I’ve was asked recently if I’ve started looking again for another girlfriend. The question of whether Jeff and I are looking for a “third” as a replacement also came up. I giggle a little inside every time this question is asked, even though I know people don’t mean it as it sounds. As if I can so easily replace a beloved person who was a part of my love life for almost two years, not to mention the previous four years of friendship I shared with this woman.
Honestly, I’m having a hard time with the thought of dating anyone else right now. I can’t fathom searching for another love when I’m still so twisted inside over my previous lover. I have a lot of self-directed anger with regards to the relationship over not facing the truth sooner, not trusting my instincts more, and for not being stronger to walk away. I thought I was stronger than how I acted, and I feel let down by the fact that I’m not. I know folks may say that I was strong enough to try this unusual relationship, strong enough to stick it out even during rough times, even strong enough to love when I wasn’t sure the love was returned. But I don’t feel strong enough.
I will admit something here now that I’ve not admitted to anyone – I wanted out of the relationship mid-April. I contemplated ending the triad then because I was sick of the drama and I was doubly sick of being blamed for the drama when I knew it wasn’t me. But I was scared of what it would mean to my relationship with Jeff. I was afraid that I would have to walk away from Jeff as well in order to get out of the triad. I wasn’t ready for that. I knew we were compatible, and we had a lot going for us. I wasn’t ready to walk away from that because of someone else. I wasn’t ready to lose us.
So, being the logical creature I am, naturally, I reviewed my options. I could break up with my girlfriend, let the two of them date, and keep dating Jeff separately. But given our history, knowing what our girlfriend expected from a boyfriend, and given how she treated me and him – I could only see pain in that future. My second choice was to break up with both of them and go solo. But as I already stated, I didn’t want to break up with Jeff. Finally, I could try to work it out in the triad even knowing I would have to live with the drama-prone antics of our girlfriend and her inability to really share in a relationship.
So I was in this state of limbo from mid-April until about mid-May. I couldn’t decide a path, because none of the outcomes were what I wanted for myself. In the end, it was really a case of what could I live with most. So I chose to stay in the triad and weather it as best as I could. And then we had the final meltdown at the end of May.
What transpired to cause the breakup is not important. We were once again at a point where it had gotten ugly strictly because of one person and the three of us were all feeling like crap and communication was gone. And once again, I said to myself – is this worth it? Why keep going through this when you know it is just one person? I stated in an earlier post that I made the personal decision to end the triad. And it’s partially true. I did decide I couldn’t do it anymore even if it meant losing my relationship with Jeff, as painful and hard as it was to come to that decision. We all got together to talk it out once more, and my intent was to end it even if it meant I had to break up with both of them. But in the end, it was Jeff who said he couldn’t do it anymore.
I wasn’t expecting that. We hadn’t talked about any of it before – we’d lost that ability months and months before. So going into the discussion, I was sure he wanted to us both to keep trying with her – to give her the benefit of the doubt yet again. I was certain that even if I said no, that he would choose to be with her still. When he ended the triad, I was in such shock all I could do was nod my head in agreement. And that is where most of my anger at myself comes from – knowing that I wasn’t strong enough to do it on my own. I can’t even say with certainty now that, if Jeff hadn’t done the breaking up, that I could have followed through with my own breakup plan.
So it’s hard to open myself up and be receptive to finding love outside the relationship I have now. I don’t trust myself to be strong enough to handle it. What if it turns ugly again? Will I be strong enough to stand up for my convictions and for my needs? Will I be strong enough stand up for the wonderful and loving relationship I have now with Jeff, especially if someone else isn’t as committed to treasuring and nurturing that love?
There is comfort now in the love Jeff and I share. The two of us still being together even after the demise of the triad may prove to others that Jeff loves me, but I never needed the proof. I saw it in his eyes every day. I saw it in the things he did for me out of the goodness of his heart. I see it now today just as I did then. I even see it when we are with others, in the way he will glance at me to see if I’m alright. I know he loves – I’ve always known; his love for me is never in doubt. It is that love that kept me trying long after I myself would’ve walked away.
There is contentment in what we share now – the life, the lovers, the friends. We are learning again how to be ourselves with each other. We are learning how to communicate again, now that communication isn’t looked at as a threat but as a joy that should be shared between and amongst lovers. We are learning how to share our lives in the path we’ve chosen separately and together.
I am content with what I have now.
Someday I want to get to the point where – if love presents its beauty to me again in the form of another person, or a couple, with Jeff or through Jeff – I can accept it and not question it as I did for the past two years.
I hope I find my way.