In my last serious post, I promised that I would talk about what I let happen, what I made happen, and the fears and insecurities that led me down that path when I was in my triad relationship. So I think what I’ll do for this post is start with my fears and insecurities and talk through them via this blog. Most of what I admit today is stuff I’ve already worked through internally. It came out in blog posts previous to this, without going into specifics.
After thinking it through, I can break down my fears into three main ones:
1. I was afraid my girlfriend was not as into me as she was into our boyfriend. I was scared getting to know him and falling in love him was more important to her than knowing and loving me.
2. I was afraid the New Relationship Energy (NRE) they were experiencing together would overtake any and all feelings of love they had for me – that I wouldn’t be as important as the NRE feelings.
3. I was afraid that I would end up in a relationship where they loved me but they were madly in love with each other and the balance would not be right. I didn’t want to end up in a relationship like I’ve seen so many times – where one partner is all in love and the other, or in this case others, weren’t.
As you can see, these fears aren’t really all that weird. These are typical fears when talking about any type of relationship, albeit I had two partners. I was asked by others during my triad relationship, “aren’t you worried they love each other more?” and “aren’t you worried she’s just doing this (relationship) to get him?” And yes, yes I was.
But whether or not my feelings had any validity was moot. The fears were real to me, and they played a huge factor in how I related to both of my partners. My interactions with either of them were colored by these fears, and my perceptions were often skewed based on which fear was most prevalent at the time. Let me explain…
In the early stages of our relationship, Jeff often would bear the brunt of my fears. I was so caught up in my insecurities regarding our girlfriend that he was often the one who would have to deal with the fallout. I put a lot of pressure on him unknowingly – pressure in that he felt somewhat responsible for the success of the relationship between our girlfriend and me. He was in the middle, and it took me many months to realize I was doing what I was doing.
Once he was in the middle, it was difficult for him to step out of that role. Even when I finally realized what I was doing and worked on not putting him there, he often put himself there towards the end. Trying to act as a referee during the arguments, he would find himself teetering between two people and having to choose sides.
With my girlfriend, my fears colored every one of her actions. I would go searching for truth to my fears; a sense of validity that would prove what I was feeling was accurate. I didn’t want to be right, but at the same time, I wanted some acknowledgement that I wasn’t crazy.
I did a disservice to both my partners by not learning to work through my fears and insecurities in a more productive manner early in our relationship. What I’ve learned since then is that I will more than likely continue to have fears and insecurities – after all, I’m still human. But they need not control me so fiercely; to the point where it interferes with my ability to communicate with my partner or partners –whatever the future holds.
I know many of you are going to ask/wonder, well were any of your fears valid? I’ve debated on what to share and what is better left unsaid so as not to make anyone the bad guy in the relationship. It is never my intention to bad mouth or make anyone feel guilty for past behaviors. I don’t want anyone to take this post and say, see, I knew it!
My motivation for sharing is that I truly hope someone, anyone, will read my posts and question their own beliefs and actions towards the loved ones in their life. I believe we all want to grow as individuals. I also believe that we can help each other to grow, to realize our potential. I’m egotistical enough to believe that I can assist others with this just by sharing my own experiences and my own feelings.
What one has to keep in mind is that, as individuals, we all come to the table with our own agendas. We all have agendas when dealing with other people. If you think you don’t, then you are lying to yourself. Even Mother Theresa had personal motivations when dealing with the world. The results of her actions based on those motivations just happened to bring a lot of love and comfort to the world. Who can fault her that?
When I first envisioned my triad relationship, my vision included an adoring boyfriend and an adoring girlfriend. Adoring me, mind you. But these folks were their own people – with their own agendas. Just like me.
But what you, dear reader, wonder is – was there a basis to my fears?
Yes, sadly there was some validation when it came to my girlfriend. Though it took almost two years for the truth, it did finally come out that her primary drive throughout our relationship was to build a relationship with our boyfriend. She shared with me that she did care about me, but not in the way that was needed to maintain a shared relationship amongst three people. And certainly not in a way that would nurture a romantic relationship between her and me. The discord that was prevalent during our relationship was deeply grounded on that sad, not-so-pretty fact.
I do believe she loved me as best as she could. I even believe to some extent that she really did want the triad to work. I can’t pretend to understand her motivations for wanting it to work. I can’t pretend it didn’t hurt to have her validate my fears, especially when she spent the previous year and a half telling me I was imagining it. I won’t even lie that what hurts the most is knowing that she pursued a relationship with both of us, when what she really wanted was a relationship with Jeff. But this is the price we sometimes pay by opening ourselves up to people with love, trust, and faith. Sometimes their own private, unshared agendas bite us in the ass and break our hearts.
I try never to regret. I try not to let this type of negative experience hinder me in my quest to grow as a person. I could label all women as horrible and look at them as enemies. I could say this proves that polyamory doesn’t work and demand monogamy from my current relationship. I can even hide in a cave and never meet new people so that I can protect my feelings, my heart, and myself.
Or I can try to keep it in perspective. This was one person – one relationship – one experience. We are all people trying to find our own way to connect with the people in our world. We all make mistakes. Hopefully, we learn from them. I will continue to work through my personal fears and insecurities and continue to improve on the communication between my love and me. And I will let my heart continue to lead me where it sees fit. Because I want to be a loving person and I want to share that love with others who have the same vision.
Posted by mmkeekah 
