an existential keekah

I’ve never been accused of walking away from anything. At times, I feel people think I’m too confrontational. I can beat a point to death like it was a serial rapist who dared to break into my house. I prefer talking issues out over avoiding them and pretending everything is perfect. I’m just not made any other way.

I’m also not shy at sharing when I’ve been hurt by someone whom I care about and who I feel also cares about me. In fact, I recently got myself in trouble by posting right after a confrontation with a friend that left me feeling rejected, hurt, and yes, a little abandoned. This friend then sent me a scathing email in response to the post placing the blame for our argument squarely on my shoulders, absolving herself of any responsibility, and throwing on top of all of it the fact that she found me a horrible friend – as if it were icing on this guilt cake she been waiting to shove down my throat.

Now. I am far from perfect. I admit that I’ve made choices during our friendship that were less than perfect. I’ve unintentionally caused my friend pain, and when she pointed it out to me (much in the same manner I would’ve done to her), I’ve apologized for my mistakes and worked at not repeating them. She always said she forgave me, and we moved on. But I guess it was all face talk, because in that email, she threw those circumstances right back in my face as proof that I was a horrible person apparently put on this earth to intentionally cause her pain.

Since that email, I’ve thought of her numerous times, almost called her so many times I’ve lost count BUT then I remember that email. The email where it was made clear to me I was less than a stellar friend in her opinion. And I find myself at a loss for words. I don’t know how to respond to this person with whom I’ve always shared what I thought was a loving and supportive friendship. What do you say to someone you love who has thrown these kind of accusations in your face? Especially when other people have done far worse to this friend, and she kept them in her life without the recriminations like the ones hurled at me via email.

I admit that what started this whole ugly mess was that I was upset with her. You see, my ex-girlfriend is now dating her boyfriend’s brother. I unfortunately know this fact because my friend felt the need to tell me. Everything. About. It. About the fact that my ex is deliriously happy, and the ex and the brother have this amazing connection, and the four of them are so close and they share every moment together. Isn’t that just spiffy?

Not really wanting to hear all about how my ex has moved on after breaking my heart, I asked my friend to maybe not mention my ex so much to me. Her response to me was that she would try, but she didn’t want to compromise her own integrity by feeling she had to lie to me. So for her, it was a choice between consideration of my feelings and what she felt was her integrity. By asking her not to share the ex’s love life with me, I was asking her to be a liar.

I’ll be honest – I don’t get her position – even now after so much time has passed. I was hurt and upset that she couldn’t understand my pain, especially when she knew what the three of us had been through in the triad. I felt the fact that she wanted to share every little aspect of my ex’s new relationship was more important to my friend than the fact that hearing it caused me pain. And I said this to my friend – I didn’t pretend it didn’t bother me. I asked for her consideration. She then shared the same information with Jeff, who had to deal with knowing as well.

We both loved our ex deeply and the break up was not easy and left us with our own personal scars. Maybe some folks can break up with someone and immediately get over it, and you know what? Props to them. I am not built that way. I love deeply, and when hurt, bleed as deeply as I love.

After I posted the rant on my blog and after my friend sent that email, we agreed mutually, if somewhat hostilely, that a break from each other was needed. I continued to live my life because, well, it keeps happening. It doesn’t stop because my heart is broken over losing a very important person in my life. I don’t really know how to mend a rift I didn’t even know existed until that email. All I asked for was consideration and what I got was accusations. I am at a loss.

But I wasn’t the only one who “walked away.” For myself, I realized I needed to accept some aspects in my friend’s life took precedence over my friendship with her. There isn’t any room in my friend’s life for consideration of my broken heart. I also considered that maybe these accusations, while obviously part of something bigger between us, were the excuse she needed to focus on those other aspects of her life.

We all have our lives to live. We all make our choices.

This entry was posted on Thursday, November 15th, 2007 at 5:41 pm and is filed under All About Me, friends, loss, Truths. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.