In my last serious post, I promised that I would talk about what I let happen, what I made happen, and the fears and insecurities that led me down that path when I was in my triad relationship. So I think what I’ll do for this post is start with my fears and insecurities and talk through them via this blog. Most of what I admit today is stuff I’ve already worked through internally. It came out in blog posts previous to this, without going into specifics.
After thinking it through, I can break down my fears into three main ones:
1. I was afraid my girlfriend was not as into me as she was into our boyfriend. I was scared getting to know him and falling in love him was more important to her than knowing and loving me.
2. I was afraid the New Relationship Energy (NRE) they were experiencing together would overtake any and all feelings of love they had for me – that I wouldn’t be as important as the NRE feelings.
3. I was afraid that I would end up in a relationship where they loved me but they were madly in love with each other and the balance would not be right. I didn’t want to end up in a relationship like I’ve seen so many times – where one partner is all in love and the other, or in this case others, weren’t.
As you can see, these fears aren’t really all that weird. These are typical fears when talking about any type of relationship, albeit I had two partners. I was asked by others during my triad relationship, “aren’t you worried they love each other more?” and “aren’t you worried she’s just doing this (relationship) to get him?” And yes, yes I was.
But whether or not my feelings had any validity was moot. The fears were real to me, and they played a huge factor in how I related to both of my partners. My interactions with either of them were colored by these fears, and my perceptions were often skewed based on which fear was most prevalent at the time. Let me explain…
In the early stages of our relationship, Jeff often would bear the brunt of my fears. I was so caught up in my insecurities regarding our girlfriend that he was often the one who would have to deal with the fallout. I put a lot of pressure on him unknowingly – pressure in that he felt somewhat responsible for the success of the relationship between our girlfriend and me. He was in the middle, and it took me many months to realize I was doing what I was doing.
Once he was in the middle, it was difficult for him to step out of that role. Even when I finally realized what I was doing and worked on not putting him there, he often put himself there towards the end. Trying to act as a referee during the arguments, he would find himself teetering between two people and having to choose sides.
With my girlfriend, my fears colored every one of her actions. I would go searching for truth to my fears; a sense of validity that would prove what I was feeling was accurate. I didn’t want to be right, but at the same time, I wanted some acknowledgement that I wasn’t crazy.
I did a disservice to both my partners by not learning to work through my fears and insecurities in a more productive manner early in our relationship. What I’ve learned since then is that I will more than likely continue to have fears and insecurities – after all, I’m still human. But they need not control me so fiercely; to the point where it interferes with my ability to communicate with my partner or partners –whatever the future holds.
I know many of you are going to ask/wonder, well were any of your fears valid? I’ve debated on what to share and what is better left unsaid so as not to make anyone the bad guy in the relationship. It is never my intention to bad mouth or make anyone feel guilty for past behaviors. I don’t want anyone to take this post and say, see, I knew it!
My motivation for sharing is that I truly hope someone, anyone, will read my posts and question their own beliefs and actions towards the loved ones in their life. I believe we all want to grow as individuals. I also believe that we can help each other to grow, to realize our potential. I’m egotistical enough to believe that I can assist others with this just by sharing my own experiences and my own feelings.
What one has to keep in mind is that, as individuals, we all come to the table with our own agendas. We all have agendas when dealing with other people. If you think you don’t, then you are lying to yourself. Even Mother Theresa had personal motivations when dealing with the world. The results of her actions based on those motivations just happened to bring a lot of love and comfort to the world. Who can fault her that?
When I first envisioned my triad relationship, my vision included an adoring boyfriend and an adoring girlfriend. Adoring me, mind you. But these folks were their own people – with their own agendas. Just like me.
But what you, dear reader, wonder is – was there a basis to my fears?
Yes, sadly there was some validation when it came to my girlfriend. Though it took almost two years for the truth, it did finally come out that her primary drive throughout our relationship was to build a relationship with our boyfriend. She shared with me that she did care about me, but not in the way that was needed to maintain a shared relationship amongst three people. And certainly not in a way that would nurture a romantic relationship between her and me. The discord that was prevalent during our relationship was deeply grounded on that sad, not-so-pretty fact.
I do believe she loved me as best as she could. I even believe to some extent that she really did want the triad to work. I can’t pretend to understand her motivations for wanting it to work. I can’t pretend it didn’t hurt to have her validate my fears, especially when she spent the previous year and a half telling me I was imagining it. I won’t even lie that what hurts the most is knowing that she pursued a relationship with both of us, when what she really wanted was a relationship with Jeff. But this is the price we sometimes pay by opening ourselves up to people with love, trust, and faith. Sometimes their own private, unshared agendas bite us in the ass and break our hearts.
I try never to regret. I try not to let this type of negative experience hinder me in my quest to grow as a person. I could label all women as horrible and look at them as enemies. I could say this proves that polyamory doesn’t work and demand monogamy from my current relationship. I can even hide in a cave and never meet new people so that I can protect my feelings, my heart, and myself.
Or I can try to keep it in perspective. This was one person – one relationship – one experience. We are all people trying to find our own way to connect with the people in our world. We all make mistakes. Hopefully, we learn from them. I will continue to work through my personal fears and insecurities and continue to improve on the communication between my love and me. And I will let my heart continue to lead me where it sees fit. Because I want to be a loving person and I want to share that love with others who have the same vision.
Is it still polyamory if one partner meets someone who isn’t truly bi but is ok with having to share a partner? K seemed to be experimenting and wasn’t truly a poly? Maybe next time you should meet a girl on your own under a poly setting then introduce Jeff?
Being bi is not a pre-requisite of being poly, but it does make poly relationships more easy and more fun! Especially if people are open to sharing the love – and not just in a sexual way. Jeff is not bi but that doesn’t pose a problem for him if I were to find another man I wanted to be in a relationship with – it would only be a problem if the mystery man made it a problem by not respecting the relationship Jeff and I have created. It would also mean that said man/person wouldn’t really love me, since they could so easily disrespect my existing relationship.
Sharing is at the center of poly. You can be a monogamous person in love and involved with a poly person who practices multiple relationships – and that would mean you are a monogamous person in a poly relationship. You can also be a poly person in love and involved with a monogamous person and neither have outside relationships – and that would mean you are poly living in a monogamous relationship. I’ve seen both scenarios. Ultimately it’s what works for everyone involved. Some poly people need absolute freedom to date and love whom they choose with no opposition from their partners. And some poly folk choose to live in either monogamous relationships or partially closed relationships (say a triad where all three partners are exclusive to each other.)
I won’t speculate on anyone’s motivations except my own. What I know of my triad and the issues within it I’ve shared because it is what I knew to be true. I can’t pretend to understand the motivations of either of my partners polyness – either one of them – unless they choose to share it with me and be honest about it.
I also can say that I am open to whatever relationship configuration or whomever the next person is that enters my life, Jeff’s life, or both our lives. Ideally, I would love a shared love relationship with one or more people who are all open to sharing with everyone else. Sounds hippy I know.
I don’t think I could search for my own bi or lesbian girl and expect her to love and be involved with Jeff. Any more than I can expect another man to enter my existing relationship and fall in love with Jeff. That isn’t what happened in my last relationship either. We just happened to have three consenting adults who all said there was a shared mutual attraction for everyone involved. That didn’t turn out to be entirely what happened. All anyone can do is work with the truth as it is shared with them. If someone is being false, then someone else is being played… and that’s true in monogamous relationships as well.
Wow, what an honest analysis of your relationship. I am with one man right now, and we’d like to have a triad relationship with another woman, but we’re cautious – we don’t want to actively work on making this scenario happen but would rather let it happen if the situation feels right. It can be hard for two people to be on the same page, much less three. I would definitely want her to be bi and for everyone to be into each other.
Thanks for sharing your experiences! I love your outlook on life.
Thank, TBK.
All I would say to you is that you have to remember this third you eventually introduce into your relationship is a person with her own wants and needs. She may really believe she can live up to what you and your man want, she may even really want it too. But the reality is that sometimes it doesn’t work that way.
I believe that, in my triad, we all wanted what you are searching for as well – but the reality was that my ex ended up wanting just our boyfriend. And that played heavily on the rest of the dynamic, especially when she refused to admit it.
No relationship is always balanced. That’s the best advice I can give. Love is a funny thing and when you throw a relationship into the mix, it gets all crazy quirky.
Reading this post gave me a lot of insight into a similar situation I went through and gave me some different perspectives that I hadn’t considered before. I recently learned the same thing about my ex, as she admitted to me that she couldn’t be what I needed. After she came clean with all this, did you ever wonder if she simply gave the answer because you doubted for so long and came to believe it herself? Or that it was simply the truth she was afraid to face the entire time? I’ve been wondering this about myself for a while because of the type of person my ex girlfriend was and still is. Or maybe I’m just looking too deeply into this.
I’ve never really looked at my relationships as the other person being what I needed them to be. I loved them for who they were – with that said, I did want to be treated as the girlfriend she claimed I was to her and who she loved – but she couldn’t make that transition. She had wants and expectations of our boyfriend but rarely of me. I was barely even her friend at times – especially if I was in between her and our boyfriend.
I don’t think in this case it was a self-fulfilling prophecy. I think I was blinded by my love and my own desires for a loving, committed relationship from her AND blinded by my love for our boyfriend and his wants and desires, that I refused to believe what was plain as day – she didn’t love me like I deserved.
You can never look to deep in my opinion – self-awareness requires that you delve deeply and always look.
[...] road to hell paved with? Oh yeah, good intentions. Well, I guess I can take comfort in the fact I’ve remained true to my initial promise to myself. I’ve kept my heart open, I’ve let it lead me where it will, and hopefully my reward is [...]