I miss my mother tonight. It is a deep ache within my chest. I imagine I would find comfort in the soft touch of her hand as it wiped the tears from my cheeks. I imagine solace could be mine within her warm, soothing hug. I imagine she would rub my hurting head to calm the throbbing beneath. I can only imagine.
Would I even have that type of relationship with her were she alive? Maybe we wouldn’t be close, maybe I wouldn’t share with her all my thoughts, all my troubles, all my hurts. Maybe we would be like other mother/daughters I know who struggle to know each other even a little bit in this big, mean world.
Would she understand me? Would she approve? Would her heart be big enough to accept? Is my heart big enough?
So many questions… it seems that’s all I have. And the dried tears on my fingertips as I type these words. I ache to know, I ache with want, I ache… for so much and it seems I will never have it.
Hang in there. I know how difficult the loss of a parent can be; the questions that come up are totally unfair and impossible to answer. Sometimes the best thing you can do is remember them.
Yes Monica, she would have approved, of that you can be sure.