I was taking to a gay man friend of mine about being gay and what it means to an individual to come out after hiding it for so many years. Because I mentioned I didn’t understand why people had to make such a big deal about coming out… that I found it as exasperating as straight folks being so scared of it.
“To me,” I said, “It is almost like gay people have this chip on their shoulder when it comes to being gay and being accepted. I don’t really understand why you have to carry around a flag and proclaim your gayness to anyone who will listen. So, you’re gay. I don’t give a flying fuck. What I care about is the person behind the gayness… are you nice? Do you treat people well? Who you are despite your gayness – or your straightness for that matter – is what matters to me.”
“You have to understand for many of us there is a freedom in coming out. I’d pretended for so long that I was straight and that I liked women when deep down I knew what I really liked was men. So when I was finally able to admit it not only to myself, but to those around me, it was liberating. And I wanted everyone to know, so fuck them! Because being gay is so stigmatized, you expect to not be accepted and it makes you want to shove it down their throat.”
“I still don’t get it,” I said, though I understood. I just didn’t agree. The train of thought seems silly and destructive. It doesn’t benefit either party – neither the gay person wanting acceptance, nor the ignorant person who doesn’t understand that a person’s sexual preferences has nothing to do with their integrity and worthiness as a human.
If you are secure in yourself, you don’t have to own the label that explains a part of yourself in order to be comfortable in your own skin. You don’t have to carry a flag, or proclaim yourself part of one group, or consider yourself better because you like one way of life over another. All these silly, petty label wars seem inconsequential if you know yourself.
I don’t need you to know I’m bi or that I like peanut butter kisses or that I have a loving style different than yours. I like to share them with you because they are parts of me and they are fun to share. And I like to share. But I will never use who I am to make myself better than others. Nor will I pick up a flag and march in a parade to prove who I am . It’s just not me.
