Sharing. It sounds like an easy concept. It is the central theme in polyamory beyond the premise of loving more than one person. Many poly folk will talk at you about jealousy management, owning your feelings and other such concepts. But at the heart of the matter is sharing.
We are taught as kids that sharing is a good thing. We are taught to share our toys with other kids and our mom with other siblings. We are scolded if we are selfish and rewarded if we are generous.
How we lose these teachings when it comes to matters of the heart is indeed a mystery. Better folks than myself have studied love and marriage throughout our history. And most studies can prove either side – we are monogamous by nature or we are not monogamous by nature. I can’t pretend to grasp which side is right. But I know neither side focuses on sharing.
It would seem such an easy concept.
But when it comes to love, we grow up believing we will find our one soulmate, get married and live happily ever after. And if someone tries to take our love, we are taught to fight for it – by the same people who ironically enough scolded us if we didn’t share. These teachings of holding on to our love through thick and thin are time-honored and deeply ingrained. For some of us, perhaps, so ingrained that we will never appreciate the true beauty that polyamory signifies.
That love – far from a finite resource – is something best shared with everyone.
When I was in high school and as I grew older, I often had thoughts about this higher concept of love – not in a sexual way – but in a why-can’t-we-all-just-get-along kind of way. My happiest memories as a young 20-something was a group of friends I had where sharing was initially why we got together – again not in a sexual way. Just a group of people with shared interests and a shared love.
I won’t pretend that sharing is easy, especially when you talk about something as precious as a love relationship. I’ve had my own issues dealing with sharing my relationship. It sure is a risk to open your heart and your relationship up to outside people who have their own agenda, their own needs, their own wants. The truth is, sharing your lover with another is somewhat an untruth because you can never truly share in their relationship. The truth is that other relationship is a private one between two people – just as yours is with your lover or with each of your lovers.
So how can I talk about sharing a relationship? Well here’s the thing – just because your lover has a relationship with another, and may have private moments with another, it doesn’t have to take away from your relationship unless you let it. Listen – unless you and you alone let it. Remember – love does not have to be treated like a finite resource. If you can open your heart, you will find love is all around.
But you have to be able to grasp what sharing really means – letting go enough and knowing that what you give out will come back, if you are with the right person or people. You have to be able to really share because sometimes – it ain’t gonna be about you. Sometimes you will have to watch your partner with some one else, or watch your partners be together, and you will have to find the frubbly happiness inside you. And know their love is as special as the love you have for one or both of them. You will have to take joy in the beauty of their love for each other and know it can only add to the love you have inside yourself.
Not everyone can do it – I’m learning that as I go. But I believe for myself that – in the long run – my heart and my life will be better for what I’ve learned from polyamory.
woo! exactly!
Thanks, Heidi. I always appreciate your responses.
I think I had more to say about sharing… along the lines of what the definition of sharing really is … many of us still take an ego-centric look at it – you are sharing with me. When in reality sharing is not necessarily about one person. If that makes sense… fodder for another blog at another date…
You have to ask yourself, what is the meaning of life?
Each person has their own perspective. From a biological standpoint, the meaning of life is for your genes to survive. For most living things, this means kids. If there were 2 men and one woman involved in a relationship, it is completely possible that one man’s genes wouldn’t carry on because eggs can only be fertilized by one sperm. Hence jealousy and the behaviors that go with it will raise your changes of being the daddy.
On the other hand, a woman has a different set of problems. She KNOWS she is the mother and that her genes will carry on. The issue now lies in the survival of her offspring. A child has a better chance of survival if it has a dedicated father who can provide resources for the family. If that man would have two women, there is a possibility that he would have to split his resources. Not a good situation for the child, hence a woman’s jealousy.
Polyamory is a viable lifestyle if you can rationalize away the biological need for your genes to survive.
This raises the question: Why do those who live this lifestyle not have a biological drive to carry on their genes?
Just a curious question. Not judging.
I don’t think you can say that those who live this lifestyle don’t have a need – biological (or illogical in my book) or otherwise – for children. Many practicing polys actively pursue the joys of parenthood.
I think the carrying on your genes argument would be valid if we didn’t live in an overcrowded, overpopulated world and if all the existing children were cared for properly. But it’s hard to use this as a rationalization, when the facts are hardly rational.
But in interest of keeping up dialogue – why does it have to be a competition? Especially given that in today’s world men and women are mostly even – in that women can provide financially for their own offspring. Now we are taking multiple people in a shared household – sharing child-rearing duties, life responsibilities, and loving one another. Seems there is flip side to your argument, wouldn’t you say?
There is a flipside to my arguement. You are assuming that the child being raised by 3 people is yours but one person will be raising a child that isn’t their own. I’m not saying that a child can’t grow up to be perfectly healthy in a Poly household. I’m just saying that at least one person won’t be ensuring that their genes are carried on.
Seems like the only biological solution is raising 3 clones, or mixing dna of 3 people which i’m sure is just around the corner.
I believe that man is monogomous by nature. One theory about human sexuality is that humans are one of the few mammals that don’t have a “fertility display” given by women. Monkies butts turn red, pheramones etc. The theory is that this evolved to keep the man at the side of a woman. He stays around to prevent a rival from impregnating her. This ensures that young benefit from the resources provided by two parents, or that someone is around to throw the trash in my case. *GRIN*
As nice as you are, I don’t believe for a minute that you have a grand plan of saving the world by not having a child.
And what difference does it make that others mistreat their children? This has always happened. Children from previous generations had to live with disease, war and poverty. What do kids today have to worry about..Wham breaking up? September 11th where 2819 out of a world population of 6,525,170,264 died? We live better than kings, especially in America.
I agree that the world is over populated, but most people won’t let that get in the way of their biological drive to spread their genes.
good book
http://www.amazon.com/Why-Sex-Fun-Evolution-Sexuality/dp/0465031269/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1/102-4497745-6696935?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1176508964&sr=8-1
I think you have some really valid points and thanks for sharing your thoughts. In your scenario of three people – for me it doesn’t have to be limited to one child. If the relationship configuration is male, male, female – then it could be that the female has one (or more) child by each male. In a female, female, male configuration – the male can impregnate both females. And everyone’s genes get propagated. And that is just in a triad configuration. Poly encompasses many different make up of relationships – quads, singles dating multiple partners, group families, etc.
By the way, I believe monogamy works for some people. I believe that some people are monogamous and can only be monogamous. I am not judging either. Whatever works for those involved. It just doesn’t work for me. But my sharing comments could extend to the monogamous world – they should. As I said, I am not an expert as to who is right on either side of the monogamy vs. non-monogamy argument.
But to continue our discussion – In your view, love and commitment are a limited value resource. If a person goes outside their relationship and shares with another, it somehow is taking away from what the original couple shared. In my view, resources – including sperm, eggs, etc – are something that can be shared. And if all involved are in love and choose to combine all their resources and build a life together – then there are more mothers, more fathers and more love. Again, why does it have to be a competition? Especially if, as you have stated, if we have evolved.
It matters in my world if children are mistreated. i don’t mean to go all “We Are The World” on you but take care of the ones here and now – make it better for us all. But that’s me.
And no. I’m not nice enough to believe I can save the world by not having a child. I just don’t have the need to create one of my own. If and when I feel the “urge” – there are so many children in this world that need love and support, I would start there.
Thanks for the book read – it’s going on my wish list!
Is there such a thing as male, male, female? I’d be interested in reading any blogs of people who have kids and live Poly.
It’s very cool that you would consider adopting. I think that is the most unselfish act anyone could do, dedicating resources to raising a child that doesn’t carry your genes.
How do you feel about old school Mormons? I find the sociology behind alternative lifestyles very interesting and wonder why their church changed their stance on bigamy. Kinda weird that the word bigamy holds a negative connotation but I don’t’ mean it that way.
Forget about feeding the world, how about starting with helping change Madison’s diaper! hehe
I don’t have a specific blog that has a M-M-F triad. But there is a link in my Poly Links to Quad – two couples joining there considerable families together. Not what you were looking for I know – plus I’m on a few yahoo groups where folks comment about functioning triads – I will admit many are F-F-M but I know of at least two M-M-F triads. Don’t know them personally, but read them often on the groups.
Keep on eye out on my Poly Links – I have been reading many blogs and will be updating my links accordingly.
Jack, Chrissy and Janet were ahead of their time.
Do you all still have match.com accounts?
I just realized I didn’t answer your questions about Mormons. First and foremost, I don’t believe in organized religion of any type. I believe that all religions have corrupted what in essence should be a beautiful concept – belief and faith in a higher power, a higher design. Corrupted it in a way only mankind can – by making it a competition and using it to bring others down. I don’t understand that way of thinking.
I believe if a group of people want to practice bigamy, then they should be allowed to – some people – men and women both -really believe in its concept. However, people in power corrupt those concepts as well. Like forcing teenagers to marry old, decrepit men in the interest of propating their genes over other men. It’s sad what we do to ourselves. It’s the very thing that attracts me to polyamory – even though it can be corrupted as well. I cannot control what others do, but I am in control of my beliefs, my life, and myself.
I never had match.com but I have other dating accounts that are still out there. I’m not currently pursuing anyone outside of my relationship now but if I met someone I know that I would be supported in pursuing that relationship if I so chose.
Poor Jack had to pretend to be someone he is not to save face – doesn’t sound too far ahead of times for me (grin).
Last question:
Would jealousy be more difficult if you were with 2 men in your triad or less?
Since I haven’t been in one, I can’t really answer that question. There is certainly less jealousy from the M in my equation, but who knows how any of us would feel if the situation were different. Everyone is unique… jealousy is just an emotion, a by-product of fear, that can control your life if you let it. To me, jealousy is an opportunity to look at my fears.
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Thank you for your post!