincts more, and for not being stronger to walk away. I thought I was stronger than how I acted, and I feel let down by the fact that I’m not. I know folks may say that I was strong enough to try this unusual relationship, strong enough to stick it out even during rough times, even strong enough to love when I wasn’t sure the love was returned. But I don’t feel strong enough.

I will admit something here now that I’ve not admitted to anyone – I wanted out of the relationship mid-April. I contemplated ending the triad then because I was sick of the drama and I was doubly sick of being blamed for the drama when I knew it wasn’t me. But I was scared of what it would mean to my relationship with Jeff. I was afraid that I would have to walk away from Jeff as well in order to get out of the triad. I wasn’t ready for that. I knew we were compatible, and we had a lot going for us. I wasn’t ready to walk away from that because of someone else. I wasn’t ready to lose us.

So, being the logical creature I am, naturally, I reviewed my options. I could break up with my girlfriend, let the two of them date, and keep dating Jeff separately. But given our history, knowing what our girlfriend expected from a boyfriend, and given how she treated me and him – I could only see pain in that future. My second choice was to break up with both of them and go solo. But as I already stated, I didn’t want to break up with Jeff. Finally, I could try to work it out in the triad even knowing I would have to live with the drama-prone antics of our girlfriend and her inability to really share in a relationship.

So I was in this state of limbo from mid-April until about mid-May. I couldn’t decide a path, because none of the outcomes were what I wanted for myself. In the end, it was really a case of what could I live with most. So I chose to stay in the triad and weather it as best as I could. And then we had the final meltdown at the end of May.

What transpired to cause the breakup is not important. We were once again at a point where it had gotten ugly strictly because of one person and the three of us were all feeling like crap and communication was gone. And once again, I said to myself – is this worth it? Why keep going through this when you know it is just one person? I stated in an earlier post that I made the personal decision to end the triad. And it’s partially true. I did decide I couldn’t do it anymore even if it meant losing my relationship with Jeff, as painful and hard as it was to come to that decision. We all got together to talk it out once more, and my intent was to end it even if it meant I had to break up with both of them. But in the end, it was Jeff who said he couldn’t do it anymore.

I wasn’t expecting that. We hadn’t talked about any of it before – we’d lost that ability months and months before. So going into the discussion, I was sure he wanted to us both to keep trying with her – to give her the benefit of the doubt yet again. I was certain that even if I said no, that he would choose to be with her still. When he ended the triad, I was in such shock all I could do was nod my head in agreement. And that is where most of my anger at myself comes from – knowing that I wasn’t strong enough to do it on my own. I can’t even say with certainty now that, if Jeff hadn’t done the breaking up, that I could have followed through with my own breakup plan.

So it’s hard to open myself up and be receptive to finding love outside the relationship I have now. I don’t trust myself to be strong enough to handle it. What if it turns ugly again? Will I be strong enough to stand up for my convictions and for my needs? Will I be strong enough stand up for the wonderful and loving relationship I have now with Jeff, especially if someone else isn’t as committed to treasuring and nurturing that love?

There is comfort now in the love Jeff and I share. The two of us still being together even after the demise of the triad may prove to others that Jeff loves me, but I never needed the proof. I saw it in his eyes every day. I saw it in the things he did for me out of the goodness of his heart. I see it now today just as I did then. I even see it when we are with others, in the way he will glance at me to see if I’m alright. I know he loves – I’ve always known; his love for me is never in doubt. It is that love that kept me trying long after I myself would’ve walked away.

There is contentment in what we share now – the life, the lovers, the friends. We are learning again how to be ourselves with each other. We are learning how to communicate again, now that communication isn’t looked at as a threat but as a joy that should be shared between and amongst lovers. We are learning how to share our lives in the path we’ve chosen separately and together.

I am content with what I have now.

Someday I want to get to the point where – if love presents its beauty to me again in the form of another person, or a couple, with Jeff or through Jeff – I can accept it and not question it as I did for the past two years.

I hope I find my way.


Kiddie Krushes

December 18, 2007

Do you remember being a young girl in grade school? (extra points if you are a male.)

Do you remember that one boy in class who all the girls giggled over? (extra points if you are male!) Do you remember those silly little questionnaires us girls would make up to give to the boys to find out if they liked us?

“I like you. Do you like me?” the questionnaire would ask, and it would include little check boxes for Yes or No.

Remember?

Here’s a unique twist on that harmless questionnaire:

ndvd_000.jpg


Today’s Happy, #1

December 17, 2007

I will occasionally post a random Today’s Happy in honor of one of my very first posts that still makes me happy today when I think about it.

Last Thursday morning, I finished getting ready for work and sat down with a bowl of cereal. Jeff was in the middle of his morning ritual, watching the CNN Morning News so he could stare at the host, Robin, this sexy newscaster with a hot bod and cute grin. We sat in silence for a moment, and then he turned to me. I stopped eating mid-bite to look at him.

He said, “Your make-up looks really pretty today.”

I smiled at him. “Thank you,” I replied, as I gave him a kiss.

I was happy all day.


Baked

December 16, 2007

Actual conversation:

Him: (from the kitchen) Are the brownies almost done baking?

A long pause as he notices something on the counter.

Me: What are you looking at?

Him: (holding up a packet of Hershey’s chocolate syrup) Was this supposed to go into the brownies?

Me: Huh?

Him: I’ve been standing here reading the box directions… this syrup packet was supposed to go into the brownie mix before you baked them.

Another long pause as we stare at each other for a second.

Me: Whoops. (giggling)

Him: I kept reading looking for how you were going to use this syrup. I thought, well maybe it goes on top of the brownies after they are baked, like a frosting.

Me: (laughing out loud) Whoops.


Part 3 of 3: I Am The Dominant Bird: A Study In Behavioral Change

December 14, 2007

Once I put my plan into play, the efforts paid off almost immediately. My first week I went from 100% step backs to only 17%. My confidence level rose and I handled Niki much better. Before I used the gloves and the new self statements, I couldn’t approach Niki without fear. Now the gloves served as a natural reinforcer to my target behavior.

But my analysis of my observations quickly gleaned another aspect I hadn’t considered; Niki’s behavior wasn’t getting better. In fact, it was worsening because he hated the gloves. And our other pets were suffering as well because Niki’s moods were worsening. I had to get rid of the gloves. This was a little distressing for me because the gloves gave me a sense of comfort. Even when Niki attacked me, which he did more frequently with the gloves on, he couldn’t hurt me because of the material.

I had to rely on my reinforcers more the second week. The number of times I stepped back actually rose from the previous week, though Niki’s lunges remained about the same. However, the self statements worked wonders for my confidence level. When Niki lunged, I was able to say my reinterpretive statement and not step back. When he jumped out at me to attack, I was able to using my coping statement and deflect his attack. The feedback my boyfriend gave me when I was successful in not stepping back also provided reinforcement.

My final week of analysis shows that I had met my goals of not stepping back at least three times. I also learned by not stepping back, the confidence I felt was naturally spreading over to other behaviors that I wanted to work on with Niki. After the three week period ended, I went back to my natural schedule with Niki but kept up with my behavior plan. My techniques were successful, though I would probably use a different reinforcer than the gloves if I were to do it over.

I will keep my reinforcers in place as I work toward new goals – not stepping back 100 % of the time. In addition, I would eventually like to be able to handle Niki without the stick and without using my reinforcers. I will assess monthly if my target behavior decreases and how the behavior leads to generalization over other behaviors. Once I’ve achieved 100 %, I will decrease my reinforcers using an intermittent schedule.


Part 2 of 3: I Am The Dominant Bird: A Study In Behavioral Change

December 13, 2007

Functional Analysis & Behavioral Plan

One target behavior I identified through observation that week was stepping back when Nikki lunged at me in attack mode. Niki was presenting a test by lunging before his attack. By stepping back, I was reinforcing his dominance over me. He would then press on to attack, which served as a reinforcement of my fear of him. It was a cyclic process that was progressively worsening. At the point that I started my behavioral analysis, I was stepping back from his lunges 100% of the time.

Niki2

 

My objective then became to not step back when Niki lunged at me, during feeding time and socialization interactions, at least three times a week for three weeks. In order to be successful at this, I had to find alternative responses to stepping back from Niki. The alternative responses I chose were to not step back, to allow him to jump out if he was so inclined, and to use my hands to block his attack without hurting him.

In order to choose these alternative responses, I needed several items to build my confidence. One was a set of gloves that went up to mid-forearm that his beak wouldn’t be able to penetrate. In combination with the stick I already used to move him around from place to place, the gloves would help my confidence level. I also wore full clothing (including shoes) so once Niki was on the ground, I wouldn’t step back again.

Next I identified reinforcers for my new behavior. I knew my strongest reinforcers would be covert based on my functional analysis. I chose praise and feedback as my reinforcers. I knew I had to praise myself when I managed to not step back with Niki. But I also asked my boyfriend to assist me in this manner by praising me as well. I also asked him to provide positive feedback by letting me know when I was doing something right in handling Niki.

I noticed a pattern in my negative thoughts during the week of observation. I realized then that incorporating thought stopping, coping statements, and reinterpretive statements into my plan were necessary. I decided when I was experiencing those negative thoughts, I would immediately say or think “Stop, Monica!” and then I would use “You can do this,” in place of the negative thought. I also chose a reinterpretative statement regarding Niki. One of my most prominent negative thoughts during the observation was “This bird hates me!” I chose to use “Niki is behaving this way because it is what he learned,” as my statement instead of the previous negative thought.

Niki & Gilligan2

The method I chose to collect my data was once again direct assessment, as was the case for my functional analysis. I chose to record the frequency in which I did not step back and also the magnitude of my fear during that time. I would log the number of times Niki lunged and the number of times I stepped back as a result. Since I had set my interactions with Niki at three times a day (morning feeding time and socialization time where he was moved back and forth between his cage and his perch), I had three possible opportunities to use my reinforcers and learn my new behavior. I would use these metrics to base my success on whether I met my goals.


Part 1 of 3: I Am The Dominant Bird: A Study In Behavioral Change

December 12, 2007

Note: This is a three part series from my applied behavioral analysis class. I completed a behavioral change project where I performed a behavioral analysis, identified a target behavior to change, created and implemented a behavior modification plan, and reported on it in a 5 page essay. These are my stories.

History of Behavior

I recently welcomed two rescue birds into my home. Amazon parrots are beautiful, amazing creatures. Wild birds of this nature are the third most popular pet in the United States. Unfortunately, more than 80 % of these birds end up abused, neglected, and eventually abandoned by their owners. Many of these birds end up with behavioral problems.

Niki & Gilligan

Wild birds are pack animals and naturally establish a pecking order in their flock. This is true in their human’s home as well. Birds seek a sense of security from their flock, and strong leadership will ensure survival of the flock and of the individual birds. After an initial adjustment period, this flocking instinct and pecking order became evident in my home.

The two birds who joined my household are a blue-fronted Amazon named Niki, and a spectacled Amazon named Gilligan. Niki had suffered abuse from previous homes. The previous owner did not physical hurt Niki, but she also did not provide the structure and boundaries that Niki needed to feel safe. As a result, he came to be the dominant bird and was physically aggressive towards people, especially women.

Niki established his dominance over me two weeks after coming to the house. At first, this involved a lot of what is known as cage-dancing –intimidating behavior that included wing-spreading, bobbing up and down, and moving frantically around when I was near. He then began lunging at me when I would get close. It progressed to biting whenever I would attempt to touch him or feed him. The culmination of his establishing dominance over me was a direct attack to my face that resulted in a large bite and a black eye.

At this point, I was terrified of this bird. My reaction to this final event was to cease all interaction with this bird. I no longer attempted to connect with this bird or try to bond with him. I stayed a good distance away from him so as to avoid contact. It was then I decided to use the techniques I’d been learning in this class to help me with this problem.

I knew I needed to overcome my fear, and I knew it had to start with my behavior first. I decided to develop a behavioral plan that would assist me in this goal. The functional analysis of my behavior with Niki coincided with a week my boyfriend would be out of town. I resolved to socialize the birds every night and write my observations of our interactions. The results of my observations provided insight into my behavior as well as the Niki’s behavior.

niki.jpg


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