Sharing. It sounds like an easy concept. It is the central theme in polyamory beyond the premise of loving more than one person. Many poly folk will talk at you about jealousy management, owning your feelings and other such concepts. But at the heart of the matter is sharing.
We are taught as kids that sharing is a good thing. We are taught to share our toys with other kids and our mom with other siblings. We are scolded if we are selfish and rewarded if we are generous.
How we lose these teachings when it comes to matters of the heart is indeed a mystery. Better folks than myself have studied love and marriage throughout our history. And most studies can prove either side – we are monogamous by nature or we are not monogamous by nature. I can’t pretend to grasp which side is right. But I know neither side focuses on sharing.
It would seem such an easy concept.
But when it comes to love, we grow up believing we will find our one soulmate, get married and live happily ever after. And if someone tries to take our love, we are taught to fight for it – by the same people who ironically enough scolded us if we didn’t share. These teachings of holding on to our love through thick and thin are time-honored and deeply ingrained. For some of us, perhaps, so ingrained that we will never appreciate the true beauty that polyamory signifies.
That love – far from a finite resource – is something best shared with everyone.
When I was in high school and as I grew older, I often had thoughts about this higher concept of love – not in a sexual way – but in a why-can’t-we-all-just-get-along kind of way. My happiest memories as a young 20-something was a group of friends I had where sharing was initially why we got together – again not in a sexual way. Just a group of people with shared interests and a shared love.
I won’t pretend that sharing is easy, especially when you talk about something as precious as a love relationship. I’ve had my own issues dealing with sharing my relationship. It sure is a risk to open your heart and your relationship up to outside people who have their own agenda, their own needs, their own wants. The truth is, sharing your lover with another is somewhat an untruth because you can never truly share in their relationship. The truth is that other relationship is a private one between two people – just as yours is with your lover or with each of your lovers.
So how can I talk about sharing a relationship? Well here’s the thing – just because your lover has a relationship with another, and may have private moments with another, it doesn’t have to take away from your relationship unless you let it. Listen – unless you and you alone let it. Remember – love does not have to be treated like a finite resource. If you can open your heart, you will find love is all around.
But you have to be able to grasp what sharing really means – letting go enough and knowing that what you give out will come back, if you are with the right person or people. You have to be able to really share because sometimes – it ain’t gonna be about you. Sometimes you will have to watch your partner with some one else, or watch your partners be together, and you will have to find the frubbly happiness inside you. And know their love is as special as the love you have for one or both of them. You will have to take joy in the beauty of their love for each other and know it can only add to the love you have inside yourself.
Not everyone can do it – I’m learning that as I go. But I believe for myself that – in the long run – my heart and my life will be better for what I’ve learned from polyamory.
Posted by mmkeekah 
