Whenever I reveal to someone that I am involved in a triad relationship where all three of us are in love, the first thing I hear from that person is, “I could never do that.”
It surprises me to hear that from just about everyone I’ve met (save for you Spaz – you are the first non-poly person who has embraced the triad with nary a negative thought) because my first thought upon learning about polyamory was – “Wow! what a neat concept! I could totally do that.”
I’d always considered myself a very open-minded, open-hearted kind of woman. I found marriage and most of my adult relationships very constrictive because of the mindset of those I dated (and the one I married.) I couldn’t grasp the concept in my head that, just because I fell in love with one person, that I was never to love anyone else and that even my platonic, loving friendships had to suffer because I was in love. It wasn’t just my lovers who expected me to love so narrowly, society also tried to teach me this thought process. So I shied away from serious relationships, focused on my many, many friendships, and found no-strings-attached nooky where I could. Even though I managed to fall in love twice during this time, neither of those friendships developed into anything serious at that time.
And then I met a man that didn’t believe in love the way standard society defined love. One of the most loving, open souls I’ve ever met. Our initial relationship was one of casual sex, but we fell in love and gradually realized that we shared a similar vein of thought with regards to love. He gave me a name for what that definition was – polyamory.
But I learned that, even though I’d found society’s definition of love preposterous and confining, I’d been ingrained with society’s beliefs nonetheless. I jumped full-fledged into poly’s pool and found myself wading through treacherous waters. Jealousy – insecurity – clinginess – fear – they were all my swimming companions. And as much as I longed to embrace polyamory and to give my love the freedom to be himself, I found I had a lot of work to do on myself along the way. Together, we opened our hearts to a third – our girlfriend – and we all began the growth process that would allow us to be together.
It is a process that is still continuing. It is sometimes quite a struggle. Sometimes it feels like we take many steps forward on the path – only to take many more steps back. But my girlfriend says to me all the time that the very fact that we have gone through all this stuff together and that we are still determined as a triad to be together speaks volumes of the love and commitment we have for each other. It is not always easy to break free from the bonds we put on ourselves. To break free from the restrictions we place on our own hearts and the hearts of those we love. But it is possible.
All any of us can do is love with an open heart and with the best of intentions. Love with compassion, listen with open ears, provide a shoulder to lean on, and hope for the best. So when someone tells me that they could never do poly, I always think in my heart – oh, you never know, you might surprise yourself.
Posted by mmkeekah 
